Movie

Last night we let the girls watch Oct*ober Ba*by.  We weren't sure if and when we would.  It just felt right last night.  I have felt like Hannah has been distant the last few days. 

Well, I watched the movie with them.  After it was over Hannah crawled up in my lap and cried.  My husband wasn't in the room.  She usually goes to him, not me.  She could relate to the movie so much.  The girl, Hannah, in the movie has so many of the same characteristics as my daughter, Hannah.  To name a few: name, MRI, EEG, Preemie, wants to find her parents, birthday in October and on and on. Hannah realized most of these.

She started asking about her birth parents again.  She said she wants to find them.  She wants to tell them about Jesus.  She asked why she can't go now. I told her it isn't safe or she would be with them now. She asked if I would help her later.  I told her when it was time, I would help her.  (I hope that was the right thing to say.)  I wonder sometimes if she saw them now, would it give her some closure?

While Hannah and I were talking, Haylee was sitting on the couch next to me.  I was able to see how each of them cope with their past.  Hannah was very emotional and the feelings were deep.  Haylee got silly and would say silly off the wall things to not think about what Hannah was talking about. 

Later, when I was tucking the girls in for the night, Hannah told me that she didn't think I loved her, but after watching the movie, she knows that I do.

I was bothered by her statement.  I was beating myself up about being a bad mom to her if she doesn't think I love her.  I was pondering this when it occurred to me that she doesn't understand what love is or means.  When she came she loved every single thing and person.  She has learned a great deal, but still doesn't get it.  I think her definition is probably someone that gives her what she wants when she wants it.  That sounds harsh, but that is how she thinks.  We are definitely not that kind of parents.  We have boundaries and they don't move.   She thinks everything should be equal no matter what.

This morning I gave her an example of how I showed my love for her today.  Yesterday, she asked for cinnamon rolls.  We usually eat those one morning each weekend.  Well, we didn't have any.  Last night I went to return some movies and also purchased some cinnamon rolls for breakfast.  I asked her what we were eating for breakfast.  She told me.  I asked what she wanted for breakfast yesterday.  She told me.  I asked her why we didn't eat them yesterday.  She told me.  I told her that I went and bought some so they could have them this morning.  I did this because I love them and know they look forward to eating them.  I explained to her that this is one simple way to show love for another person.  Doing simple things just because you love them and expecting nothing in return. 

I feel like that was a huge step between the two of us last night.  Hopefully this will break down some of the walls that has been built between us.