Trust is improving

I felt God was leading me to talk with Hannah last night about some of her fears and the root issues behind them.  It was like God brought a picture into focus for me about some of the fears she has displayed over the last two years.  I talked with her alone for about thirty minutes last night.  She wasn't able to tell me what had happened in her past that made her so fearful regarding the situation I mentioned, but she did start opening up with me about other things. 

She told me about things she witnessed her parents doing and how they would copy those things as well.  She has told me about situations like this in the past. She got very emotional and didn't want to share with me what they had done.  She finally shared and like the other things she has shared it wasn't as bad as she thought.  I explained to her again that she was very young and didn't know any better.  It is not her fault and that I am glad she wouldn't want to do those things now.  It wasn't nearly what I was expecting for her to tell me.  She decided she wanted Haylee in the room for the rest of the story.
We called Haylee in the room and continued talking.  It was a good conversation.  I think Haylee has everything stuffed very deeply away inside of her.  The look on Haylee's face was of disgust when Hannah told her what she had told me.  It wasn't disgust at Hannah, but disgust at what they did.  I am protecting my girls and not sharing the details here, but it isn't as bad as one might think. 

I am glad they were sharing with me.  It is amazing how resourceful they were as such little girls.  I guess when a bad situation would come their way, they would do whatever needed to get help.  They told me about stacking chairs and pillows so they could climb up high enough to unlatch the door to get help.  Now remember, my girls are very small.  At ten they are about 48 pounds and 48 inches tall.  So, all these years ago, they were very, very small. 

Haylee shared some not so pleasant memories about her birth parents with me.  She rarely talks about her past.  It was interesting the types of things she remembered versus what Hannah remembers.

I am glad Hannah knows that what she revealed to me isn't as bad as she thought.  I believe as she reaches puberty she would have questioned her identity even more due to this issue.  I reassured her that she is okay and to not worry about what happened.  They were very young little girls. 

I believe Hannah and I are reaching a new milestone in our attachment.  I am very happy for each step.

On another note, I ordered Haylee and pressure tank top and a cushion for her seat.  It is suppose to help with ADHD and sensory needs.  I ordered a S and XS tank.  She put on the S first and it was snug.  However, she wanted to try on the smaller one.  It was hard to get over her head, but she loved it and wanted to keep the smaller one.  She has worn it all day today.  We shall see over time if it helps meet her sensory needs. 

We aren't able to get Hannah seen by a neurologist at our Children's Hospital three hours away because her tests were okay.  My doctor still wants her to be evaluated.  They are going to see if the pediatric neurologist will see her one hour away. 

I want them to start in the therapeutic horse riding group we have here.  Haylee has been approved by the doctor, but Hannah won't be approved until we see the neurologist.  Haylee is very excited about starting.  She loves horses.

Praying

I am praying about what to do next with Hannah.  As of now, I am going to get an appointment with a pediatric neurologists out of town.  It may be six months before we can get an appointment.  During that time I will watch and document these episodes. 

I had her speech evaluated today and she was fine.  The lady noted that she needed to work on eye contact.  That is not surprising.  We are always asking her to look at us when she talks. 

So, it appears the stuttering and eye dilation are either the results of the fight/flight/freeze situation or a small seizure.  Even though the EEG didn't show anything, we could be dealing with seizures.  The characteristics can happen in either situation. 

If it is all part of fight/flight/freeze, is that dealing with PTSD?  Is this something I need to seek treatment for or just keep loving her and continue building her trust and security within our family?

Lots to think about...

Attachment or manipulation??

I just typed an entire post and somehow deleted it....here we go again.

This may sound petty to some of you, but when dealing with hurt children, my view gets blurred by the manipulation. 

Today, the twins were getting ready for dance.  They wear pink tights and black leotards with their hair in a ponytail. Haylee comes out dressed with a huge blue sequenced bow in her hair.  I tell her we aren't wearing that to dance and take it out.  I think she had about four knots in the bow and two hair bands.  (Sensory stuff??)  I tell her I will help fix her hair when we get to dance.

Hannah walks in and looks very nice.  I tell her she looks nice and she did a good job fixing her hair.  It looked really good!!

We all load up to go to dance and swim team.  In the car, Haylee asks if I will fix her hair at dance.  I tell her yes; even though, I had already told her in the house. 

We travel the five to ten minutes to dance and start unloading to go inside.  Hannah asks me if I can fix her hair also.  As I am getting out of the car, I turn back and her hair is down.  I asked her why her hair was down, it had looked so nice.  She said that it got messed up and the back was coming down. 

Thoughts are swirling through my head as she tells me this.  We all walk inside and the older three head to the pool for swim team.  I take the twins to the bathroom to fix their hair.  I asked Hannah why she took her hair down.  The story I get this time is that she had bobby pins in the back and she didn't know if I would like them. What??  Why would I have a problem with bobby pins in the back under her ponytail.  I never have in the past.  The only thing I can ever remember saying about bobby pins was that they aren't meant to be worn in the front on top of your head, they are meant to not be very noticeable. 

I fixed Haylee's hair for dance.  I start fixing Hannah's hair.  I asked her why she told me a story about why her hair was down when I would much rather her say that she would like me to brush and fix her hair because she likes it.   I asked her why she feels she has to manipulate the situation to get her way.  ( I realize she can't answer that question, but it is what I said.)  She just continued to make up reasons.  I told her to stop because she it just lying and going to get her into trouble.  She kept trying to tell me different versions of the story.  Of course, she says I am not and I didn't take my hair down on purpose.  Explain to me how her hair can get messed up traveling 5-10 minutes in the car.  She had even wet her hair at home when she was fixing it, so I know it didn't come down on its own.  Haylee chimes in and says that Hannah just took it down, it didn't fall.  She is the master at keeping a straight face and making eye contact when she is manipulating or lying.  It is getting harder and harder to tell the truth from lies.  She whines a little and says, "But Momma, I am not lying."  It is so hard, because all of our friends believe her and say that she doesn't mean to lie.  Obviously, I ignore their opinion. 

I really blew it...

Tonight, I blew it.  I lost my temper and was ugly to Haylee.  It has been a rough few days around here and lost it tonight.  It was the final straw.  I said some things I shouldn't have.  I am not sure why it happened.  I was upset at myself as soon as it happened.  My husband is out of town tonight because he has a meeting tomorrow three hours away.  We try to keep each other pretty calm.  I called him as soon as the incident was over.  He didn't say anything.  I knew I was wrong and he knew it.  I acted like a selfish child. 

Thanks goodness Jesus has shed His blood for us and we are forgiven.

  I climbed up in the bed with Haylee and asked for her forgiveness.  We cuddled and talked for a long time.  I told her that mommy's make mistakes just like kids and we have to ask for forgiveness.  I told her that that isn't how a mommy should act.  I said I am not proud of it at all.  She said she forgave me.  Something bad turned into something very precious that I won't ever forget.  I don't think she will either.  We had a very sweet bonding conversation.  She opened up to me about things that happened with her birth parents and the aunt and uncle that she lived with.  She told me again that the aunt and uncle were very rich.  She told me about all of the toys that they used to get at Christmas.  I reminded her that trust, love and commitment are more important than toys.  I don't think she realized they made the choice not to keep them.  She thought DHR wouldn't let them.  I gently told her that they made the choice, not DHR.

I am sorry to say, but the way I acted probably brought back some not so good memories for her. It hurts to write these things, but I am being brutally honest. I am a sinner and make mistakes too often, unfortunately. However, I asked for forgiveness from God and then from Haylee. I believe that we must allow our children to see us make mistakes and show them the correct way to repent. I felt much better after I repented to God and Haylee and was forgiven. I also apologized to the other children because they did witness some of it.

I was able to share with Haylee a sign the DHR worker received on the way home from the staffing when they matched us with the girls.  She was driving home and praying the God would give her a sign that she made the right choice for girls.  She went around a curve and saw a billboard that said, "Dentist."  Well, my husband is a dentist.  She took that as a confirmation that she had done the right thing.  Haylee told me she loves how God works things out.  She is so joyful!!

I love my children so much!!  I am so blessed!!  I owe every bit of it to God!!

 Tomorrow is a new day...

Not a fun day...

One little girl and I haven't had a fun day today.  Let me back up a little bit...

My husband and I went to Scottsdale, Arizona this past weekend for a meeting.  We left Thursday morning and returned Sunday.  I began talking to the kids early in the week about our trip.  They would ask questions about who, where and why and I would answer all of them.  My husband's parents came and stayed with them for the weekend.  We were very up front with the kids about the same rules apply while we were gone, etc, etc.  THE KIDS DID GREAT!!!  We are so happy and proud of them. 

They went to my husband's office Monday for some dental work.  They reverted big time!  They majorly talked like babies.  He said it hasn't been that bad in a long time.  He corrected them there, but it was also dealt with at home.  They were sent to bed early that night and also aren't allowed to participate in an event for their age children that they were looking forward too.  We have worked so hard at stopping the baby talk, that we were both surprised when it came back so heavily.  I am sure it was because we were gone for the weekend.  We did gently correct it Sunday night when we returned, so we weren't as gentle Monday.

Well, of course the fall happens after you return.  It hasn't been totally horrible, but one child has struggled more than the others. 

I was discouraged Monday thinking what am I doing wrong.  She was fine with my in-laws while we were gone.  What am I doing to cause the reactions?  I called her and asked if I handled something okay.  It was regarding if you fail a test after trying two times (computer history) then shouldn't you retake the four lessons that the test covers again?  I thought is was a simple question, but I wanted to make sure. 

Anyway, Tuesday was a little more trying.  Today was even worse.  We had some anger flaring at siblings, we couldn't figure out how long a line is with a ruler, etc.  I think she shut down today. 

She also made a very poor choice in purchasing something while I was gone this weekend from a sibling.  In the past, we have reversed the deal when it was unfair.  However, this time we let it stand.  She said she had the money and wanted it, so she bought it.  The item was worth maybe 50 cents. 

Long story short, the girls have been in our home 1 year and 7 months.  I am beginning to see more and more issues from attachment and fetal alcohol effects and/or the genetic learning disablitlies from one twin.  I was hoping and praying we wouldn't have to deal with some of these major issues.  The girls have come soooo far!  I don't want you to get me wrong.  One sweet daughter really struggles with making good choices and cause and effect.  I am sad about this again today.  I am going to have to read up on some of these issues again to see what I need to do differently.

Today

Well, I did better today.  It wasn't perfect, but everything I said, I evaluated.  I am not sure if today was good enough to call Day 1 or not.  That is okay because I just want to keep improving.

We had doctor appointments out of town today.  All five kids went with me.  We went in to the large pet store.  The girls wanted to look at the hamsters and birds.  The place was empty because it was 10:30am on a school day.  I left them looking as the boys and I went to get dog food.  We were only gone a few minutes and when we returned, Hannah was trying to open the door to get inside the booth behind the glass where the animals are kept.  I couldn't believe it.  When asked why,of course she said she wanted to go in there.  (Duh, Mom, what a stupid question.)  Well, I can say,I didn't lecture or lose my temper.  I said that is not a good decision for a ten year old.  You will hold my hand and stay next to me the rest of the day.  I have heard other blog friends do this, but I have never actually made any of them hold my hand for a long period of time. 

Well, she thought it was okay at first.  However, we went into a large shoe store next.  She discovered it was no fun to be stuck to Mom like glue when the other girls are looking around.  (They were within my sight also.)  I wasn't negative or ugly.  I just made her hold my hand.  We left the store and went to eat lunch.  I made her get out of the car and hold my hand.  She had to sit by me and not choose her seat.  This is a big deal for her because she always wants to pick where she sits.  It is a control thing with her.  During the meal, I had to go to the restroom, so she had to go with me.  We survived and did okay.  I think it made an impression on her. 

I was excited because I contained my emotions even though I couldn't believe what she was trying to do at the pet store.  I may be using this form of discipline more with her because it worked well for both of us. 

I guess I have finished with Day 1.  It may not have been perfect, but I prayed a lot for guidance and understanding towards my girls.  I think I did much better than the day before.  It is like I tell my children, I tried hard and improved.  Tomorrow is a new day.

How is everyone else doing?

However, homeschooling makes this a very interesting challenge.  We were out of town most of the day today.  I am anxious to see what tomorrow hold for all of us.

Control

I believe we are reaching a new phase in the adoption cycle.  It has been here a while, but it is becoming more and more apparent.  My husband and I talked about it today and agree that we are having control issues with the girls.  They are both trying to control us, me mostly, in different ways. 

We had a horrible start to the day today.  I won't go into details, but we have a rule in our family that no matter what time you get up, you must be finished at the breakfast table by 7:45 so you will be ready for school by 8:00.  If you get up late, you have less time for breakfast.  They are suppose to get up at 7 am.  This system has worked pretty well this year with most of the kids. 

Haylee is usually a problem.  This morning was horrible.  She sat and was basically was silently refusing to eat.  She knows that she must eat because once she takes her medicine she really will not feel like eating. She sat and wasn't eating.  I kept asking her why.  Anyway, I won't go into the details.  She was mad about what she was eating and the amount.  Instead of eating what she wanted of her cereal, she sat and pouted.  I was in and out of the kitchen.  Finally, my husband told her he was tired of this and she better be done before he leaves in 5 minutes.  AMAZING, she ate most of her cereal and drank her glass of milk.  I was not happy.  She ate everything in less than five minutes after sitting there pouting for 30 minutes.  Needless to say, I was not a happy Momma this morning. 

Later in the morning, Hannah was trying to telling me that I was adding some of the mental math problems wrong.  She kept saying the wrong answer and I quietly told her it wasn't correct.  Haylee was still trying to calculate the answer.  She got mad and basically told me I was wrong.  Well, once again, she won because I wasn't to happy about her telling me I was wrong about the answer.   

I think these are both ways of them controlling or feeling as they are in control.  What do you think?  Other things are happening, these are just two examples from today.  We are going to be on the lookout for other instances in the next few days. 

We are going to my parents lake house this weekend.  I am a little uneasy that we are going with these issues going on. My parents are very supportive and us and the girls.  I think things will be okay. 

Struggling...

Is it me or her? 

We have had a few difficult days around here.  Hannah is struggling and so am I .  I don't know if I am the problem or if I have a reason to be struggling.  She is holding her own in school.  She is doing well with old math concepts, but struggling with the new ones.  After about three days of reteaching, she usually gets the concept.  I am okay with that.  We have developed a pattern and it works.

We had a weird occurance a few days ago about a wash cloth.  I know that sounds really stupid.  I asked a simple question and it turned into something big.  Sometimes I wish I wasn't so in tune to what my kids are doing.  I wish I was just clueless at times.  She got really defensive about what she had been doing.  Anyway, what she finally told me she did was not very good hygiene.  The more I thought about it, I wondered if she was lying to cover something else.  I have thought about it for a few days.  I am not sure of the truth.  I questioned her again about the truth.  She begged me to believe her.  I want to trust her and believe her so bad.  I have an uneasy feeling about the situation.  The story she gave is so odd, I wonder if she is started lying to cover up what she really did and made a really weird story up as I questioned her. 

Her nightmares have become more frequent in the last few weeks.  Last night, the dream was pretty bad.  (What person allows their toddler to watch horror movies??)  I am trying to find a pattern to her dreams.  What is she feeling when she goes to bed?  How was her day?  Good or bad?  Did she get in trouble late in the afternoon or evening? 

I believe if you tell one lie, it gets easier and easier to tell more.  I wonder if she has started a snowball effect.  I wonder if she cracked the door for Satan and therefore the dreams are bad again.

She got really frustrated because she couldn't get the TV to turn on to watch a DVR'd show.  We have shown her and shown her.  She went to her bed when she gave up.  She has a strong attachment to TV.  It is really odd.  I don't see it in any of my other children.  They all enjoy TV, but her interest is different.  I went by her room and saw she was upset and told her to rest in her bed to calm down.  She of course didn't like this.  She historically makes poor choices when she gets in this mode, so I was giving her time to regulate herself. 

Many little things are happening.  She it testing the boundaries.  It isn't big things, but lots of little things.  I tell her not to do something and she goes and does it.  ie: Stay here until after finish our time together (our group time in the morning to start school) before you start the dishes.  She walks to the kitchen and puts a glass in the dishwasher.  What?  I asked her why she did that.  She said because she wanted to.  Ugh!!


Please pray for me to have a clear picture of what is going on.  She struggles with attachment to me.  She appears closer to my husband at times.  I wonder if it because I am with her all day long. 

We are struggling now.  Please pray.  I love all of my children.  I love Hannah.  I don't know what is going on with us.  Why am I struggling so?

State Swim Meet

I realized I never posted about the state swim meet.  The kids are did very well.  Haylee and Hannah finished the race.  We only ask that they do their best.  Hannah improved and Haylee struggled. Haylee had a difficult night in the hotel the night before her race.  I was up during the night with her a few times.  We still don't know exactly what was happening. 

Tucker swam well and maintained his best times. 

Morgan placed 4th, 5th and 8th in the state in her races!!  Go Morgan!!

Alex was the state champion in the 50 free!!! He was first!!!  I have never had a child take first before!!  We are so proud of him and his dedication and hard work.  He also placed 2nd and 4th in his other races!

The Friday night of the meet they opened the spring diving boards and the water slides.  For the first time, we let the girls go play without one of us.  They weren't allowed to leave the pool deck.  We could see them most of the time.  They both went off of the high dive!  I was very proud of them!  I am proud they did well on their own.  They really weren't alone because they had quite a few friends there and their other siblings.  They were always with someone they knew, even though, it may have been a different person every few minutes.

Orphans

A group of people from our church went on a mission trip to Peru last week. They spoke at church last night about their trip. It sounds like many lives were touched during their trip, as well as their own. During their presentation they talked about the children at the orphanage they visited.

They spoke of how happy the children were to have visitors. How they just clung to them and wanted to hold their hands. How they wanted so bad to be loved. When the group left, the children asked them not to forget them, to please come back. The group didn't have plans to return, but ended up working another visit in during their trip. The kids were thrilled to see them again. They were glad they weren't forgotten. They spoke about how these kids need security and a family. Most of them may never have a family. All of the things they said about these children, I could relate too.

I picture my girls the first time I saw them. They clung to us the first time we met them. They wanted to hold our hands and not let go. We went to a local fast food restaurant and they wanted to ride with us. We visited with them for about three hours and then left. They didn't want us to leave them that day. They told us later they were worried we wouldn't come back. They wanted a forever home very badly.

They came to our house for a visit later in the week. They stayed three nights and we took them back to their foster family. I remember Hannah gettting in the foster mother's van and quietly crying. She didn't want us to leave her. She was afraid we wouldn't return. She cried the next few days alot while she was at the foster home. I can only imagine what she was thinking because she did break every rule possible while she was here the few days. She didn't believe we were coming back. When they first came they wanted to hold our hands often. They immediately called us Mom and Dad with little meaning. Now, it has meaning to them.

I am so thankful that God blessed us with our precious girls. It isn't always a fun or easy journey, but it is God's plan for our family. I am glad that we were able to provide a loving secure home for Haylee and Hannah. I am so happy they are not children still hoping and waiting for a forever family. So many children are still waiting. Some may never find their forever family. I hope we can continue to teach them to have a heart for their heavenly father.

My husband just walked in...so...we are off to Cullman!!

It took them a while to believe they were really going to stay forever in our home.

Attachment

Thursday my dad was having a heart cath. As much as I wanted to be with my parents for the procedure, I have five children to take care of and my mom was with him. I had an uneasy feeling all day. My mom called and said the procedure went well and he had three stents. Well, the afternoon went on and she called again. He was having heart attack symptoms. He was rushed back to the lab, the doctor was still there, in between patients, thank you God. They were able to open up the blockage with a balloon and insert a fourth stent. My mother called after they took him back and I decided to quickly leave and drive the three hours to the hospital. They had the heart surgeon on standby if needed. Thank you Lord they didn't have to open him up. When I arrived he was stable and uncomfortable. By this morning, his color was good and the actually discharged him. Many prayer warriors were interceding for him in this time of need. I appreciate everyone of them. I am so glad God was not finished with him here on earth!!

Anyway, the reason for me to tell you this is about Hannah. I often wonder about the bond between the two of us. When I walked out in tears and told them we needed to stop and pray for my dad she got a fearful yet concerned look. We prayed and I was still trying to decide whether to go or stay. We had an Adoption Support Group party that night and I hated to miss it. Anyway, I made the decision to go and tearfully told them I was going and why. She immediately started crying and clung to me. I held her for a few minutes and told them the plans for the next hour until the party. I am sure she was afraid of another loss in her little life. I am so thankful that didn't occur. My dad is great with her. He is so patient and caring at times I am very short with her. All of my children adore their PawPaw. A dear friend of mine was at the party and she said she was "not herself" at the party. She behaved fine, but she could tell she wasn't at peace. So, after pondering the events in hindsight, some positive signs of attachment have/are occurring. I am always encouraged when either one of the girls run to me in a time of need whether it be sadness, injury, concern, etc. This is one of those times. I wouldn't want a replay of Thursday at all, but I am encouraged by Hannah's responses to the situation. It was a healthy response.

Haylee just rolled with the events. I think this must be how she has handled things in her past because, so far, she has shared very little about being hurt or upset. I believe her personality and ADHD has protected her from many things. She has only expressed tears and sadness over missing a half sister one time. She has never mentioned her birth parents. Hannah has cried for them a few times since she has been with us. I am sure Haylee will eventually share, but not yet.

I am encouraged that attachment is occurring. I pray God will continue the good work and progress will continue!

State Swim Meet

All five children swam in our the District AARPA swim meet this weekend. I expected the older three to qualify for state, but wasn't sure about the twins. Well, the older three qualified in all three of their events and swam very well.

Hannah swam slower than her best time, but qualified in the 50 breaststroke becuase the third place was disqualified. The top three in each event compete at state. She was thrilled!!

Haylee was back on her meds and swam like a different child. She knew what stroke to do, unlike the last meet where she would swim the wrong stroke. Not only did she know what stroke to do, but she did it very well and cut off about 15 seconds and qualified in the 50 fly. I couldn't believe it watching her in the water!! She was placed fourth going into the race. She was so determined and focused! She placed second in the event and will compete at state.

I am very proud of all five of them!!! My kids are five of the ten that qualified from our team. We are getting a shirt with the kids names on them. Well, when you divide the group into two columns you would have all five on one side. I changed it to age order to mix them up, so it doesn't look funny.

We will travel about four hours north next Thursday and compete Friday and Saturday. The older kids love this pool because they have water slides and diving boards on the pool deck. They allow all the meet attendees to play on Friday night after the meet at no charge.

However, we will be stuffed into one hotel room. Oh well, chalk it up as attachment and bonding!!

Camp

Morgan had a wonderful time at camp!!! The transition for all of us was difficult today. The twins have been following around Alex at my parents lake house this weekend. He is tired of it I believe. Well, today they attached to Morgan again. This was hard for especially because she was so tired.

The girls would like to go to camp like Morgan. They aren't ready. They haven't attached nearly enough to even consider them spending a night away except with my parents or my in-laws. They still have nightmares. They aren't as regular, but we do have them, especially when we aren't at home. Hannah was afraid of all of the water rides. She watched as she stood and chewed on her fingers. We went the pool and she did play on the water slide. Haylee loved the little zip line and the diving board and water slide at the pool. Haylee kept wandering off from us as we were walking around. She would get so lost.

After they swam, they put on dry clothes and we went to the arcade. The girls have never played many video games, so they didn't know what to do. By this time, they were very overwhelmed. I could tell it was too much. We then went to the trampolines. They last there about 1 minute. All of our group went to get a soda and the kids began playing a game in a small area enclosed by a half wall. I was getting a drink and wasn't paying much attention. When I walked up, I heard a girl ask Hannah is she was going to play. Hannah said yes. She was standing there a scared look with her hands in her mouth. I think they were playing a type of dodge ball. Well, they started playing and the ball hit her about three times in the legs. She just stood there petrified. I told her to get out because she isn't playing. She argued and said she was. Whatever!! She got out and was mad at me.

Hannah would be absolutely miserable at camp. Haylee would probably stay in trouble for not paying attention and getting lost. We will have to try to explain the best we can why they aren't ready if any of our kids go next summer. I did tell all of them in the car today that decision whether anyone attends camp is based on each person as an individual, not as a group. Just because one person attends, doesn't mean everyone gets to go. I explained that everyone is different and Daddy and I have to evaluate each child abilities separately.

What a tough thing. I am sure it appears rough, but it is the way it has to be for us.

Love

Kelly posted on her blog about the love you have for adopted children. I love my girls with all of my heart. I would do anything for them. However, it is different. I analyze things they do more than my birth children. I wonder if their actions are due to adoption or a normal kid thing. I wish I didn't have this battle in my mind. I want them to feel like they are a part of our family and "belong" as Kelly said.

A struggle I have dealt with and have tried to accept is that it is okay for the older three kids to do things they aren't allowed to do. Sometimes I am tempted to not let Morgan do something because they can't. I let Morgan and just deal with the consequences. Some items are because of trust issues and maturity and some are just the way things work out. Today Morgan is going with my Dad to see a movie while I take Haylee and Hannah to the doctor. Boy, we had some pouting going on around here last night about the movie.

The girls are nine, however in so many ways they aren't. This is one reason they aren't allowed to do the same things as the older kids. One example, everyday when I drop the kids off at the pool I say, "Get out on the curb side, not in the street." Well, one day this week, I didn't say this and Hannah jumped out on the street side right in front of a truck. Haylee was headed out right behind her when I yelled at them to stop. Ugh. I have only said this one hundred times!! When I told my husband about the incident, he reminded me to not expect them to remember tomorrow. Unfortunately, he is correct.

We leave in a few minutes to see the doctor about growth. I hope we have grown enough to not have to do growth hormones.

JOY

We have seen a change in Hannah since the Father Daughter Dance. We are seeing more genuine happiness in her than ever before. We are seeing more genuine smiles and more laughter. I believe another piece of attachment occurred on the magical night for her. I believe another layer was pulled back and healing has started on the new layer.

Praise God!! He is faithful!!

Changes...

I have been thinking about a lot of things the way our week has been going.

What things should I change and what things should I leave the same?

How could I handle the situations better so she isn't tempted to lie?

How do we handle things when she can't handle that the attention isn't on her all the time?
They are a part of this family and every one gets attention at different times. The adoption is final and they are the same as any other child in this family.

We have been working on Haylee's baby talk and Hannah started talking like a baby. Ugh!!

How do you handle a child that wants what they want when they want it, no matter what? She does whatever it takes to get her way or what she wants, without considering the effect on anyone else.

She is staring more and more at my husband and I. Is she trying to figure out how a Mommy and Daddy act? What is the deal? I seem to be catching her staring more and more in public. The other kids usually notice it before me and tell her to stop.

I feel like I am having to be on my toes all of the time again. I feel like we have backed way up again in the trust department.

This is exhausting...

What??

We have had a great weekend. I almost let this testing episode slip past me. I usually catch things like this quickly, but this I didn't. After our New Year's lunch, Hannah asked if she could watch a movie in my room and lay in my bed. They had all watched a movie earlier in the day in my room. I told her no because she needed to play some and not watch TV all day. (They get to watch a lot more than normal over the holiday break.) I explained why and she went on her way. Later, I couldn't find her. I found her in my bed. (The kids usually are not to be in my room for any length of time without permission. They just have no need to be in there.) I asked her what she was doing in my bed and she said she was watching a movie on her Ipod. I told her she didn't need to be in there. She left the room and went to her room. I realized a few minutes later that she was doing exactly what she had asked and I had told her no. Ugh!! I talked with my husband about it and we both agreed it needed to be addressed. I don't know if it was on purpose or not. Either way, she was disobediant. She must take responsibility for her choices. Her problem is that if she wants to do something, she will often do it no matter what the consequences. My husband and I talked with her about what happened. I asked questions and she answered without lying. Yeah!!! She hestitated more when she started realizing she was in trouble. The positive is she figured out what happened without me telling her. She told us she was disobediant and she told us the punishment. She was crying before she finished. I believe she was repentent. It was very difficult for either of us to discipline her for this, but we must. We can't let the boundaries loose, because she will push more and more. She isn't secure enough for the boundaries to be extended.

It grieved us to have to punish her today. Eventhough it was negative, so many positives were also seen. I am so proud of how far she has come. I pray that one day she will be totally secure in our family!! I know if will take a long time. We are starting to trust her more and more, which is so nice. My husband and I talk often about how far she has come.

Keeping it cool...

Hannah is struggling with no structure and the holidays. She has a very short temper and gets mad over anything. I am trying to stop the eruptions before they happen. We are hanging in there...

I stuggle not losing it with her also. I get frustrated with myself during these times because I don't like what I feel and think at times...

I know this sounds crazy, but it is almost a relief to read about other adopted older children that struggle around the holidays and with little structure. It is exhausting. I find myself listening to prepare for the next issue to arise.

Hannah did create a few movements to go with the song, "I Can Only Imagine" I think that is the name. It is a great song. I think eventually music will really help in healing.

I have enjoyed not having to teach the kids this week, but in some ways I am ready to start back. Tucker, Alex and Morgan love the break. Hannah and Haylee aren't quite sure what to do. I guess time will take care of that.

I offered to make cookies with them, no interest. I offered to make their Christmas tree ornaments, no interest. Tonight I will just say, "We are doing this now."

They are going to swim team in a few minutes so they will have some structure. My mother in law will be here tomorrow. I am sure she will do some fun things with them. The boys are going hunting with my husband and my father in law.

Early bedtime for one...

We have been really busy around here lately. The girls were all in a musical Friday night that was wonderful. They did so well!! I am a proud mama!! I cried part of the way through thinking about how far Hannah and Haylee have come in eight months. Wow, they have really changed.

Today hasn't been a good day for Hannah. I noticed yesterday she wasn't acting right. I kept trying to figure out what was going on. She kept saying she was fine. Today she has been testing boundaries.

The third strike was when she was putting things in the fire. Alex told her not to because Daddy had already explained why we don't put pine in the fire. She sarcastically yelled back that she knew, but... I don't even remember what the rest was. I went in to ask her why she said that and she said she didn't. She lied. Four of us heard her. We gave her a chance to talk through it and explain herself and she just sat there. Well, she went to be very early. She isn't happy, but my husband said enough is enough.

The first episode today wasn't terrible and we recovered quickly. The second episode was when she was being ugly to her sisters. By the third episode, I was done.

She appears to be struggling and has reverted some. She also asked to call her foster mom last night. We told her no. When she asked she used the voice we haven't heard in a long time. It was her manipulation voice. She also used fake manipulation tears last night. Neither works with us. Hopefully, a good nights rest will help.

Approval

I believe Hannah is doing whatever to get approval. She is getting herself in trouble multiple times a day due to this. I have prayed about what is going on and I feel like approval and acceptance is the root issue. She is hurting the feelings of others, acting like she is clueless when she isn't and driving me crazy with staring at me and making her fake face. I am really struggling with her right now. I am having to fight the feeling of wanting to avoid her. When she first came I had to make myself love on her. It got easier. Right now it is hard again. I hate feeling this way. I know it isn't right. I do love them and wouldn't trade them for anything. She even stares at me for approval when she says prayers at night. I have suspected and on occasion I have peeked and caught her staring at me. Tonight I stopped the prayers and reminded her that she is praying to God and she doesn't need my approval about what she is saying.

I took the girls to a Community Thanksgiving Service tonight at another church. A sweet friend of ours was telling the story of Esther from Esther's point of view. It was great and the girls said they enjoyed it also. However, one lady on the praise team looked like their birth mom. Not as thin in the face, but VERY similar. Hannah noticed it very quickly when the lady went on stage. Ugh! I wonder what issues this will cause tonight or tomorrow. I pray none.