Movie

Last night we let the girls watch Oct*ober Ba*by.  We weren't sure if and when we would.  It just felt right last night.  I have felt like Hannah has been distant the last few days. 

Well, I watched the movie with them.  After it was over Hannah crawled up in my lap and cried.  My husband wasn't in the room.  She usually goes to him, not me.  She could relate to the movie so much.  The girl, Hannah, in the movie has so many of the same characteristics as my daughter, Hannah.  To name a few: name, MRI, EEG, Preemie, wants to find her parents, birthday in October and on and on. Hannah realized most of these.

She started asking about her birth parents again.  She said she wants to find them.  She wants to tell them about Jesus.  She asked why she can't go now. I told her it isn't safe or she would be with them now. She asked if I would help her later.  I told her when it was time, I would help her.  (I hope that was the right thing to say.)  I wonder sometimes if she saw them now, would it give her some closure?

While Hannah and I were talking, Haylee was sitting on the couch next to me.  I was able to see how each of them cope with their past.  Hannah was very emotional and the feelings were deep.  Haylee got silly and would say silly off the wall things to not think about what Hannah was talking about. 

Later, when I was tucking the girls in for the night, Hannah told me that she didn't think I loved her, but after watching the movie, she knows that I do.

I was bothered by her statement.  I was beating myself up about being a bad mom to her if she doesn't think I love her.  I was pondering this when it occurred to me that she doesn't understand what love is or means.  When she came she loved every single thing and person.  She has learned a great deal, but still doesn't get it.  I think her definition is probably someone that gives her what she wants when she wants it.  That sounds harsh, but that is how she thinks.  We are definitely not that kind of parents.  We have boundaries and they don't move.   She thinks everything should be equal no matter what.

This morning I gave her an example of how I showed my love for her today.  Yesterday, she asked for cinnamon rolls.  We usually eat those one morning each weekend.  Well, we didn't have any.  Last night I went to return some movies and also purchased some cinnamon rolls for breakfast.  I asked her what we were eating for breakfast.  She told me.  I asked what she wanted for breakfast yesterday.  She told me.  I asked her why we didn't eat them yesterday.  She told me.  I told her that I went and bought some so they could have them this morning.  I did this because I love them and know they look forward to eating them.  I explained to her that this is one simple way to show love for another person.  Doing simple things just because you love them and expecting nothing in return. 

I feel like that was a huge step between the two of us last night.  Hopefully this will break down some of the walls that has been built between us. 

Age

It is so hard to remember the girls aren't eleven in maturity.  Sometimes they are no more mature or developed than a five or six year old.  This is such a difficult situation when they want to do preteen things but they aren't ready to be a preteen.  They think they are so grown up and then make choices and follow directions as a young child. 

I pray very often that God will help me discern which age they are each and everyday.  It is definitely a moving target.

Speak Life!

This is a great song shared on a blog I follow.  Enjoy!

Growth

The girls had doctor appointments today. 

Haylee has grown almost three inches and gained eight pounds in one year. She is wearing a size 7/8 pants and a medium shirt.

Hannah has grown a little over one inch and gained 3 pounds in one year. She was on the lower end of okay last year.  She has now fallen below the acceptable line by quite a bit.  Hannah wears a small shirt and size 6/7 pants.

They just turned eleven a few weeks ago.

Hannah will have growth hormone testing in early January.

Hannah may have to be given growth hormones.

I always knew this could be a possibility.  I was praying that we wouldn't have to endure this process. 

The doctor said it is hard to get insurance companies to approve the therapy.  She said if they aren't producing the correct amount of hormones and are not on the growth chart they will usually approve the treatment.  I hope it will be approved, if needed.

Haylee is finally on the growth chart at 3%.

Hannah is not on the growth chart at all.

Please pray...

A friend of mine is in need of prayer for healing.  She is in the process of adopting from Russia.  She has made two trips already.  They returned from their most recent trip last week.  During this trip they had their court hearing and are officially the parents of their little boy.  They are set to return in November to bring him home.  However, during the night Monday she became very ill.  She is in ICU.  Last I heard, they weren't sure if she had a stroke or an aneurysm.  She needs a miracle in her body to be able to return to get her son.  Yesterday she was alert and talking.

My heart is very heavy for her.  Please pray for her. 

Art

Haylee took her first art lesson today.  She went for two hours and did very well.  The teacher said she sat very still and paid attention very well.  I could hardly speak when I went to pick her up and saw the painting because I was so pleased with her work.  Haylee has always loved any type of art and is very excited to have the opportunity to take watercolor classes.

I am so proud of her and love seeing how proud she is of her work.

He did it!!

I am proud to say my son is an Eagle Scout!!

 

Tucker passed the Eagle Board of Review tonight and is now an Eagle Scout!!

 

We had a great time tonight driving the hour to the meeting and the hour home.  He is such a fine young adult.

 

I am so blessed to have him as my son!

Family Picture

We had family pictures made Friday evening.  The photographer pasted this on Face*book.  I am excited and would like to see the rest now.

School

I guess I shouldn't have complemented the girls on how well they are doing in school this year.  It is now taking them forever to finish their school.  I assigned them less this week to see if we could get finished in a timely manner. 

I think they lost their math brains at our swim meet this weekend.  We had a simple review lesson on parallel, perpendicular and oblique lines this morning.  I drew each of them a line.  I asked them to draw a parallel line and a perpendicular line to the line I drew.  One didn't know what a perpendicular line was at all.  We had talked about it and looked at multiple examples before asking them to do this.  I then asked them to draw a set of each type on their own.  You would have thought I had asked for the moon. 

Oh my!!  I hope our day gets better and some people turn their brains on!!

Proud

I haven't posted in a while, so I will give you an update.   School has started well this year.  I am very proud that everyone retained math skills over the summer.  They were required to read this summer, but not do structured math.

I am very proud of how well all of my children are doing academically right now.  However, Tucker doesn't get bragged on very much.  So, I am going to tell you about what he has been doing.

Tucker is taking very challenging courses this year.  Anatomy and Physiology, Advanced Math, Writing Composition and Omnibus which includes logic, literature and history.  I am so glad I am not taking these classes because I don't know that I could pass them.  He is working hard and doing well.

Tucker has completed all of the merit badges and the service project to earn the honor of E*agle Sc*out. We are very proud of him. His service project was repainting the helipad at our local hospital. He has passed the local board so now he will meet with the district board for approval.  

I have included pictures of the project below.  The transformation is so neat for me to see.  He and other scouts worked very hard in the July heat completing the project.

 

 

The day they finished the project, the hospital representative arranged for one of the life flight helicopters to land on the newly painted helipad.  It was an exciting end to a job well done.  They also took a picture from the sky as they left and sent it to us.

 

Well, this post was going to be about everyone, but I spent it all on Tucker.  I will update on everyone else later.

Question

Do any of you give your child Mela*tonin to help them sleep?  I know some people do because I have read it on their blogs.  Haylee has a hard time going to sleep at night.  Last year we gave her prescription medicine to help her fall asleep.  We were trying to avoid that this school year.  Well, she is taking hours to fall asleep.  The other night she had been in the bed at least 1 1/2 hours when she got up complaining about not sleeping. 

I am not sure what dosage to give her.  Does it cause problems in AD*HD children?  A few of the articles I read online said to be careful giving to children dealing with AD*HD. 

Thanks for the help!

School

We started school last week.  Things are going well so far.  I am very excited that all of my girls have been able to complete the review work at the beginning of the math book.  I was very happy because other than life skills, we didn't do any math this summer. 

The boys have done well.  They have two classes that haven't started yet.  They will begin next week.  (They are group classes.)

Morgan is going to stay at my parent's house for a week.  We are going to their lake house this weekend and she is going to stay until the next weekend.  My mother had surgery on her hand and is off work for a few weeks so she is thrilled to have her.  They are having a garage sale the second weekend and Morgan can't wait to help.  She has wanted to participate in a garage sale for years.
I will send her school work with her and the answer keys for my parents.  I will miss her, but on the other hand, I am excited for her. 

I believe it will be a good thing for everyone.  The other girls struggle at first without Morgan around, but then they start doing better.  They are lost at first.  Actually, Haylee does pretty well.  Hannah struggles. 

Also, this was our excitement today.  Tucker killed a timber rattler in my front yard.  Luckily a friend drove by and saw it and stopped to let us know.  He went in some brush by a tree.  We sprinkled gasoline on the brush.  Very quickly, he stuck his head out and Tucker blew it up!!  He actually blew up his head and injured part of his body. 

Understanding

It has been rough around here the last few weeks.  Everything is going better this week. 

Hannah has had a difficult time lately which unfortunately affects the entire family.  We don't do certain activities because it will put her in situations that she will be tempted to make poor choices again.  I have really been struggling with people referring to me as, "the mean Mom."  I know I shouldn't worry about these things, but I do.  This time it was from two little girls that are supposedly friends with my girls.  They were saying this because Haylee and Hannah were invited to a birthday party last week.  Hannah wasn't allowed to go because of some things that had happened in the last few weeks.  I guess because my kids have consequences for their actions, I am labeled as mean.  I have no doubt that they have probably heard their parents talking, but I could be wrong. 

Anyway, once again please pray for Morgan.  She is really having a hard time right now.  We went to a town an hour away to buy a new refrigerator.  Yes, mine died.  She is the only child that wanted to go.  God knew she needed time with me to talk.  She struggles with the fact that her friends all feel sorry for Haylee and Hannah and think they are so cute.  She feels that her friends ignore her when they are around.  Part of this is probably just girl stuff and puberty, but some is due to her struggles with our adoption. 

She has been unfairly accused quite a few times this summer for her actions by others defending Hannah and being ugly to Morgan.  I explained to these people that Hannah does have hurts from her past and I can't imagine being placed in a strangers home at age 8 and them being my new mom and dad.  However, they forget that Morgan is also hurting deeply on the inside.  She has gone from being the baby and the only girl to being on of three and the oldest of the girls.  She has had to share just about everything.  I am sure that gets very old.  Having her own room has helped.  The older children causing grief always gave her their attention before the girls came.  Now she is the bad guy.  We explained to them that you can't consider Hannah's feelings without considering Morgan's.  She is acting out of her hurts.  Yes, they may be affected by ll year old hormones, but she is having real struggles. 

Morgan and I talked in the car as she softly cried.  It broke my heart.  At times, she couldn't even catch her breath.  She expressed a need to talk to someone who understands that they act one way in public and one way at home. I reassured her of so many things during our conversation.  She feels abandoned by so many people since the girls became her sister.  She mentioned that the girls require so much more attention that she often feels left out.  I told her that I understand her feelings because I have struggled with some of the same issues.  It has been hard.  We are judged so wrongly by outsiders.  I can't imagine her struggles because I am an adult struggling, so it must be much harder for an eleven year old. 

Anyway, she has an appointment with the counselor we met with prior to the adoption next week.  She is one person she stated that she could talk with that understands.  I am going to have her meet with her for awhile to help us through this season.  The counselor is not planning to meet with all of the girls, just Morgan.  When I called the counselor she listened to me also, which helped me as well. 

I feel bad sometimes thinking this way because so many families that have adopted have such bigger issues than we have.  I don't blog as much because I often feel guilty for the way I feel. 

God is in control.  He has planned this path for my family.  His mercies are new every morning.  He gives me what I need each day.  Thank goodness.  I can't imagine walking this path without God.


. 

Enough

Lying.
Disobedience.
Drama.
Manipulation.
Anger.

I have had enough of this in the last two days for awhile. 

I am not sure what the trigger has been.  The only thing I can come up with is that after I was out of town with Morgan for five days, I came back with a determination to try to attach more with Hannah.  I was trying to make things better between us in every way possible. Things have been really good until a few days ago.  I believe it started in little ways Monday.  I wonder if she got scared because she was feeling the attachment.  She even came up to me and asked for a hug.  That is very unusual. 

We will get through this phase...we always do.

By the way, Haylee is doing great.  Morgan is having a harder time because of issues with Hannah.

Pray

Please pray for our family.  We are having some issues and we are praying about how to resolve them. 

I told our Adoption Support Group leader last night that adoption is one of the hardest things I have done in my life.  Another adoptive mom was sitting there and totally agreed.

Adoption can mess up prior friendships for us as well as our children.  They are "pitting" one child in our family against the other.  I will defend both children.  I love them dearly.  Neither child is perfect and I have never claimed they are. We evaluate each situation as it arises. 

Please pray for clarity. 

District Swim Meet

All five kids competed in our District Swim meet this weekend.  I am very proud of each one of them. Tucker, Alex and Morgan qualified to swim at state in all three of their events.  Haylee qualified in two out of three of her events.  Haylee and Hannah qualified to swim on the relay team which will swim two events. 

Update

I haven't posted in a long time because we have been so busy.  We finished school, went to the beach, went to a meeting in Atlanta and went to the Aquarium.  My husband and I flew to Oregon for business.  The boys went to Boy Scout Camp.  We have been to the lake.  The girls stayed with my parents and had a great time.  Hannah tested them big time.  I was small things that will frustrate any adult.  Tucker is working on his Eagle Scout project.  I am so excited and proud of him.  Tucker is a lifeguard at the pool this summer.  He rides his bike to and from sometimes.  He is a great kid.  I am very proud of him. 

Haylee and Hannah have been over to play at a few friends houses and done very well.  In fact, later, one mom told me that I was the strictest and meanest mom she knew of all of her friends.  She said this after telling me that they were the sweetest, very polite, and most compassionate girls she knew.  I was shocked.  Thank goodness it started raining and we all scattered.  Sometime I want to ask her, "Do you think they came from DHR this way?"  My structure has benefited them a great deal.  Yes, at times I may be too strict.  At times, I could extend more grace.  Hey, I am not the perfect parent and have never claimed to be.  (Sorry about the tangent.)

I have lots of pictures to share with you if I would ever get them off of my camera. 

To be totally honest, I haven't posted because I just don't know what to say.  Haylee is doing really well.  I believe she has a healthy attachment to me and our family.  I am just not sure about Hannah.  It is going to take her longer, I believe.

She is testing the boundaries lately.  What do you do for a child that lies because they didn't do the whole thing, put just part of something.  Like if something is messed up on the swing set.  She may have taken it apart and not left if like it was found by someone else.  She insisted she didn't do it when the other children saw her.  After working with her for awhile, she didn't do all of it so she said she didn't do it.  The swing wasn't the issue.  Not telling the truth was the issue.  Sometimes she says, "She thought that was what we meant."  We have told her to ask if she doesn't understand what we are asking.  It is better to ask than not be honest. 

We love her dearly.  She wants her way so bad, she will do whatever to get it without thinking about the consequences.  She told Morgan that she can't wait to go find her BP's when she is 18.  Haylee said she didn't want to go and Hannah could go without her. This isn't new information to me, but I do wonder why the discussion came up among the girls.

Morgan and I are leaving for Orlando tomorrow morning.  We will be gone until next Wednesday.  She is attending a dance convention for three days and the we will go to Magic Kingdom for one day.  She is excited and having a hard time going to sleep.  She is growing up so much.  Hannah wants so bad to be maturing like Morgan.  Bless her heart, she can't make her body start changing. 
I am excited that we are going to be by ourselves.  Well, sort of, I will have two other girls in our room.  I am taking three others in my car tomorrow.  I am sure we will have a wonderful time. 

Life in Pictures

We have been really busy, so I haven't blogged much.  Below are some pictures of some events that have happened in the last month or so in our lives.

My family and two others hosted a Low Country Boil.  We had about 75 people in attendance and had a wonderful time of food and fellowship.

Haylee is the one hanging upside down in the picture.  She is so funny!

Tucker, my oldest, and a friend of his are hanging upside down in this one

 from the top of the swingset!

This is a crazy
picture of all three families that hosted the event.

Tucker, my oldest.  I rarely can catch him for a good picture.  I like this one,

so I thought I would share.

Our local community college hosts a festival for all fourth graders about the water cycle every year.

Haylee and Hannah attended this year with our other 4th grade homeschoolers.

We have three sets of twins in the fourth grade.  Isn't that crazy??

Haylee learning about how much of the earth is covered in water by playing a game.

Hannah singing the "Water Cycle Boogie"

Tucker was inducted into the Homeschool National Honor Society this year.  I am very proud of him and his accomplishment.  He has been inducted the first year he was eligible.

Morgan's room is almost finished.  I will post pictures soon!  It looks great and it was the right decision to move her out of the room with the other girls.  Now the two of them are fighting more.  I guess I removed Morgan from the middle and they continued to argue.  Morgan has really enjoyed being able to get away from them.  It drives Hannah nuts.  She doesn't like it when she doesn't know everything Morgan is doing.  More to come...

New Room!!

Morgan is finally getting her own room!!

School is pretty much over for the year, so we are transforming the school room into Morgan's room.  I still haven't found a home for everything that was taken out of the room, but I am trying.

My husband went out of town Friday and purchased some things to put in her room.  Morgan, Alex and my husband have worked on the room all weekend.  Alex has been a great help!  The walls are finished.  The trim will be painted white.  The molding down to the half round will be painted white to look like the crown is larger. 

Here is a preview...

The rest will be a surprise...

Boys

I don't talk much about my boys on my blog, but they are great!  They are growing into fine young men! They are both well mannered and helpful.  We are very proud of them.  They are very good big brothers to three sisters that can be very annoying. 

Tucker, Haylee and Morgan hanging out in a tree.

Mothers

I am so blessed to have super parents and in-laws that have always supported us throughout our adoption process.  I am very thankful that they are always there for us when we need them.  My mother and my husband's mother have listened to me countless times when I have needed them whether on the phone or in person.  They love my girls just as much as my birth children.  They are always certain that everyone is treated the same. 

Even when they are worried about something going on or decisions we are making regarding our children, they are cautious with their words.  For example, they are all thrilled about Morgan getting her own room.  They have all thought this should happen and have been praying for it for a while.  However, they held their tongue and waited on us for the right timing. 

I have read a few blogs today talking about how many relationships are wounded due to adoption.

I want everyone to know I am very thankful for my parents and my husband's parents.  They are very helpful and supportive of our family and my children adore each of them and so do we!!

Easter 2012

Two Years

Gotcha Day was this past Friday.  They have been in our home for two years now.  We traveled to my parents that morning.  The boys went to the lake with my dad and the girls and I went to shopping with my mother for new shoes.  It was more apparent than ever the maturity difference in Morgan and the twins to my mother.  Saturday morning we were up really early to go to garage sales with my mother  The girls love this and had a great time.  She gives them each five dollars and it is always interesting to see what they purchase.

Saturday night we were blessed to be able to attend the Cast*ing Cro*wns conert.  What a great concert and worship experience!  It was a blessing for each one of us!!

Tucker now has his drivers permit.  I can't believe I have a fifteen year old.

The neurologist called and confused me.  However, he did tell me that day one of the EEG was normal.  I believe I understood him to say he will review the second day and let me know if he sees anything.  For now, we are going to assume we are seeing fight or flight symptoms. 

She has had a few little fits the last few days towards Morgan.  She learned the hard way that Morgan is bigger and a lot stronger than she is.

I hope everyone has a blessed Easter!!! 

Great Job!

I am so proud of Hannah!  She did a great job on her math test today!  She showed all of her work and did a very nice job!  She has been struggling again in math and today she did very well. 

One thing is for sure, this week is much better back on medicine than last week off of meds. 

I haven't told her yet because sometimes it backfires.  I will tell her closer to lunch today that she did very well.  I will also make sure to tell her dad in front of her how well she did.

Finished

Hannah finished the testing last Friday like a trooper.  We knew she would do well because she LOVES all of the attention she received. 

However, she struggled yesterday because she didn't receive all of the attention. 

Hopefully, we will get the results sometime this week.

Day 2

Hannah slept pretty well last night.  We went to the hospital today.  They said we need to wear it one more day.  They saw something that may be "muscle artifacts".  I am not sure what that is, but they want her to close her eyes and rest for ten minutes every hour.  So, we will do this and return tomorrow.

The good news is they needed us to wear it longer so they didn't see anything obvious.  The bad news is that she has to wear it another twenty-four hours.  She is LOVING the attention.  However, too much attention and she starts to "play dumb".  She was strongly corrected a few minutes ago for her actions.  She got really angry.  Yes, I told her to turn around so I could get the time off the machine to record her emotions.  She didn't like that at all.  Probably because someone else will know besides me that she was so angry at me. 

EEG

We are at the hospital getting hooked up for the EEG. We will have to come back tomorrow and Friday. I pray this shows something. The nurse said if it shows something tomorrow we can stop. Praying for answers!

I am proud of her.

Hannah started with a rough day.  However, she got it together and her day turned out okay. I am proud of her.  She did complete her school and did okay with it all.   I have definitely had to parent her differently today.  She hasn't wanted to cooperate at times, so I have had to have strict boundaries.  She is currently driving Morgan nuts again following her around.  (She follows Morgan whether she is taking meds or not.)  She will start back on her meds Saturday morning. It was a good test run. 

We are working out a plan for Morgan to have her own room.  We will either give up the school room or the boys will share a room.  I know the boys are teenagers and they don't like to share a bed, but it is a king size bed.  My husband said it well.  He said Morgan has shared and given up a lot in the last two years, the boys can give up some now.  I think that is reasonable.  We may try moving them in together and if doesn't work, then move Alex into the school room.


What fun!! (NOT)

Medicine

We have taken Hannah off of her Foc*alin this week because of her scheduled 48 hr EEG this week. 

I have been reminded already this morning of what life was like before the meds.  If this is how the rest of our week is going to go, she will stay on her meds 12 months of the year, everyday.  She is having a very difficult school morning already.  She has the totally stressed look on her face this morning.  I am giving instructions and she looks at me like I spoke them in another language.  The good news is that Haylee is able to repeat them to her for me.  So, she is listening. 

Please pray for us this week.  The good, but bad news, is that maybe off the medicine, we will have an incident, whatever it may be. 

One of those days...

Today has been one of those homeschooling days where a student is mad at me because her school work is wrong.  She normally will look back and find the correct answers.  Not today.  She wanted me to give her the answers.  I just love it when she tells me it can't be wrong and gets mad at me.  She doesn't like it when  I call things as they appear.  She starts saying things that don't make any logical sense.   At least she didn't lie.  She agreed that she was mad at me.  Oh, how I wish we had the EEG stuff on today.  Needless to say, she has school work left to finish tonight. 

I told my husband that we were entering another cycle.  It started with the poor choices she made which she  is now serving restitution for to her siblings. 

Today was not a good school day for her.  Haylee did well today.  Morgan started out no so well, but was able to turn things around.  

They are at the group classes now.  I hope they go okay.

Thank goodness that everyday is a new day and a fresh start for everyone.

Neurologist

Hannah saw the pediatric neurologist yesterday.  We are scheduled for a 48 hour outpatient EEG next week.  We will go to the hospital an hour away and have the leads attached to her and she will receive a backpack that will be her best friend for two days.  She will wear the the testing gear for 48 hours and we will return early Friday morning to have them removed. 

I have mixed feelings because I don't want her to be having seizures, but I want something to happen in the 48 hours so we can tell what is going on.  I hope the eye dilation happens, so we can see if it is fight or flight or seizures.  We are going to record times that we see events happen, so the doctor can check those times first when he is reviewing the thousands of pages of results he will receive. 

What's Up?

We are wondering what the trigger is for Hannah right now.  Is it Gotcha Day coming up on April 6th?  This is the time of year when a lot of her losses occurred.  She has committed basically the same offense for the third time in 5 days.  She is struggling with respecting the boundaries of others.  It may be walking through a closed door without knocking, writing on someone elses picture or putting on her sister's clothes without permission.   However, it is getting more and more obvious each time.  The punishment is getting a little bit worse each time also. However, none of the punishments have been that severe, in my opinion.

My husband and I are praying that God will give us the proper way to deal with the issues.  We have talked about the punishment, but aren't going to tell her until after church what it will be.  I am praying for a revelation during our praise and worship time today.

Trust is improving

I felt God was leading me to talk with Hannah last night about some of her fears and the root issues behind them.  It was like God brought a picture into focus for me about some of the fears she has displayed over the last two years.  I talked with her alone for about thirty minutes last night.  She wasn't able to tell me what had happened in her past that made her so fearful regarding the situation I mentioned, but she did start opening up with me about other things. 

She told me about things she witnessed her parents doing and how they would copy those things as well.  She has told me about situations like this in the past. She got very emotional and didn't want to share with me what they had done.  She finally shared and like the other things she has shared it wasn't as bad as she thought.  I explained to her again that she was very young and didn't know any better.  It is not her fault and that I am glad she wouldn't want to do those things now.  It wasn't nearly what I was expecting for her to tell me.  She decided she wanted Haylee in the room for the rest of the story.
We called Haylee in the room and continued talking.  It was a good conversation.  I think Haylee has everything stuffed very deeply away inside of her.  The look on Haylee's face was of disgust when Hannah told her what she had told me.  It wasn't disgust at Hannah, but disgust at what they did.  I am protecting my girls and not sharing the details here, but it isn't as bad as one might think. 

I am glad they were sharing with me.  It is amazing how resourceful they were as such little girls.  I guess when a bad situation would come their way, they would do whatever needed to get help.  They told me about stacking chairs and pillows so they could climb up high enough to unlatch the door to get help.  Now remember, my girls are very small.  At ten they are about 48 pounds and 48 inches tall.  So, all these years ago, they were very, very small. 

Haylee shared some not so pleasant memories about her birth parents with me.  She rarely talks about her past.  It was interesting the types of things she remembered versus what Hannah remembers.

I am glad Hannah knows that what she revealed to me isn't as bad as she thought.  I believe as she reaches puberty she would have questioned her identity even more due to this issue.  I reassured her that she is okay and to not worry about what happened.  They were very young little girls. 

I believe Hannah and I are reaching a new milestone in our attachment.  I am very happy for each step.

On another note, I ordered Haylee and pressure tank top and a cushion for her seat.  It is suppose to help with ADHD and sensory needs.  I ordered a S and XS tank.  She put on the S first and it was snug.  However, she wanted to try on the smaller one.  It was hard to get over her head, but she loved it and wanted to keep the smaller one.  She has worn it all day today.  We shall see over time if it helps meet her sensory needs. 

We aren't able to get Hannah seen by a neurologist at our Children's Hospital three hours away because her tests were okay.  My doctor still wants her to be evaluated.  They are going to see if the pediatric neurologist will see her one hour away. 

I want them to start in the therapeutic horse riding group we have here.  Haylee has been approved by the doctor, but Hannah won't be approved until we see the neurologist.  Haylee is very excited about starting.  She loves horses.

Fetal Alcohol

GB's Mom at Adopting Special Needs posted an article on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome on the Foster 2Forever page here.  It was good for me to see the items she posted in her article again.  When the girls came to our family, I did a lot of research on FAS.  I used both of these items when discussing things with the doctors.  As I was reviewing the items today, I was reminded that these issues don't go away.
We have learned to live adjusting for their needs.  It makes some very difficult days for our entire family.  Some of the items I wasn't sure of two years ago, I am sure of now.  It is amazing how God has helped us adjust.  Our family definitely functions differently than before the girls came.  It is all part of God's plan, the good and the bad. 

What I often wonder is should I be getting more outside help.  We do okay now.  A lot of teaching goes on around here all the time. 

Thanks to GB's Mom for sharing today.  It reminds me that the things I see and live with are real and not just in my mind.  It is hard when the issues happen mainly at home.  They are beginning to be seen by people that my girls are with on a regular basis now.

Like Minded

I had the pleasure of talking with another Adoptive Mom on the phone last night for three hours.  Her children were placed in her home in December.  We would talk and she would say how glad she was to hear me say things because she had thought things and felt bad for thinking them.  Talking with her reminded me again that so many of Hannah's struggles are due to trauma, abuse, and neglect.  Her ten year old and Hannah are very similar in actions.  It was a great conversation!  I couldn't believe that it had already been three hours! 

It made me start thinking that maybe I should consider going to one of the retreats for adoptive moms. 

It is so nice to spend time with like minded people that "get" what we are doing in our crazy life.

Her daughter's eyes dilate when she is lying, in trouble or insecure.  It makes me really thing Hannah's are trauma related and not seizures.  Hopefully, we will find out something soon.

Praying

I am praying about what to do next with Hannah.  As of now, I am going to get an appointment with a pediatric neurologists out of town.  It may be six months before we can get an appointment.  During that time I will watch and document these episodes. 

I had her speech evaluated today and she was fine.  The lady noted that she needed to work on eye contact.  That is not surprising.  We are always asking her to look at us when she talks. 

So, it appears the stuttering and eye dilation are either the results of the fight/flight/freeze situation or a small seizure.  Even though the EEG didn't show anything, we could be dealing with seizures.  The characteristics can happen in either situation. 

If it is all part of fight/flight/freeze, is that dealing with PTSD?  Is this something I need to seek treatment for or just keep loving her and continue building her trust and security within our family?

Lots to think about...

Negative

The test results for Hannah was negative.  However, the doctor feels like I need to go ahead and see a pediatric neurologists in the next few months.  She hasn't had another episode since the one that caused the doctor visit.

Honesty

This is a conversation at my house tonight.

 Haylee was playing with her Littlest Pet Shop toys when I asked her to take the dog outside.  She told Hannah not to touch her toys while she went out.  Hannah said she wouldn't.  Haylee asked me to make sure she didn't touch them.  I asked if this had been a problem.  Haylee said that every time she asks Hannah not to touch them, she does, so she can't trust her.  I asked Hannah if this was true and she said it was.  (At least she was honest.)  I told Hannah to sit on the couch and not move until Haylee gets back from walking the dog. 

Ugh!  Lovely.  She stayed on the couch until Haylee returned and then watched Haylee play.  Whatever...

Hannah has an MRI and EEG early Wednesday morning.  A close friend that has been in foster care for years is letting Morgan and Haylee spend the night with her.  I am totally comfortable with her keeping them.  Hannah and I have to be at the hospital an hour away at 7 am. 

I have a speech and OT evaluation for the girls next Monday.  It may not be anything, but we are getting things evaluated. 

Doctor agrees

Hannah saw the doctor today.  He said testing needs to be done.  He has ordered an EEG and an MRI.  He thinks it would be ideal to go to Children's Hospital.  However, he knows he can't get us in quickly.  He said he has had two patients recently that needed to be seen.  They would not see them.  They said to go to the Pediatric Neurologist one hour away.  He said if we had "any strings to pull, pull them" to get in with a doctor at Children's.  He agreed that with us already having doctors up there, it would be great. 

I am praying that God will open a door for us to go to Children's.  His office is getting the insurance approval for the MRI and then they will make appointments in the town an hour away.  I have my mom and another friend seeing what they can do to figure out how to get us seen at Children's.  I spoke with a lady at the geneticist office today and she gave me some phone numbers to call at the clinic at Children's.  I am praying for favor tomorrow when I call.

He said we could be dealing with fight or flight issues that are worse due to the ADD medicine she takes.  

Doctor

I took Tucker to the doctor today and he has an ear infection.  I am sorry he has an ear infection, but I did get to speak with the doctor about Hannah's issues.  His first response was seizures.  He said we will probably start with an EEG and MRI.  I have to decide whether I want to start the testing in the town one hour away or travel to the big city three hours away.  If we traveled, we would be at Children's Hospital.  We already have records there with an endocrinologist and geneticist.  I think I am leaning to going there.  They are used to testing children.  The doctors have probably seen more testing done on children from trauma situations and children with FAE.  I feel like we might be about to get some answers to some things that haven't made sense before.

Maybe I should do the MRI here and if anything is found, then go to Children's.  I don't know the best answer.  I hate to put her through the test twice.

We "officially" see him tomorrow.  I need to decide what I want to do before then.

Testing

Hannah has an appt Tuesday to check on they situation with her eye dilation and stuttering.  I have had a few comments from readers, all questioning seizures.  I have also spoken with a friend of ours that happens to be a speech therapist in our public school system.  We had spoken with her when the girls first came about some issues with Hannah's speech.  She told me she would be happy to evaluate her.  I am calling her Monday to set up an appointment. 

The common thread is that they all can appear as a result of trauma.  No surprise there. 

Please pray for Hannah and wisdom for the doctor.  Also, please pray for me to remember all of the details when I see the doctor.  If this is seizures, we need to get them under control.  I pray it isn't.

This morning

When I walked in the kitchen this morning I found cereal poured on the counter.  When I asked why cereal was on the counter, the response was that someone was getting a bowl to put it in.  ????  Have we forgotten to get the bowl before the cereal?  I questioned why we didn't get the bowl first.  The response was that someone wanted to change  the cereal they had so they were putting their original choice back in the container then use what was on the counter.  I asked why this person didn't put the cereal back and then pour the other choice in their bowl.  You know the answer as well as I do, "I don't know."

Odd

Something odd happened today.  This afternoon I was going over some comprehension questions with Haylee and Hannah.  They had made corrections and I was going to finish it orally so they didn't have to spend a lot of time on the work.  We started going over the last few things and I noticed Hannah's eyes were extremely dilated.  I questioned myself about what could be causing the stress.  We had just started and we only had a few things to do before we were finished.  I wasn't stressed at all and she hadn't been in trouble.  Hannah was sitting to my left and Haylee was sitting to my right.  I looked at Haylee's eyes and back to Hannah's.  There was a huge difference in the dilation.  I asked a question and Haylee answered.  I didn't tell her if it was correct or not before asking Hannah the same question.  She was stuttering and closing her eyes.  I stopped and asked Hannah to come to me.  We were maybe a foot apart.  She came and I hugged her and told her I love her and she is safe with me.  What we are doing doesn't tell how much I love her or accept her.  I love her and she is my daughter and I am proud of her.  Haylee just giggled as she watched.  I had her sit back down and her eyes hadn't changed.  She could talk better, but her eyes were still dilated.  It was very odd.  She struggles with her words when she is the least bit nervous.  I guided her througth the answers because I knew in her state, she wouldn't be able to answer on her own.  I made it much easier for them and we finished up. 

I wonder what triggered this event?  The only time she has had the eye dilation before was when she was in trouble.  She had just come home from piano and played outside for a few minutes before we started. 

Is there any way to figure out what triggers these events or is it just trial and error?  This was a totally different situation than any in the past. 

Two years

April 6th will be two years since my girls came to live with us forever.  I will never forget that day.  They were so tiny and frail.  They are still small, but they have grown so much, in so many ways.  For the next six months of my life, I advocated for my girls.  I became "well known" among social workers and office of adoption workers.  I am sure they thought I would never give up.  I didn't.  I had God on my side and I have no doubt he was guiding my steps.  We were blessed to have a great counselor come to our house once a month.  She met with all five of my children.  Morgan really like this time.  She would assure my husband and I that we were doing the right things with our children.  She would spend about 2-3 hours with us.  We need that assurance during that time.  As I reflect, I am reminded at how far we have come as a family.  We still have rough days and many hard decisions to make regarding our children, but one thing stays the same, my God is greater than all of our problems and diagnosis. 

I was reminded of this over the last few days because I received an email from a mother that has had a sibling group of three placed in her home.  They have had some unexpected surprises since placement and her world has been turned upside down.  Well, our state worker suggested that we get in touch with one another.  My state worker, which is hers as well, told her that I am a "ball of fire" when it comes to advocating for her children.  I did fight all the way to the top for our famiy, not just my adopted children.  I fought for things I would need to make our adoption placement successful for our entire family.  If our entire family doesn't have success, then the adoption isn't successful.  I have to look out for all of my children, no matter how God blessed me with them.

 So, eventhough I drove them all nuts, showed up at their FAS seminar to hear Kari Fletcher speak and sent numerous emails with a great amount of research on FAS, my state worker recommended me to another family for help.  God is so good!!!  I have emailed the family and am praying for them to have peace and to receive help quickly!! 

It isn't petty...

Yes, I agree with Acceptance with Joy in her response to my last post..

It might seem petty -until you add up how many times a day this kind of thing takes place. . . And the energy it saps. Lies piled on lies. The emotional drain on a mother wanting the best for her children but knowing the child is doing everything possible to con you. ... And then it's not petty at all!

I also am going to try using Sophie's new motto:

"Seeing it for what it is"


Thank you ladies for your comments.  It is so nice to have friends that understand this crazy life of ours.  It is also nice to know it isn't me because sometimes I start to wonder if I am the crazy one around here.


Also, after reading my last post again, I left off the fact that when I started brushing Hannah's hair, I looked down and she had a huge tear in her tights that went all the way down her leg.  So, we are worried about our hair, that looked fine, but not about how awful our tights look?  I don't get it.
 

Attachment or manipulation??

I just typed an entire post and somehow deleted it....here we go again.

This may sound petty to some of you, but when dealing with hurt children, my view gets blurred by the manipulation. 

Today, the twins were getting ready for dance.  They wear pink tights and black leotards with their hair in a ponytail. Haylee comes out dressed with a huge blue sequenced bow in her hair.  I tell her we aren't wearing that to dance and take it out.  I think she had about four knots in the bow and two hair bands.  (Sensory stuff??)  I tell her I will help fix her hair when we get to dance.

Hannah walks in and looks very nice.  I tell her she looks nice and she did a good job fixing her hair.  It looked really good!!

We all load up to go to dance and swim team.  In the car, Haylee asks if I will fix her hair at dance.  I tell her yes; even though, I had already told her in the house. 

We travel the five to ten minutes to dance and start unloading to go inside.  Hannah asks me if I can fix her hair also.  As I am getting out of the car, I turn back and her hair is down.  I asked her why her hair was down, it had looked so nice.  She said that it got messed up and the back was coming down. 

Thoughts are swirling through my head as she tells me this.  We all walk inside and the older three head to the pool for swim team.  I take the twins to the bathroom to fix their hair.  I asked Hannah why she took her hair down.  The story I get this time is that she had bobby pins in the back and she didn't know if I would like them. What??  Why would I have a problem with bobby pins in the back under her ponytail.  I never have in the past.  The only thing I can ever remember saying about bobby pins was that they aren't meant to be worn in the front on top of your head, they are meant to not be very noticeable. 

I fixed Haylee's hair for dance.  I start fixing Hannah's hair.  I asked her why she told me a story about why her hair was down when I would much rather her say that she would like me to brush and fix her hair because she likes it.   I asked her why she feels she has to manipulate the situation to get her way.  ( I realize she can't answer that question, but it is what I said.)  She just continued to make up reasons.  I told her to stop because she it just lying and going to get her into trouble.  She kept trying to tell me different versions of the story.  Of course, she says I am not and I didn't take my hair down on purpose.  Explain to me how her hair can get messed up traveling 5-10 minutes in the car.  She had even wet her hair at home when she was fixing it, so I know it didn't come down on its own.  Haylee chimes in and says that Hannah just took it down, it didn't fall.  She is the master at keeping a straight face and making eye contact when she is manipulating or lying.  It is getting harder and harder to tell the truth from lies.  She whines a little and says, "But Momma, I am not lying."  It is so hard, because all of our friends believe her and say that she doesn't mean to lie.  Obviously, I ignore their opinion. 

Training

Rarely do we have a dull moment in this house.  It is not easy parenting children that are from a life of trauma and neglect.  My girls are so much easier than so many, but I am just amazed everyday at someone of the things we have to deal with.  My husband said the other day that we are constantly training and teaching the girls all the time.  We rarely get a break.  It is never easy.  For example, we went to Sam's the other day and they walked right out in front of a car.  I was shocked.  I thought we were past that.  Obviously not.  The training never stops.  I wish I had something that told me each morning what age I am going to be parenting that day.  Is it 5, 7, 10?  I never know from day to day.

Another question...

Can you have children tested for sensory issues?  We see a lot of this with Haylee.  A friend of mine has triplets that were preemies like my girls.  Her boy acts a lot like Haylee.  She has him in therapy for sensory issues.  We have talked about this since the girls have been with us, but didn't really know where to begin.  Is this something you learn by watching or is their a test to determine is they have issues?  Does it just come with ADD and FAE?

Father Daughter Dance 2012

The girls had a great time at the Father Daughter Dance again this year.  I believe this is one of the highlights of the year for Haylee and Hannah.  Fortunately, the attendance increased this year.  If it hadn't, we weren't going to do it again next year.  My husband feels that God gave him a vision for the dance in our town.  God has provided great speakers each year which talk about the importance of the father daughter relationship in their lives.  We are blessed to be a part of such a great event!

Birthday Fun

Morgan's birthday party went pretty well.  All of the girls slept in the family room right outside our bedroom.  Haylee and Hannah were more than excited about the sleepover.  However, they struggled in their own ways leading up to the party.  As we were eating ice cream, I noticed Hannah didn't look right.  I felt her head and she was warm.  She had a low temp.  She cried and cried because we told her she had to sleep in our room on a mattress instead of with the girls.  It is interesting how God takes care of things.  We let her stay in with the girls, but sitting by herself, for the first movie.  My husband stayed up for the second movie and Hannah and I went to bed.  She didn't like that either.  My husband handled telling her that she had to go to bed because she was sick.  She was very sad.  I explained to her that she wasn't in trouble and she didn't do anything wrong.  Of course, she was still sad.  I tried to make it a big deal that she got to sleep in our room, but she didn't care. When my husband came to bed an hour or so later, she woke up and started crying and sniffing again.  I suspect it was partly attention.  I got up and got her some medicine for congestion and amazingly, the sniffles stopped immediately, not about twenty minutes later when the medicine started working. 

After the guests left the next morning, a friend of mine kept Haylee and Hannah for the day and Morgan and I went to my mother's to go shopping.  Haylee and Hannah had a blast playing with our friend's daughter and Morgan and I had a wonderful time.

My mother, Morgan and I shopped and shopped and shopped.  We didn't purchase much, but we had a great time!  I am so glad I listened to my friends and spent time alone with Morgan and my mother.  As my mother said, "We were even able to eat at a grown up restaurant."  It was refreshing for all three of us!!  I truly enjoyed the day!!  We love desserts!  Look at what we had...

Morgan and I had a great trip!!  I was so happy and refreshed on our ride home!  Morgan and I talked about the other children some.  We got back home shortly after lunch.  The arguing among the girls started within five minutes of getting home.  Oh well, the low stress environment was nice for twenty-four hours at least. 

I discovered that Hannah slept without a pillow case.  Bless her heart!  Hers was being washed, but we have plenty.  She said she didn't want to ask for one.  This breaks my heart!!

Morgan's Birthday

Morgan will be eleven this Friday.  My, how time flies!!!  She is having a spend the night party again this year.  Last year Haylee and Hannah had to sleep in our room and Morgan and her friends stayed in the girls room.  However, this year I am going to have all of the girls sleep in the family room, which is right outside my room, so I can hear them.  I am going to let Hannah and Haylee stay with them.  Unless something happens between now and then for them to lose the privilege.  I think they will be okay and get to participate.  Sometimes when they are anticipating something like this, they struggle.  I pray they do okay.  We haven't had many girls spend the night since the girls have been in our family.  The dynamics are different and it makes having girls spend the night more complicated.  

Saturday morning after the guests leave, Morgan and I are going to visit my mother and go shopping.  Morgan asked to do this for her birthday.  I struggled with it for awhile because of not including the girls, but Morgan should be able to do this without the girls.  They can ask for the same thing for their birthday.  I have struggled with this type thing ever since the girls came.  I feel like Morgan should be allowed to do things without the twins sometimes.  I guess I am still trying to convince myself this is okay.  We will be home by lunch on Sunday.  It will be a short and sweet trip, I hope! 

Book

I am currently reading, The Great Behavior Breakdown by Bryan Post.  It is a good book.  He references Bruce Perry quite a bit in his book.  Bruce Perry is going to be in our state speaking in April.  I am very excited to be able to go to the conference.  This book by Bryan Post is really helping me renew my parenting skills for traumatized children.  It reminded me of some things I knew, but have quit using. 

One thing, is the positive and negative cycle.  Sometimes I do well changing the negative behavior to positive and diffusing the situation and sometimes I don't.  I have really focused on trying to speak to my children in positive ways instead of negative.  This really gets hard as the day progresses.  My girls seem to struggle more the more positive I try to be.  They appear to get more insecure when we are happy.  I have read that this can make them feel insecure. 

Bryan Post says that love and fear are the two emotions the children function from.  We have had two incidences today where Hannah assumed things were said that were not said at all by anyone.  Having read the night before about how she is functioning out of fear, I gently corrected her assumptions and tried to promote security.  She just assumed these things because in her mind she thought people were being unfair to her.  The good thing is the second incident was with me and she was able to partially verbalize what she was thinking.  If I can keep her from entering the fight or flight mode, she is getting better a talking.  If I can't keep her from entering, we are can't make progress until we can help her regulate again.  I am working on getting to her eye level and watching my tone of voice.  I was very good at this when they first came to live with us, but over time I have forgotten to do this when correcting them. 

I have not read very far in the book, but am looking forward to reading a little bit tonight.  I don't have time to read often, but I am trying to read some when I get in the bed at night.  However, I usually don't make it long before I am sound asleep. 

I will let you know more as I read further in the book.  Have any of you read this book?

Swim Team

We had an out of town swim meet today.  I am so proud of all of my children!!  However, Haylee and Hannah have improved so much!!  It is truly amazing.  Two girls that could barely keep their heads above water 21 months ago are competing in swim meets and doing really well! 

Haylee is either really "on" or really "not one."  Today was a really "on" day and she looked great.  She was focused and determined.  They both really improved their times.  Their confidence was so amazing today.  I talked to all of the kids on the way to the meet about how a lot of younger kids that have never competed will be there.  Be alert and help them if needed.  All five kids were very helpful.  I was helping get the newer kids to their blocks to swim.  I was encouraging a little girl to finish her race.  I looked over a few lanes and our Coach had asked Haylee to jump in and help a little guy swimming finish his freestyle race.  It was precious!!  What a confidence builder for the Coach to ask Haylee to help a little guy not much smaller than her in the pool!!!  It was such a God moment!  I wish I had a picture.  He finished the race with Haylee encouraging him and swimming next to him.  God is so good!! 

All five kids swam best times and had fun. 

On the hard days, it is so helpful to reflect on how far the girls have come.  God is so good to us!!

Snow Tubing

We gave the kids a trip for Christmas. We went to North Georgia and went snow tubing. We had a wonderful trip. They also had an outdoor ice skating rink which was a lot of fun. They did well skating considering it was their first time.   We decided to invest in making memories this year instead of a bunch of stuff they would forget about in a month or so.  I will let the pictures tell about our trip.  I have posted quite a few, but it is only a few considering we took over 300.