Odd

Something odd happened today.  This afternoon I was going over some comprehension questions with Haylee and Hannah.  They had made corrections and I was going to finish it orally so they didn't have to spend a lot of time on the work.  We started going over the last few things and I noticed Hannah's eyes were extremely dilated.  I questioned myself about what could be causing the stress.  We had just started and we only had a few things to do before we were finished.  I wasn't stressed at all and she hadn't been in trouble.  Hannah was sitting to my left and Haylee was sitting to my right.  I looked at Haylee's eyes and back to Hannah's.  There was a huge difference in the dilation.  I asked a question and Haylee answered.  I didn't tell her if it was correct or not before asking Hannah the same question.  She was stuttering and closing her eyes.  I stopped and asked Hannah to come to me.  We were maybe a foot apart.  She came and I hugged her and told her I love her and she is safe with me.  What we are doing doesn't tell how much I love her or accept her.  I love her and she is my daughter and I am proud of her.  Haylee just giggled as she watched.  I had her sit back down and her eyes hadn't changed.  She could talk better, but her eyes were still dilated.  It was very odd.  She struggles with her words when she is the least bit nervous.  I guided her througth the answers because I knew in her state, she wouldn't be able to answer on her own.  I made it much easier for them and we finished up. 

I wonder what triggered this event?  The only time she has had the eye dilation before was when she was in trouble.  She had just come home from piano and played outside for a few minutes before we started. 

Is there any way to figure out what triggers these events or is it just trial and error?  This was a totally different situation than any in the past. 

Anger

We are dealing with anger around here.  We are trying to find healthy ways for Hannah to release her anger. 

I have talked to a counselor we met with prior to finalization and she suggested a few things.  She is going to visit our home in early December and meet with each girl alone.  This is definitely a new season for all of us.  I am remaining calm and trying to love her through her anger.  After we discuss the issue, I reassure her that she is safe and secure in our family.  She will not be moved again.  She is in our family forever.  We will love her no matter what she does.  She can't make us stop loving her and being her parents.  Sometimes this will bring tears to her eyes and sometimes you can see her body relax.  I have to remain focused for this to be successful.  She is going to have to stay close to me again for awhile.  I need this to keep a watchful eye on her and I think she needs this for security.

I have wondered today is she if "fake" to me and her "real" self when I am not around.  She knows what not to do in front of me, but does it when I leave the room.  This is becoming more and more common. 

Her anger is becoming the bottom line for problems lately.  She gets mad and doesn't even care about the consequences.  Her cause and effect struggles also come into play at this point also. 

I am praying that God will heal her hurt places. 

Old Habits Surface Again

Alex has a friend over tonight that lives out of town.  They have been friends since they were babies.  He came down to spend the night tonight.  Well, the kids were playing outside.  I walk out and Haylee has reverted to baby talk and Hannah is flirting telling the friend that she can't believe he is only 12 because he looks much older.  Ugh...

Needless to say, they are watching a movie now and the girls are on one side of the couch and the boys are on the other.  Morgan is the barrier between the twins and the other boys. 

I guess when they try to impress the new person they get uncomfortable and revert back to their old ways.

Well Angela, I blew it already!!!

A New Day

I am so thankful that God gives us a new day everyday!!  I failed miserably yesterday at being a mother.  The girls are testing the waters right now.  I think it must be because their birthday is coming.

  They have been saying they want to go to Chuc*kee Chee*se.  It is an hour away, but we said they could each take a friend and we would go.  All of a sudden, they think they can just decide they want a spend the night party and have one.  They are NOT ready for a spend the night party.  I asked what they wanted to do at their party.  Haylee said they just want to play babies.  I reminded them they don't do as well with "free play" for long periods of time.  My husband and I agree they aren't having a spend the night party.  Also, when they first started talking about what they wanted to do for their birthday, I told them not to mention the party to any of their friends because we hadn't made plans for anything.  Well, what does Hannah do the next day?  Tell one of her friends that we are going to the place for their birthday.  Guess what?  Now her one friend is going to be the friend she invites because she already invited that person and we aren't going to hurt feelings.  She probably would have invited her anyway, but we are trying to make a point. 

Anyway, I really blew it yesterday.  Hannah has this way of deciding when she is done with school.  At that point, she doesn't complete anything well.  She has to redo and redo.  I have talked and talked with her about this.  I have sent her to jump on the trampoline, ride her bike, run around outside for awhile, or whatever I can think of to let her brain rest.  Well, all we accomplish is she gets really angry at me.  Yesterday, she didn't go outside, she just got angry at me.  She got mad because she couldn't take the computer to the soccer field to finish her paper.  (It is a desktop, by the way.)  She was livid at ME.  Well, I had had enough.  I really lost my temper and spoke truth to her!!  I guess the truth hurts sometimes.

  I don't like it when I lose my temper with her because I truly believe her goal in life right now is to please me so I won't send her back.  I would never send her back.  I reminded after the "event" was over that I love her bunches.  I told her that nothing would ever change that.  I told her that I don't like her choices, but I love her.  We talk about choices quite often around here.  When they talk about their birth parents, we talk about the bad choices they made. 

I got upset with Haylee later over a stupid thing, her socks.  Now why did I pick that battle?  Stupid, huh?  Well, she had on two pair of socks.  She told me she didn't realize she had on two.  What???  I told her to take one pair off, she was changing at swim team, because she was having to work really hard to get her shoes on with two pair.  On the way to the soccer field, she said something about having on two pair of socks.  Ugh!!  Did she just choose to disobey?  I was so frustrated. 

I must have forgotten yesterday that I am the adult, not a ten year old.  I need to act better than they do to set an example. 

Thanks goodness for a new day!!  I am trying to stay calm and peaceful this morning.  However, it is always difficult when one little girls brings me a school book and tells me it is wrong or it can't be done.  Ugh!!

Things are okay

Morgan has been at camp since Tuesday. Things are going pretty well. It is funny how many times the girls would both say they didn't do something in their room and I would get to say, "You can't blame Morgan, one of you did it." I am really surprised at how many times that has happened. They have wondered around a couple times wondering what to do. We have spent the last two afternoons at the pool so that has helped. They are bickering more and more. It is definitely interesting.

I have received a letter each day from Morgan. She seems happy. I have a feeling she is going to be rotten when she gets home. She is blessed with so many wonderful activities all day long at camp that when she gets home she is going to have to remember how to entertain herself. I am so thankful we were able to send her. I think it has been a good thing for everybody.

My husband has noticed the flirting the last few times we have all been together. Today at the pool a new teenage boy started life guarding. He is a good christian homeschool boy. Well, she was trying to discreetly get his attention. She was the only one in the middle pool and she was swimming right in front of him. My husband noticed and told her to come play with him in the water.

Crying Wolf

Hannah was just in the den doing a math problem. All of a sudden she was making dramatic sobbing noises. I didn't go in the room, but I asked if she was crying about her math problem. She didn't answer. I went in the room, but her face didn't match the crying noises. Manipulation? I would say yes. I asked her if she was making sobbing sounds. She said yes. Her face wasn't even red! I asked her if she remembered the crying wolf story. She has heard it many times in this house. I asked her to tell me the story and she did very well. I asked her to tell me the crying wolf story using her actions. She did. I explained again that if she is sobbing over a math problem, how do I know when she is sobbing about something else that it is a real hurt. Ugh!

By the way, I had just spent a few minutes talking with her one on one about some special things. I guess she couldn't handle the positive talk we had.

She is outside for a few minutes to get it together. I send her outside to swing or jump on the trampoline to clear her brain. Maybe I should do like another blog friend and make them run. I could use the exercise to lose the "baby weight" I have gained since getting the twins. She could run laps around the house.

Testing and tears

Can we have one school morning where we don't have tears? It has started everyday lately. I am mentally worn out by mid-morning some days. Hannah cries about something...school, made poor choices and was corrected, I could keep naming reasons, EVERYDAY. It is never a surprise anymore. The tears get no sympathy from anyone. I guess this is her form of rage. I am afraid one day she is going to explode.

Hannah is testing everything. It is like we are having to relearn rules again. She is asking questions that she knows the answer. I guess she is trying to see if our answer will change. All of us tend to selfishness, but these girls have it much worse. They are having a hard time remembering that they don't do things just because they want to.

Haylee was told to come in and set the table tonight. She didn't come in and I went out to get her. I asked her why she didn't come in and she shrugged her shoulders and said, "I don't know." That doesn't fly around here. She heard when she was told. She chose not to come in because she wanted to play. Well, guess what, she is already in the bed.

Hannah was asked to not play the piano while Haylee was testing. Guess what? She did it anyway, because she wanted too. Ugh...

These are just two of the many examples of what we deal with. The blessing is they do not rage. They can have little fits, but no raging.

Haylee doesn't lie often. Hannah will if she isn't careful. Her instinct is to say whatever she needs to say to stay out of trouble. For example, saying she didn't know why she looked at the answer key to the worksheet she was doing. She said she didn't know why she looked. She changed her story three times and never said she was looking for an answer.

What? Do they get it?

We move in good and bad cycles around here. We are in a not so good cycle around here now.

Changes...

I have been thinking about a lot of things the way our week has been going.

What things should I change and what things should I leave the same?

How could I handle the situations better so she isn't tempted to lie?

How do we handle things when she can't handle that the attention isn't on her all the time?
They are a part of this family and every one gets attention at different times. The adoption is final and they are the same as any other child in this family.

We have been working on Haylee's baby talk and Hannah started talking like a baby. Ugh!!

How do you handle a child that wants what they want when they want it, no matter what? She does whatever it takes to get her way or what she wants, without considering the effect on anyone else.

She is staring more and more at my husband and I. Is she trying to figure out how a Mommy and Daddy act? What is the deal? I seem to be catching her staring more and more in public. The other kids usually notice it before me and tell her to stop.

I feel like I am having to be on my toes all of the time again. I feel like we have backed way up again in the trust department.

This is exhausting...

Early bedtime for one...

We have been really busy around here lately. The girls were all in a musical Friday night that was wonderful. They did so well!! I am a proud mama!! I cried part of the way through thinking about how far Hannah and Haylee have come in eight months. Wow, they have really changed.

Today hasn't been a good day for Hannah. I noticed yesterday she wasn't acting right. I kept trying to figure out what was going on. She kept saying she was fine. Today she has been testing boundaries.

The third strike was when she was putting things in the fire. Alex told her not to because Daddy had already explained why we don't put pine in the fire. She sarcastically yelled back that she knew, but... I don't even remember what the rest was. I went in to ask her why she said that and she said she didn't. She lied. Four of us heard her. We gave her a chance to talk through it and explain herself and she just sat there. Well, she went to be very early. She isn't happy, but my husband said enough is enough.

The first episode today wasn't terrible and we recovered quickly. The second episode was when she was being ugly to her sisters. By the third episode, I was done.

She appears to be struggling and has reverted some. She also asked to call her foster mom last night. We told her no. When she asked she used the voice we haven't heard in a long time. It was her manipulation voice. She also used fake manipulation tears last night. Neither works with us. Hopefully, a good nights rest will help.

Approval

I believe Hannah is doing whatever to get approval. She is getting herself in trouble multiple times a day due to this. I have prayed about what is going on and I feel like approval and acceptance is the root issue. She is hurting the feelings of others, acting like she is clueless when she isn't and driving me crazy with staring at me and making her fake face. I am really struggling with her right now. I am having to fight the feeling of wanting to avoid her. When she first came I had to make myself love on her. It got easier. Right now it is hard again. I hate feeling this way. I know it isn't right. I do love them and wouldn't trade them for anything. She even stares at me for approval when she says prayers at night. I have suspected and on occasion I have peeked and caught her staring at me. Tonight I stopped the prayers and reminded her that she is praying to God and she doesn't need my approval about what she is saying.

I took the girls to a Community Thanksgiving Service tonight at another church. A sweet friend of ours was telling the story of Esther from Esther's point of view. It was great and the girls said they enjoyed it also. However, one lady on the praise team looked like their birth mom. Not as thin in the face, but VERY similar. Hannah noticed it very quickly when the lady went on stage. Ugh! I wonder what issues this will cause tonight or tomorrow. I pray none.