Medicine

We have taken Hannah off of her Foc*alin this week because of her scheduled 48 hr EEG this week. 

I have been reminded already this morning of what life was like before the meds.  If this is how the rest of our week is going to go, she will stay on her meds 12 months of the year, everyday.  She is having a very difficult school morning already.  She has the totally stressed look on her face this morning.  I am giving instructions and she looks at me like I spoke them in another language.  The good news is that Haylee is able to repeat them to her for me.  So, she is listening. 

Please pray for us this week.  The good, but bad news, is that maybe off the medicine, we will have an incident, whatever it may be. 

What's Up?

We are wondering what the trigger is for Hannah right now.  Is it Gotcha Day coming up on April 6th?  This is the time of year when a lot of her losses occurred.  She has committed basically the same offense for the third time in 5 days.  She is struggling with respecting the boundaries of others.  It may be walking through a closed door without knocking, writing on someone elses picture or putting on her sister's clothes without permission.   However, it is getting more and more obvious each time.  The punishment is getting a little bit worse each time also. However, none of the punishments have been that severe, in my opinion.

My husband and I are praying that God will give us the proper way to deal with the issues.  We have talked about the punishment, but aren't going to tell her until after church what it will be.  I am praying for a revelation during our praise and worship time today.

Praying

I am praying about what to do next with Hannah.  As of now, I am going to get an appointment with a pediatric neurologists out of town.  It may be six months before we can get an appointment.  During that time I will watch and document these episodes. 

I had her speech evaluated today and she was fine.  The lady noted that she needed to work on eye contact.  That is not surprising.  We are always asking her to look at us when she talks. 

So, it appears the stuttering and eye dilation are either the results of the fight/flight/freeze situation or a small seizure.  Even though the EEG didn't show anything, we could be dealing with seizures.  The characteristics can happen in either situation. 

If it is all part of fight/flight/freeze, is that dealing with PTSD?  Is this something I need to seek treatment for or just keep loving her and continue building her trust and security within our family?

Lots to think about...

This morning

When I walked in the kitchen this morning I found cereal poured on the counter.  When I asked why cereal was on the counter, the response was that someone was getting a bowl to put it in.  ????  Have we forgotten to get the bowl before the cereal?  I questioned why we didn't get the bowl first.  The response was that someone wanted to change  the cereal they had so they were putting their original choice back in the container then use what was on the counter.  I asked why this person didn't put the cereal back and then pour the other choice in their bowl.  You know the answer as well as I do, "I don't know."

Today

Well, I did better today.  It wasn't perfect, but everything I said, I evaluated.  I am not sure if today was good enough to call Day 1 or not.  That is okay because I just want to keep improving.

We had doctor appointments out of town today.  All five kids went with me.  We went in to the large pet store.  The girls wanted to look at the hamsters and birds.  The place was empty because it was 10:30am on a school day.  I left them looking as the boys and I went to get dog food.  We were only gone a few minutes and when we returned, Hannah was trying to open the door to get inside the booth behind the glass where the animals are kept.  I couldn't believe it.  When asked why,of course she said she wanted to go in there.  (Duh, Mom, what a stupid question.)  Well, I can say,I didn't lecture or lose my temper.  I said that is not a good decision for a ten year old.  You will hold my hand and stay next to me the rest of the day.  I have heard other blog friends do this, but I have never actually made any of them hold my hand for a long period of time. 

Well, she thought it was okay at first.  However, we went into a large shoe store next.  She discovered it was no fun to be stuck to Mom like glue when the other girls are looking around.  (They were within my sight also.)  I wasn't negative or ugly.  I just made her hold my hand.  We left the store and went to eat lunch.  I made her get out of the car and hold my hand.  She had to sit by me and not choose her seat.  This is a big deal for her because she always wants to pick where she sits.  It is a control thing with her.  During the meal, I had to go to the restroom, so she had to go with me.  We survived and did okay.  I think it made an impression on her. 

I was excited because I contained my emotions even though I couldn't believe what she was trying to do at the pet store.  I may be using this form of discipline more with her because it worked well for both of us. 

I guess I have finished with Day 1.  It may not have been perfect, but I prayed a lot for guidance and understanding towards my girls.  I think I did much better than the day before.  It is like I tell my children, I tried hard and improved.  Tomorrow is a new day.

How is everyone else doing?

However, homeschooling makes this a very interesting challenge.  We were out of town most of the day today.  I am anxious to see what tomorrow hold for all of us.

Old Habits Surface Again

Alex has a friend over tonight that lives out of town.  They have been friends since they were babies.  He came down to spend the night tonight.  Well, the kids were playing outside.  I walk out and Haylee has reverted to baby talk and Hannah is flirting telling the friend that she can't believe he is only 12 because he looks much older.  Ugh...

Needless to say, they are watching a movie now and the girls are on one side of the couch and the boys are on the other.  Morgan is the barrier between the twins and the other boys. 

I guess when they try to impress the new person they get uncomfortable and revert back to their old ways.

Well Angela, I blew it already!!!

Struggling...

Is it me or her? 

We have had a few difficult days around here.  Hannah is struggling and so am I .  I don't know if I am the problem or if I have a reason to be struggling.  She is holding her own in school.  She is doing well with old math concepts, but struggling with the new ones.  After about three days of reteaching, she usually gets the concept.  I am okay with that.  We have developed a pattern and it works.

We had a weird occurance a few days ago about a wash cloth.  I know that sounds really stupid.  I asked a simple question and it turned into something big.  Sometimes I wish I wasn't so in tune to what my kids are doing.  I wish I was just clueless at times.  She got really defensive about what she had been doing.  Anyway, what she finally told me she did was not very good hygiene.  The more I thought about it, I wondered if she was lying to cover something else.  I have thought about it for a few days.  I am not sure of the truth.  I questioned her again about the truth.  She begged me to believe her.  I want to trust her and believe her so bad.  I have an uneasy feeling about the situation.  The story she gave is so odd, I wonder if she is started lying to cover up what she really did and made a really weird story up as I questioned her. 

Her nightmares have become more frequent in the last few weeks.  Last night, the dream was pretty bad.  (What person allows their toddler to watch horror movies??)  I am trying to find a pattern to her dreams.  What is she feeling when she goes to bed?  How was her day?  Good or bad?  Did she get in trouble late in the afternoon or evening? 

I believe if you tell one lie, it gets easier and easier to tell more.  I wonder if she has started a snowball effect.  I wonder if she cracked the door for Satan and therefore the dreams are bad again.

She got really frustrated because she couldn't get the TV to turn on to watch a DVR'd show.  We have shown her and shown her.  She went to her bed when she gave up.  She has a strong attachment to TV.  It is really odd.  I don't see it in any of my other children.  They all enjoy TV, but her interest is different.  I went by her room and saw she was upset and told her to rest in her bed to calm down.  She of course didn't like this.  She historically makes poor choices when she gets in this mode, so I was giving her time to regulate herself. 

Many little things are happening.  She it testing the boundaries.  It isn't big things, but lots of little things.  I tell her not to do something and she goes and does it.  ie: Stay here until after finish our time together (our group time in the morning to start school) before you start the dishes.  She walks to the kitchen and puts a glass in the dishwasher.  What?  I asked her why she did that.  She said because she wanted to.  Ugh!!


Please pray for me to have a clear picture of what is going on.  She struggles with attachment to me.  She appears closer to my husband at times.  I wonder if it because I am with her all day long. 

We are struggling now.  Please pray.  I love all of my children.  I love Hannah.  I don't know what is going on with us.  Why am I struggling so?

Camp

Morgan had a wonderful time at camp!!! The transition for all of us was difficult today. The twins have been following around Alex at my parents lake house this weekend. He is tired of it I believe. Well, today they attached to Morgan again. This was hard for especially because she was so tired.

The girls would like to go to camp like Morgan. They aren't ready. They haven't attached nearly enough to even consider them spending a night away except with my parents or my in-laws. They still have nightmares. They aren't as regular, but we do have them, especially when we aren't at home. Hannah was afraid of all of the water rides. She watched as she stood and chewed on her fingers. We went the pool and she did play on the water slide. Haylee loved the little zip line and the diving board and water slide at the pool. Haylee kept wandering off from us as we were walking around. She would get so lost.

After they swam, they put on dry clothes and we went to the arcade. The girls have never played many video games, so they didn't know what to do. By this time, they were very overwhelmed. I could tell it was too much. We then went to the trampolines. They last there about 1 minute. All of our group went to get a soda and the kids began playing a game in a small area enclosed by a half wall. I was getting a drink and wasn't paying much attention. When I walked up, I heard a girl ask Hannah is she was going to play. Hannah said yes. She was standing there a scared look with her hands in her mouth. I think they were playing a type of dodge ball. Well, they started playing and the ball hit her about three times in the legs. She just stood there petrified. I told her to get out because she isn't playing. She argued and said she was. Whatever!! She got out and was mad at me.

Hannah would be absolutely miserable at camp. Haylee would probably stay in trouble for not paying attention and getting lost. We will have to try to explain the best we can why they aren't ready if any of our kids go next summer. I did tell all of them in the car today that decision whether anyone attends camp is based on each person as an individual, not as a group. Just because one person attends, doesn't mean everyone gets to go. I explained that everyone is different and Daddy and I have to evaluate each child abilities separately.

What a tough thing. I am sure it appears rough, but it is the way it has to be for us.

Things are okay

Morgan has been at camp since Tuesday. Things are going pretty well. It is funny how many times the girls would both say they didn't do something in their room and I would get to say, "You can't blame Morgan, one of you did it." I am really surprised at how many times that has happened. They have wondered around a couple times wondering what to do. We have spent the last two afternoons at the pool so that has helped. They are bickering more and more. It is definitely interesting.

I have received a letter each day from Morgan. She seems happy. I have a feeling she is going to be rotten when she gets home. She is blessed with so many wonderful activities all day long at camp that when she gets home she is going to have to remember how to entertain herself. I am so thankful we were able to send her. I think it has been a good thing for everybody.

My husband has noticed the flirting the last few times we have all been together. Today at the pool a new teenage boy started life guarding. He is a good christian homeschool boy. Well, she was trying to discreetly get his attention. She was the only one in the middle pool and she was swimming right in front of him. My husband noticed and told her to come play with him in the water.

Crying Wolf

Hannah was just in the den doing a math problem. All of a sudden she was making dramatic sobbing noises. I didn't go in the room, but I asked if she was crying about her math problem. She didn't answer. I went in the room, but her face didn't match the crying noises. Manipulation? I would say yes. I asked her if she was making sobbing sounds. She said yes. Her face wasn't even red! I asked her if she remembered the crying wolf story. She has heard it many times in this house. I asked her to tell me the story and she did very well. I asked her to tell me the crying wolf story using her actions. She did. I explained again that if she is sobbing over a math problem, how do I know when she is sobbing about something else that it is a real hurt. Ugh!

By the way, I had just spent a few minutes talking with her one on one about some special things. I guess she couldn't handle the positive talk we had.

She is outside for a few minutes to get it together. I send her outside to swing or jump on the trampoline to clear her brain. Maybe I should do like another blog friend and make them run. I could use the exercise to lose the "baby weight" I have gained since getting the twins. She could run laps around the house.

What do you do...

when you suspect an adopted daughter is flirting with a birth son? She begs him to play outside with her and desires his attention. She will do stupid things to get attention, just like flirting.

We were all in the kitchen a few minutes ago having a snack. She doesn't like banana at all. She told him she would try it. She was doing her fake smiley face and flirting!! Other kids were in the kitchen laughing also. She took the banana and started the drama about needing a drink, giggling, etc. I stopped the drama there. I told everyone to leave the kitchen but her. I told her she was going to eat it because she is just trying to get attention. She needed to stop flirting because he is her brother. She said,"I don't like him." Interesting, she knew exactly what I was referring too. She is obsessed with this type thing. She has definitely been into this boyfriend/girlfriend thing before coming to our house. How early does this start? She was finishing the second grade when she came here? It may be from TV shows they were allowed to watch before coming her also. I don't believe there is any abuse in their past. I guess I am going to have to talk to my son also. He needs to be very careful with her. He can't play with her like he does Morgan. Situations like this bring up the trust issues I have with her. I have always had a feeling of not totally trusting her. Maybe because she has told me about things she had done and lied about in her previous homes.

We saw a boy at a gas station yesterday that was on Morgan's soccer team. He is very needy and has some emotional issues. Of course, Morgan was very nice to him while on his team, unlike people that know him and his problems from school. It meant alot to him that Morgan was his friend. Well, he came over and spoke to Morgan. My heart breaks for him because I know his family isn't stable. Morgan was very polite and friendly. As soon as we pulled out, she said, "I think he likes Morgan." Ugh...can't you just be friends with boys and girls? Maybe my birth children are too sheltered regarding dating, but I think I like it that way!!

Missing glasses

Hannah went into the pool this week with her glasses on her face. She came out without them and couldn't find them. There are not many places they could be. She checked her swim bag and she and my husband went back inside and couldn't find them. I am trying really hard to believe that she truly lost them. My husband and I have been very calm and understanding about the loss.

Well, we went today to pick up the replacement pair of glasses. Since the eye doctor's office is about 25 minutes from our house, I made everyone that wears glasses go and get their glasses adjusted. With four in glasses, someone is always saying something needs tightening or adjusting on their glasses.

While she was sitting in my lap waiting for her turn, I told her that her glasses will look exactly like the ones that disappeared. If these disappear, we will not be as friendly about the loss and your glasses will still look the same. We will not purchase different glasses. (We have only had these since January. Ugh.) She said she didn't do anything with them. I reminded her that in the past at the foster home her glasses would disappear and she didn't know what happened to them. She said that then she knew what happened, but she doesn't now. So I paraphrased what she said to me by saying that she got rid of her glasses at the foster home so she could get new glasses. However, she always told the foster mother that she didn't know what happened to them. She made the choice to lie. She said yes, but she isn't lying this time. I looked at her and said, "How do I know?" It would have been so easy to throw them in the trash can at the pool. I don't know where else they could be. I hope I am wrong and they turn up somewhere. I really want to believe her, but this happened at least five times in about a year while she was in the foster home.

Did she think she would get special attention? Was she testing to see what would happen? Did she honestly lose the glasses?

Rough day, already...

Mondays are rarely easy around here. Hannah is having a rough day. I keep thinking about that saying, "There she blows." I keep waiting for that to happen. She isn't happy because her day isn't going well. My husband corrected her this morning before he left when she was playing the piano. Quarter notes and eighth notes don't get the same value. We struggle with fractions, so of course we also struggle with this concept. Next we started math and she couldn't remember how to count change which we spent Thursday and Friday on last week. She is not a happy camper at the moment. I hope she doesn't blow. I can see it in her eyes.

She struggles tremendously with making connections with math concepts. If you give her rules to follow she can get the right answer, but she doesn't understand the concept. It is very difficult for both of us on days like this. I hope I don't blow either.

We are starting an adoption support group in our town. APAC is hosting the meeting. The first meeting is tonight. I believe about 30 people have said they are attending. I am excited to see what is planned for tonight.

Changes...

I have been thinking about a lot of things the way our week has been going.

What things should I change and what things should I leave the same?

How could I handle the situations better so she isn't tempted to lie?

How do we handle things when she can't handle that the attention isn't on her all the time?
They are a part of this family and every one gets attention at different times. The adoption is final and they are the same as any other child in this family.

We have been working on Haylee's baby talk and Hannah started talking like a baby. Ugh!!

How do you handle a child that wants what they want when they want it, no matter what? She does whatever it takes to get her way or what she wants, without considering the effect on anyone else.

She is staring more and more at my husband and I. Is she trying to figure out how a Mommy and Daddy act? What is the deal? I seem to be catching her staring more and more in public. The other kids usually notice it before me and tell her to stop.

I feel like I am having to be on my toes all of the time again. I feel like we have backed way up again in the trust department.

This is exhausting...

Setting the bar

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I am struggling with what to post. Things are going pretty well. I truly believe the girls had a wonderful Christmas. We are still having issues, but they aren't as big as some of my other blogger friends, so I hate to post about them. They feel really big to us, but trivial to others.

I have been pondering lately what issues are truly disablilites with the girls and what things aren't. I have to teach them multiple times for them to understand things. However, they usually get it, eventually. We don't want to enable them because we want them to be all God has created them to be. We also don't want to hurt them by setting the bar too high. A friend told me that we set high standards for our kids. My husband and I have talked about it and we don't think we need to change anything. We realize it is harder for Haylee and Hannah to reach the goal sometimes, but most of the time, they reach it. The goals are often different for them. For example, they are third graders, but I have backed up to second grade work in some areas because it was just too hard for them. I want them to be and feel successful. We are praying and trying to find the best balance for the girls.

We are headed to my parents house today for a one night stay. A friend of mine is also taking her two girls and going with us. We are going to take the girls to the big mall and let them see the Christmas decorations before they are removed. All of my children love to eat in the food court, so we will probably have lunch there.

I am also very excited to have breakfast with a friend that I babysat for when her son was a baby. She would have me come play with him while she was home because I was young myself. Eventually, as we both got older, I babysat him alone. She was my number one babysitting job and I called her before I took any other jobs to see if she needed me. I am excited about visiting with her!

I will post pictures of Christmas soon!

Keeping it cool...

Hannah is struggling with no structure and the holidays. She has a very short temper and gets mad over anything. I am trying to stop the eruptions before they happen. We are hanging in there...

I stuggle not losing it with her also. I get frustrated with myself during these times because I don't like what I feel and think at times...

I know this sounds crazy, but it is almost a relief to read about other adopted older children that struggle around the holidays and with little structure. It is exhausting. I find myself listening to prepare for the next issue to arise.

Hannah did create a few movements to go with the song, "I Can Only Imagine" I think that is the name. It is a great song. I think eventually music will really help in healing.

I have enjoyed not having to teach the kids this week, but in some ways I am ready to start back. Tucker, Alex and Morgan love the break. Hannah and Haylee aren't quite sure what to do. I guess time will take care of that.

I offered to make cookies with them, no interest. I offered to make their Christmas tree ornaments, no interest. Tonight I will just say, "We are doing this now."

They are going to swim team in a few minutes so they will have some structure. My mother in law will be here tomorrow. I am sure she will do some fun things with them. The boys are going hunting with my husband and my father in law.

Early bedtime for one...

We have been really busy around here lately. The girls were all in a musical Friday night that was wonderful. They did so well!! I am a proud mama!! I cried part of the way through thinking about how far Hannah and Haylee have come in eight months. Wow, they have really changed.

Today hasn't been a good day for Hannah. I noticed yesterday she wasn't acting right. I kept trying to figure out what was going on. She kept saying she was fine. Today she has been testing boundaries.

The third strike was when she was putting things in the fire. Alex told her not to because Daddy had already explained why we don't put pine in the fire. She sarcastically yelled back that she knew, but... I don't even remember what the rest was. I went in to ask her why she said that and she said she didn't. She lied. Four of us heard her. We gave her a chance to talk through it and explain herself and she just sat there. Well, she went to be very early. She isn't happy, but my husband said enough is enough.

The first episode today wasn't terrible and we recovered quickly. The second episode was when she was being ugly to her sisters. By the third episode, I was done.

She appears to be struggling and has reverted some. She also asked to call her foster mom last night. We told her no. When she asked she used the voice we haven't heard in a long time. It was her manipulation voice. She also used fake manipulation tears last night. Neither works with us. Hopefully, a good nights rest will help.

Approval

I believe Hannah is doing whatever to get approval. She is getting herself in trouble multiple times a day due to this. I have prayed about what is going on and I feel like approval and acceptance is the root issue. She is hurting the feelings of others, acting like she is clueless when she isn't and driving me crazy with staring at me and making her fake face. I am really struggling with her right now. I am having to fight the feeling of wanting to avoid her. When she first came I had to make myself love on her. It got easier. Right now it is hard again. I hate feeling this way. I know it isn't right. I do love them and wouldn't trade them for anything. She even stares at me for approval when she says prayers at night. I have suspected and on occasion I have peeked and caught her staring at me. Tonight I stopped the prayers and reminded her that she is praying to God and she doesn't need my approval about what she is saying.

I took the girls to a Community Thanksgiving Service tonight at another church. A sweet friend of ours was telling the story of Esther from Esther's point of view. It was great and the girls said they enjoyed it also. However, one lady on the praise team looked like their birth mom. Not as thin in the face, but VERY similar. Hannah noticed it very quickly when the lady went on stage. Ugh! I wonder what issues this will cause tonight or tomorrow. I pray none.