One year ago...

We met Haylee and Hannah one year ago today. I have been reading over my posts from a year ago. My, how things have changed. As I deal with anger issues and struggle with other issues, I have forgotten how far we have come. Yes, Hannah still gets angry, but she isn't yelling at the others and commanding her way. She still doesn't like it, but she has learned that yelling doesn't get her way. I went back to pictures from the day we met them. I believe they even look different than a year ago.

I am so proud of my whole family! We have each had to work together for God's glory this past year. We have all grown in our faith and love for one another. We have learned how to love one another and give when it is absolutely not what you want to do. We, unfortunately, have seen the good, bad and the ugly about each other in the last year. Thank goodness each morning we can start over and try again. God is good and faithful!! We are truly blessed!!

Haylee and Hannah then...

Haylee and Hannah now...

My three beautiful girls!! They were dressed for their manners banquet.

Date Night

My husband and I went to the Black and Pink Ball in our town Saturday night. We dressed up and attended the ball. We haven't done anything like this in years. I didn't really want to go, but my husband did. We had a fabulous time. We danced and had fun. We even were able to share how God has moved in our lives with our adoption. It was interesting. One couple couldn't figure out how we have five kids. They thought they had missed out on the twin pregnancy. My husband finally told them we adopted.

We had a great night!

What a day...

Testing is going on around here. Yes, our rules are still the same. No, we will not send you back. If you cheat in school, the same punishment applies. It has not been a fun day for one little princess today. It has been a hard week for both of us. It really makes me wonder what happened to the glasses.

It will be one year April 6th. I guess they are getting nervous. They told me today their Aunt which they lived with for 10 months told them they would adopt them, then "gave them back". I explained that we adopted them, which means they are never going back.

Hannah dreamed last night that we sent them back.

I have been reading "The Connected Child" this week. God knew I would need the info this week. I was able to handle today better, I think, because I had been reading this book. I have read most of the info before, but it is helpful for me to review and be reminded that my girls are different than my birth children. It has helped me to remember why they do some of the things they do. I has reminded me of what is behind some of there actions.

Morgan has a barium swallow tomorrow to check for any visible problems with her stomach and esophagus. She is still having stomach troubles. This started when we found out the girls were going to be placed with us. We have to leave way too early in the morning.

I actually cooked dinner Monday, Tuesday and Thursday this week. Amazing!! I think my family was shocked. They have been very appreciative.


Tucker is going camping again this weekend with the scouts. He is going to Ordeal with the scouts to become part of the Order of Arrow. He is excited. He said he likes being away from the girls and their noise. This makes me sad in some ways. Maybe this is normal for a 14 year old, even if he doesn't have three younger sisters.

Missing glasses

Hannah went into the pool this week with her glasses on her face. She came out without them and couldn't find them. There are not many places they could be. She checked her swim bag and she and my husband went back inside and couldn't find them. I am trying really hard to believe that she truly lost them. My husband and I have been very calm and understanding about the loss.

Well, we went today to pick up the replacement pair of glasses. Since the eye doctor's office is about 25 minutes from our house, I made everyone that wears glasses go and get their glasses adjusted. With four in glasses, someone is always saying something needs tightening or adjusting on their glasses.

While she was sitting in my lap waiting for her turn, I told her that her glasses will look exactly like the ones that disappeared. If these disappear, we will not be as friendly about the loss and your glasses will still look the same. We will not purchase different glasses. (We have only had these since January. Ugh.) She said she didn't do anything with them. I reminded her that in the past at the foster home her glasses would disappear and she didn't know what happened to them. She said that then she knew what happened, but she doesn't now. So I paraphrased what she said to me by saying that she got rid of her glasses at the foster home so she could get new glasses. However, she always told the foster mother that she didn't know what happened to them. She made the choice to lie. She said yes, but she isn't lying this time. I looked at her and said, "How do I know?" It would have been so easy to throw them in the trash can at the pool. I don't know where else they could be. I hope I am wrong and they turn up somewhere. I really want to believe her, but this happened at least five times in about a year while she was in the foster home.

Did she think she would get special attention? Was she testing to see what would happen? Did she honestly lose the glasses?

Fishing Tournament

We received a call from some friends Saturday morning telling us there is a fishing tournament going on and they are the only people in attendance. We quickly loaded up and went. Morgan was at a friend's house and Tucker was at a leadership conference.

The winner would be who caught the most fish, not based on size. The son of our friends caught the first fish and received a prize. They announced they would award a prize for the second fish caught. Haylee caught the second and last fish of the day. She didn't want to fish because fishing is boring. Well, she is glad she did now!

She loves her John Deere sweatshirt and hat. At the end of the tournament, all of the kids received a prize. Haylee won a fishing pole. She was thrilled. What a fun day!!

Growth

Hannah is still growing. Her growth has been a little slower the last sixth months. She is at the minimum acceptable level. We hope that she is about to have a growth spurt. They did an xray to determine their bone age. Hannah was 1 year delayed the first time she saw the doctor. If she is adjusted for bone age, she still isn't on the growth chart. Hannah is at 1% for weight now. If Haylee is delayed a year, she will be on the very bottom of the growth chart. We will see the doctor again in October.

We will keep feeding them well, making sure they have plenty of exercise and sleep. They also drink a Kid Ess*ential daily.

Lock-in

We allowed the girls to attend the lock-in. I was not comfortable with them going without me, so I was locked-in with them. It ended up being only nine kids, which was good for the girls. They knew everybody, so they weren't uneasy.

Haylee did fine, except for the overload of baby talk. So, maybe she wasn't as comfortable as I thought. I corrected her nicely many times because we talked about it in the car on the way there.

I don't believe Hannah would have made it all night without me. She still gets up at night sometimes afraid. We usually have to walk her back two times before she stays. We pray with her and have her pray as well. She gets insecure very easily. With her history, this in not surprising. It will probably take years to overcome.

We had a fun time. We ate way too much junk and stayed up way too late! We came home early and slept for a few hours. It made it easier for everyone to adjust to daylight savings time.

This was the first time they have ever spent the night away with friends. This was a big treat. I am glad I was able to stay with them, so they could participate.

Love

Kelly posted on her blog about the love you have for adopted children. I love my girls with all of my heart. I would do anything for them. However, it is different. I analyze things they do more than my birth children. I wonder if their actions are due to adoption or a normal kid thing. I wish I didn't have this battle in my mind. I want them to feel like they are a part of our family and "belong" as Kelly said.

A struggle I have dealt with and have tried to accept is that it is okay for the older three kids to do things they aren't allowed to do. Sometimes I am tempted to not let Morgan do something because they can't. I let Morgan and just deal with the consequences. Some items are because of trust issues and maturity and some are just the way things work out. Today Morgan is going with my Dad to see a movie while I take Haylee and Hannah to the doctor. Boy, we had some pouting going on around here last night about the movie.

The girls are nine, however in so many ways they aren't. This is one reason they aren't allowed to do the same things as the older kids. One example, everyday when I drop the kids off at the pool I say, "Get out on the curb side, not in the street." Well, one day this week, I didn't say this and Hannah jumped out on the street side right in front of a truck. Haylee was headed out right behind her when I yelled at them to stop. Ugh. I have only said this one hundred times!! When I told my husband about the incident, he reminded me to not expect them to remember tomorrow. Unfortunately, he is correct.

We leave in a few minutes to see the doctor about growth. I hope we have grown enough to not have to do growth hormones.

Focus

During praise and worship at church yesterday, God showed me what my problem was last week. I was trying to handle everything on my own. Well, duh...of course I can't survive this way. Last week was a really bad week. I had so many things to accomplish last week that I lost total focus. I was totally striving on my own. Everything is so much better when I rely on Him and not my own strength. I repented and got my heart right yesterday in church. No person around here is my enemy, eventhough I believed those lies last week. We are a family and we are in this together.

We began the process of adoption in response to the call of God. God has blessed us so much!!! He deserves the glory for everything in my life!! He is a great and wonderful God!! He is the healer, the comforter, the restorer, my everything!!

Thank goodness for the forgiveness and mercy of our heavenly father!

I hope everyone is blessed today!!

Catch up...

My parents did very well with the girls last weekend. They had them three nights. The first night was at my house then they went to their house. Overall, they did pretty well. My mother loves to "give in" to the kids. However, they know that we can't allow the boundaries to be very relaxed for the girls right now. She let them have loose boundaries and the testing started. My dad didn't let the big things slip. Nothing major happened, but the stories from my parents were pretty funny. The girls were trying to see if the rules apply with them as they do with us. My dad was quick to tell them the same rules applied.

I thought it had been long enough to leave the girls with my parents for three nights. I will never forget the look on Hannah's face when we arrived at my parents house to pick them up. I can't even describe the look to you. It wasn't a happy look. What the look meant, I believe, is that she isn't as attached as I thought. She didn't really care that we were back, it appeared. We definitely took some steps backwards after the separation. The first few days of the week were difficult, but we both survived. I think she it getting back to her normal now. I wonder if that will ever change? Haylee was glad to see us.

It has been a difficult week. We had a lot going on and I am staying so exhausted. Morgan is having stomach troubles again. This is very troubling to me.

The t*wins have an appt next week with the endocrinologist and Morgan has an appt with the pediatric gastro doctor. It will be another busy week.

Happy Birthday Tucker!!

My first born is 14 years old today!! I can't believe I have a child that old!! I am so proud of him! He is turning into a fine young man.

Hard time...

I am sorry I haven't posted in a while. I have been struggling lately. I have not blogged about it because I hate to be a whiner. I am just having a hard time getting everything done I need to get done. I only have five kids. So many people have so many more. I feel like I can't do anything well because I am just trying to survive. I am trying to find my "happy heart," but I am struggling. I am trying not to lose it with anyone around here because this is my problem. I keep telling myself to get it together. God has blessed me with SOOO much. Why am I struggling so? With school, doctor appointments, dance, swim team, coop classes, boy scouts, etc it is just nuts around here. I have been trying to get our taxes done and I finally have them ready to mail tomorrow. Good news!! Yeah!! Since we have to paper file because of the adoption, who knows how long it will take to get our refund. It is going in the mail tomorrow, so I can check that off my list.

Anyway, I am headed to bed...