Grace...mercy...Am I too strict?

I am struggling tonight with the thought of whether I am too strict on the girls. Are my expectations too high? Am I too strict with all of my kids? Do I show them grace and mercy as we have been given by our heavenly Father? Am I messing everything up?

I am tired and feel awful tonight. Today has been a hard day. I am going to be at the doctor early to get meds I hope. My boys are traveling to Canada with my parents for the next week and a half. It will be harder without my boys. They are such good helpers. I will miss them, but hope they have a wonderful time!

Please continue to pray for my friend. He has a lung infection that must clear before surgery to repair his back.

Trust

I don't know what to do. She just doesn't get it. Two girls told me this morning that the foster mom was sending them a basket with things in it. What?!? Where did this come from. I haven't even spoken to the foster mother in a long time. She "doesn't remember" saying that. Ugh!! The other two say she said it. Not a good way to start the day...

I explained to her what if I told her the foster mom was visiting at 2 pm today. Then 3pm and 4pm came and she didn't come. When she found out I didn't tell her the truth, what would she think about me? Would she trust me?

Anger

Well, Morgan had fun at her friend's house day. One girl always has issues when Morgan goes away. It all happened right before swim team. Morgan bumped her as she was putting away toys. If looks could kill. When I asked why she made the hateful face towards Morgan, she said Morgan didn't mean to but she bumped her finger. Give me a break!!! I explained to her that she didn't mean to hurt her but she meant to make the hateful face. She is plain mad because Morgan went to play with a friend and she didn't get to go. I dropped the topic until we got into the car. In the car, I explained to her that she will not be allowed to go to a friends house as long as she can't control her anger. She also has other issues that I am figuring out along this journey that will not allow me to let her go without me. I can't trust her to behave properly and therefore she can't go without me. I also told all of the children that today wasn't a good day for her because she doesn't like it when Morgan gets to go play elsewhere. She gets mad. I asked her if that is correct and she agreed. I told everyone that she acts ugly and takes it out on everyone else. I knew this would happen today and it did. I hate if for her, but her boundaries just have to be different. The other sister said that she made her mad this morning. So, the acting out started early, I just wasn't made aware of it until late in the day. Well, they are swimming two hours tonight, so hopefully she can get over her anger. Wednesday should be a lovely day. Morgan is going to a birthday party with a friend for the day. What a journey God has us on...everyday is a new day and I just don't know what each will hold.

Boundaries

I hope I am doing the right thing. Morgan is playing at a friend's house today. This girl has been her friend for years. They go to church together and they also homeschool. The younger girls weren't happy when they didn't get to go. Morgan has also been invited to go with another friend to see a movie out of town Wednesday. She is going to do both, WITHOUT the younger girls. The younger girls do not like this. I have tried to explain that they are younger than each of these girls. They will develop their own friendships with other girls. These girls are always very friendly to them. However, I believe Morgan needs time away from her sisters. She is sharing EVERYTHING now. I am having to reassure my friends that is okay to just invite Morgan. She is still Morgan and loves to do her own thing.

I also do not think they understand our boundaries enough to be on their own. Also, I believe I have to be with them until the adoption is final anyway. They still are learning they can't just take whatever they want whenever they want. We have a refrigerator at church that has little bottles of water in it. My children aren't allowed to drink them. A water fountain is available if they need water. Well, one little girl came out drinking one before church yesterday. She told me where she got it and that she did not ask for it. I took it and gave it to my husband to drink because he is on the praise team and often needs water. The other girl asked her daddy and he told her no they weren't for them. This is just an example of them still learning boundaries and not just making theirselves at home. Of course, some of the adults around when I was scolding her thought that I was going overboard because it was just a bottle of water. In my mind, it is way more that a bottle of water. Why would you have to ask for a drink and home, but not at church our of the refrigerator? I think some of their connections just don't happen.

Other issues are arising that were not mention prior to placement. Hopefully, not major, but our counselor says we are probably reading the signs correctly. As a friend of mine on another blog has said, we have to have different boundaries for our foster/adoptive children. We just can't be to cautious. This morning with Morgan gone, the girls have watched a movie in the den so I can keep a good watch on them. I am not sure when I will totally trust them. When will I be able to leave them with another parent that hasn't dealt with foster children?

Swim Meet

We had our first summer swim meet today that the girls have participated. They did great! They each raced in three events, 50 free, 25 free, 25 back. They place fourth or higher in all three events. I am so proud of them. It was a totally new experience for them. One girl even got first in backstroke.

We still have our good days and bad days. I was gone all night Thursday night with my friend because her husband was hit by a drunk driver. I got home about 4 am so I tried to sleep in since my husband was home. The girls were concerned and confused because I didn't get up Friday morning before they went to day camp. I was up and showered when they got home so they were happy about that. They still come check on me when they haven't seen me in a while. We were eating out after the swim meet today. A couple families were there so we had the kids sit together and the adults sit together. There was a little wall between us. You could see each other if you were standing (and an adult) but not if you were sitting. One girl came over to make sure we were still there. I reassured her we would never leave her in a restaurant. Bless her heart!!

July 9th will be three months and we can begin pushing for the paperwork to make the adoption final. I think I will be lessed stressed and worried when that happens.

Prayer

Please pray a friend of mine. Her husband was in a terrible car accident Friday night. He was driving home from a visitation on a four lane highway. A drunk driver going about 100 miles per hour hit him from behind. He ended up in the trees on the side of the highway. Multiple pine trees fell on his truck. The toolbox from his vehicle was thrown off and ended up on the front end of the drunk driver's vehicle on the south bound lane. Our friend was on the North bound side. It took EMT's over 1 hour to get him out of the vehicle. He was airlifted to the closest trauma receiving hospital about 40 minutes away. He has a broken pelvis, broken leg and a broken neck as well as other lacerations. They are waiting to do surgery on his back until the swelling goes down. Currently, he is paralysed from the chest down. He is responding to friends and family. They reduced his pain meds enough yesterday for him to open his eyes and see everyone. They increased medications when he began to hurt to badly. Please stand in the gap for he and his family and pray for him to walk again. God can heal him!!! Please pray!! The doctor is only giving him a 5% chance of walking, but with God anything is possible! Please pray!

Things

I have been thinking about a few things the last few days.



I went to a reunion Friday night for the colorguard of which I was a member for three years in high school. This was a very important time in my life. I learned to fight through my struggles more than ever in my life. I was born with CP on my right side. It is mild, but could have been much worse if my parents had not pushed me to be all I could be. They always supported and ecouraged me. If my brothers and I were performing in the half time show, they were always there. They traveled everywhere we went to support us. In marching band and colorguard, you must roll your feet to march smoothly. Well, this isn't possible with the way God designed my body. There were many days my instructor would yell at me and I would be almost in tears. Usually, one of my two best friends would remind him as gently as possible that I can't do that. I believe this experience along with many others has made me a much stronger person. The verse, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" is very important to me. The point I want to make is that God leads us through struggles as he prepares us for the next step or season in our lives. He has prepared us for this time in our lives.



God has changed me and my husband significantly in the 15 years we have been married. We are so different then when we got married. We have changed in more ways than I can even tell you. We were definately meant to be together.



Well, I am so busy in my life with my children and homeschooling and taking care of my husband's business as well as the many other hats we all wear as moms. I think my life is totally normal. Well, at the reunion Friday night, you would have thought I was from a foreign country. A few people were in awe. It is just life to me. I don't want any gratification. I receieved comments like, "Wow, you adopted when you already had three children? What made you do that?" When I would tell them God called us to adopt, they would look at me like I am crazy. Add homeschooling all five on top of that and they thought I was totally nuts!! Of course I received the famous question, "How are your children socialized when they are homeschooled?" I have always been nervous when asked this question. Well, God must have spoke through me because I was very impressed with how I answered. I am not a very good speaker, the words just flowed. The person said, "Wow, that makes sense. I have never thought of it that way. I admire you for what you do." I don't do anything for approval from other people. We choose the way we live to benefit our children and most importantly follow God. I have to remember we are called by God to be in the world but not of the world. I forget that we aren't the "normal" family. However, we choose to surround our family with like minded people. We have a great church family and homeschool group that sees our vision for the family. They are very supportive of us.



The other thing I have been thinking about lately is how parents can make such bad choices that totally mess up their children. Thank goodness for foster homes that can help "repair" some of the damage done. I read many blogs and have found a few that I have really connected with the foster/adoptive moms. All of these children are so similar, at different degrees. Why do parents intentionally teach their children improper things at 5 years old? Why do they force them to watch Freddy Kruegar movies? Why do they neglect them for drugs and alcohol? I struggle sometimes with not having compassion for the birth parents of the many foster and adoptive children. We are very blessed by the girls we have been given through adoption. However, the don't process things like my birth children. I realize that is probably due to their their lifestyle during the first 5-6 years of life. It is so sad. Sometimes they just don't understand what we are trying to teach them. I worked with one girls for 3 hours on lying. We read. She read. She wrote scripture. She wrote sentences on trust and lying. She read other books on bossyness, stealing, etc. The next day, she lied again. I am at a loss. We are going to have to find another approach. I don't believe she realizes she is lying until we "wake her up" to reality. Eventually, she seems to maybe understand.

Even the ortho in our girls is going to be more complicated by poor choices by the birth parents. Foster children have very difficult lives due to irresponsible adults. It is so aggravating.

Lying and trust

We had another lying episode yesterday. We were all in the car together and heard it. She continued to deny saying what she said. We waited until we were home and handled it. She had to apologize to each person by name and read scripture aloud. She is not going to Kids Camp with the other girls on Tuesday. She will begin on Wednesday. She will be home doing what I tell her to do. No screen time (TV, computers, etc), no bike, no trampoline, etc. I am looking for a good book on lying. Any suggestions? Maybe I will make her write a paper on lying and trust. What do you do for this kind of situation?

We are growing!!

The girls have slow growth patterns as a result of choices by their birth mother when she was pregnant. One daughter saw the endocronoligist in April. They wanted to begin growth testing and hormone therapy. We requested to wait a few months to see how she does after she has been in our home for a few months. The doctor agreed to wait until September. This morning she came in and said her night gown was getting too short. We measured her and I believe she has grown an inch since being in our home for two months!! We are so excited!!! We have all been praying for growth!! We measured the other twin and she has also grown about an inch! I am going to show my husband when he gets home to make sure I am not messing up somehow.

Praise God!!!

Missing money...

Okay...my husband was getting tooth fairy money out of his wallet last night. He only had a twenty dollar bill. He then got 2 ones out of my wallet. He called right before lunch and the twenty is missing. All five children deny taking it. I guess I will be searching the house tonight while the kids are at swim team to see if I can find the twenty dollar bill. No child looked guilty when I asked. I didn't tell them where the money was or how much was missing. I told them that if someone took it, they need to come let me know. He has had a very stressful morning at work, so hopefully it is in his wallet and he just didn't see it.

I feel really guilty suspecting one child, but it has happened in the past with this child. If she did, she is a master liar.

Swimming

I am so proud of the twins. They have wanted to be on the swim team with their siblings since they joined our family. They could obarely keep their head above water and only doggy paddle. They couldn't stand water in their face when they came. They have completed two weeks of swimming lessons and a week of swimming in the ocean with older and taller children. Needless to say, they have risen to the challenge. The swim teacher is doing private lessons again this week to work on their strokes. She worked with them this morning and we thought they would do okay tonight for tryouts. Well, they did much better than okay! They each swam a lap of freestyle without stopping and a lap of backstroke without stopping. I was and am so proud of them! I was cheering and clapping for them from across the pool! The coach was impressed. He had seen them swim when they first came and said they needed lessons first. They swam for 1 1/2 hours. Hopefully they will sleep well tonight to do it all again tomorrow.

Bible School went well. The teacher said one of the girls was the only one who would answer the question, "What is the first book in the bible?" She answered it correctly. They seemed to have behaved okay. One girl didn't participate in the game during the outside time. I asked her why and she said she didn't want to play. I told her she needed to participate tomorrow. She said she would. We will see.

My boys.

I am so proud of my boys!! They have been amazing through this entire adoption process. They are great with the girls and very trustworthy. We rented them some bicycles on vacation and let them ride all over St George for a day. Another boy their age was with them. They had a wonderful time. I believe they rode about 15 miles in one day. I am so glad I have trustworthy boys!! God has so blessed us with them!!

We are home...

We are finally home from our vacation. I was ready to be home a few days before we arrived. It was too long for me. It was sweet to hear the girls say they were excited to be home and loved the smell of home. I believe this is a big thing in their lives. Looking at the big picture, we had a wonderful trip. We of course had some struggles along the way. One twin continues to act improper toward her sister when she doesn't get her way. It doesn't happen everyday, but when it does, it is not pretty. I can tell when it is happening because the tone of voice changes in both girls. Bless her heart, this is what she saw for about 6 years of her life. It is over simple things.

One of the families at the beach had a teenager and one twin loved it!! She thinks she is 18. It is different than Morgan trying to be 18. I can't describe it in words, it is just different and not in a positive way. I struggled at the beach because one of the other mothers thought the strong twin was just adorable and she could eat her up. Well, it was very obvious to me in her actions toward all three girls. She had her come sit in her lap and told her she needed to come stay with her for a visit. Did she say this to the other two girls? No! I thought to myself, you take her home for a week and treat her like a queen and see what happens! She will have an eventful time with no boundaries!!

She does well when we have structure. I have to reign her in a little closer then let her out some again. After an incident last night, I sent her to get a bath because I told her no and she tried to argue with me. When I sent her she cried and slammed the door. Well, this is not acceptable in our home. Also, about an hour earlier I reminded the girls that their door is not to be closed. This may be crazy, but I need to be able to hear what is going on in their room. I made her sit in the den alone for awhile. She cried very loudly to be sure I could hear her in my office. Later, I went in to talk with her. She had told me she didn't mean to slam the door right after she did it. I asked her if their door was supposed to be closed. She said no. I then asked her if she told the truth when she said she didn't mean to slam the door. She said no. I asked her if this was done out of anger and frustration, she said yes. I asked her why she did it and she said she wasn't thinking. I told her this is not acceptable behavior in our house. However, I also praised her because she has improved her behavior in the two months she has been with us. I reminded her that she would have had a much larger fit then. She agreed. She also agreed that she gets in trouble every time. I am really proud of her!

Both girls are still learning they can't just do what they want when they want to. I guess because for so many years, no person cared what they were doing, this is new to them. They both took off at the beach with my husband without telling me. They told him that I told them to go with him. I absolutely didn't! Morgan came in terrified because she was going to the beach to get something and one was going with her. She was walking with her, then she was gone. She had come back to the house to see my husband. The other twin was with her and had not told me she was going. I was in the condo looking for her when everything went crazy. Morgan came in scared because she couldn't find one and I couldn't find the other. They were headed to the bay with my husband. Luckily I walked out as they were leaving. He then told me they said I told them to go with him. Needless to say, all girls were sent in the house and we had a major discussion. Many rules were broken and so was trust. At the beginning of the week we never let them go without either me or my husband. We had started letting them go with a sibling. I guess they assumed they could do or say whatever again. Ugh!! I was so glad we only had one more day at this point.

If you made it through may rambling, thanks. These are short little snapshots into our current life. The girls and Alex are at Vacation Bible School this morning. I am nervous about them going. The twins have a early education teacher as their teacher. I am sure she will do great with them. I just told her to make sure she has boundaries for them. I will let you know how it goes...

Beach

Hey! My husband's aunt is letting me borrow her computer so I can update. I haven't seen her in years and we are happy to be able to visit with her.

We traveled to the first location. The girls are slowly getting used to traveling. Thank goodness for Little House DVD's. They certainly helped the trip go faster. We had a wonderful first day! The girls loved the beach! They played on boogie boards, built sandcastles, jumped in the waves, as well as anything else you can think of to do at the beach. We played from early in the morning until late in the afternoon. We saw a few signs of oil, but not much on the first day. By evening we smelled oil. We started deciding what to do. We debated and debated. The other two families we usually spend time with at the beach decided to move further east. We were all able to get condo's near each other so we decided to travel again. The girls were dreading the travel but are thrilled to be at the beach again. The condo is larger and has three bathrooms!! Yeah!!

It is interesting what the girls have learned to do while we are at home. However, we change places and some training has to start again. Things like cramming all of your clothes in the nightstand drawers when you have an entire chest and two nightstands for two girls. I showed them how to sort their clothes and put them in drawers so they can find their things. They said they have never been shown how to do that before. So sad. When we made lunch the first day, they acted like they had never made a sandwich before. They had gotten so they could do it at home. One girl just sat and stared at her bread, peanut butter, jelly and knife for a long time. My husband finally asked if she thought the sandwich was going to make itself. She just looked at him and sighed. We are more than happy to help after effort has been made. We are working on teaching them not enabling them. They adjusted well. However, this morning at the new condo on girl asked me where the milk was. I asked her, "Where do we keep the milk?" She said, "Oh" and went and got it. She struggles sometimes with completing her statements. She is improving. Anyway, we are having a wonderful trip and the girls seem to be happy. We are having some struggles with Morgan and the dominant twin some because they have similar personalities. We just handle the issues as they come.

I am sorry if this post is crazy, I am borrowing a computer.

Head to the beach...if I can get us packed!!

We are leaving for the Gulf tomorrow afternoon, if I can get our family packed. We stay in a condo, so I have to take everything. Our car now only holds our family members without much packing room. We have rented a Uhaul to tow behind the car. I can't get the clothes washed to get packed. Interesting, the girls packed two days ago and have been wearing their nice clothes each day since. I wonder what is in their suitcases? I know they have panties because they said they didn't have any clean ones after swimming lessons today. Too funny!! We hope to be gone for ten days, if the oil doesn't mess up our trip. The girls have never had a trip to the beach for more than an hour or so. They also said today they have never stayed in a hotel or condo. What an adventure this will be!!! I pray all goes well.

I wish I could post pictures of their faces. They appear to be changing so much to me. After everything is final in a few months, I will post face pictures.

We are having a good summer so far. We have been busy with swimming lessons and doctor appointments. Hopefully life will slow down some after the beach.

Test Results

We received the test results yesterday for the girls. They did pretty well. They do have some labels, but nothing really surprising. Considering I diagnosed them before testing them, the tests confirmed my suspicions.

It has helped me change my parenting techniques some. One girl testing okay in nonverbal but low in verbal. The doctor explained that she functions better writing or drawing a picture instead of trying to talk about something. So, after we finished we went to eat. The other two girls wanted booster seats at the restaurant because they are neat looking and not baby looking. She didn't want one even though she is the shortest of the three. A few minutes later she had "that look". She wouldn't tell me what was bothering her. Before getting totally frustrated with her, I asked if she would like to write me a note. She really liked that idea. Well, she wrote that she would like a booster seat. How simple is that? I was about to get frustrated and upset thinking something big was wrong and that is all it was. I got her a booster and all was well. I guess some may be manipulation and some may not be. Who knows?

One girls has attention deficit issues. Not hyper, just innatentive. We already knew that. I struggled with her during school and just in following directions. We will parent her differently regarding this.

I am glad we tested the girls. It helps me understand how they act sometimes. She also said the acting out during pretend play could be PTSD. I am not surprised.