Tonight, I blew it. I lost my temper and was ugly to Haylee. It has been a rough few days around here and lost it tonight. It was the final straw. I said some things I shouldn't have. I am not sure why it happened. I was upset at myself as soon as it happened. My husband is out of town tonight because he has a meeting tomorrow three hours away. We try to keep each other pretty calm. I called him as soon as the incident was over. He didn't say anything. I knew I was wrong and he knew it. I acted like a selfish child.
Thanks goodness Jesus has shed His blood for us and we are forgiven.
I climbed up in the bed with Haylee and asked for her forgiveness. We cuddled and talked for a long time. I told her that mommy's make mistakes just like kids and we have to ask for forgiveness. I told her that that isn't how a mommy should act. I said I am not proud of it at all. She said she forgave me. Something bad turned into something very precious that I won't ever forget. I don't think she will either. We had a very sweet bonding conversation. She opened up to me about things that happened with her birth parents and the aunt and uncle that she lived with. She told me again that the aunt and uncle were very rich. She told me about all of the toys that they used to get at Christmas. I reminded her that trust, love and commitment are more important than toys. I don't think she realized they made the choice not to keep them. She thought DHR wouldn't let them. I gently told her that they made the choice, not DHR.
I am sorry to say, but the way I acted probably brought back some not so good memories for her. It hurts to write these things, but I am being brutally honest. I am a sinner and make mistakes too often, unfortunately. However, I asked for forgiveness from God and then from Haylee. I believe that we must allow our children to see us make mistakes and show them the correct way to repent. I felt much better after I repented to God and Haylee and was forgiven. I also apologized to the other children because they did witness some of it.
I was able to share with Haylee a sign the DHR worker received on the way home from the staffing when they matched us with the girls. She was driving home and praying the God would give her a sign that she made the right choice for girls. She went around a curve and saw a billboard that said, "Dentist." Well, my husband is a dentist. She took that as a confirmation that she had done the right thing. Haylee told me she loves how God works things out. She is so joyful!!
I love my children so much!! I am so blessed!! I owe every bit of it to God!!
Tomorrow is a new day...
Showing posts with label bonding. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bonding. Show all posts
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Attachment
Thursday my dad was having a heart cath. As much as I wanted to be with my parents for the procedure, I have five children to take care of and my mom was with him. I had an uneasy feeling all day. My mom called and said the procedure went well and he had three stents. Well, the afternoon went on and she called again. He was having heart attack symptoms. He was rushed back to the lab, the doctor was still there, in between patients, thank you God. They were able to open up the blockage with a balloon and insert a fourth stent. My mother called after they took him back and I decided to quickly leave and drive the three hours to the hospital. They had the heart surgeon on standby if needed. Thank you Lord they didn't have to open him up. When I arrived he was stable and uncomfortable. By this morning, his color was good and the actually discharged him. Many prayer warriors were interceding for him in this time of need. I appreciate everyone of them. I am so glad God was not finished with him here on earth!!
Anyway, the reason for me to tell you this is about Hannah. I often wonder about the bond between the two of us. When I walked out in tears and told them we needed to stop and pray for my dad she got a fearful yet concerned look. We prayed and I was still trying to decide whether to go or stay. We had an Adoption Support Group party that night and I hated to miss it. Anyway, I made the decision to go and tearfully told them I was going and why. She immediately started crying and clung to me. I held her for a few minutes and told them the plans for the next hour until the party. I am sure she was afraid of another loss in her little life. I am so thankful that didn't occur. My dad is great with her. He is so patient and caring at times I am very short with her. All of my children adore their PawPaw. A dear friend of mine was at the party and she said she was "not herself" at the party. She behaved fine, but she could tell she wasn't at peace. So, after pondering the events in hindsight, some positive signs of attachment have/are occurring. I am always encouraged when either one of the girls run to me in a time of need whether it be sadness, injury, concern, etc. This is one of those times. I wouldn't want a replay of Thursday at all, but I am encouraged by Hannah's responses to the situation. It was a healthy response.
Haylee just rolled with the events. I think this must be how she has handled things in her past because, so far, she has shared very little about being hurt or upset. I believe her personality and ADHD has protected her from many things. She has only expressed tears and sadness over missing a half sister one time. She has never mentioned her birth parents. Hannah has cried for them a few times since she has been with us. I am sure Haylee will eventually share, but not yet.
I am encouraged that attachment is occurring. I pray God will continue the good work and progress will continue!
Anyway, the reason for me to tell you this is about Hannah. I often wonder about the bond between the two of us. When I walked out in tears and told them we needed to stop and pray for my dad she got a fearful yet concerned look. We prayed and I was still trying to decide whether to go or stay. We had an Adoption Support Group party that night and I hated to miss it. Anyway, I made the decision to go and tearfully told them I was going and why. She immediately started crying and clung to me. I held her for a few minutes and told them the plans for the next hour until the party. I am sure she was afraid of another loss in her little life. I am so thankful that didn't occur. My dad is great with her. He is so patient and caring at times I am very short with her. All of my children adore their PawPaw. A dear friend of mine was at the party and she said she was "not herself" at the party. She behaved fine, but she could tell she wasn't at peace. So, after pondering the events in hindsight, some positive signs of attachment have/are occurring. I am always encouraged when either one of the girls run to me in a time of need whether it be sadness, injury, concern, etc. This is one of those times. I wouldn't want a replay of Thursday at all, but I am encouraged by Hannah's responses to the situation. It was a healthy response.
Haylee just rolled with the events. I think this must be how she has handled things in her past because, so far, she has shared very little about being hurt or upset. I believe her personality and ADHD has protected her from many things. She has only expressed tears and sadness over missing a half sister one time. She has never mentioned her birth parents. Hannah has cried for them a few times since she has been with us. I am sure Haylee will eventually share, but not yet.
I am encouraged that attachment is occurring. I pray God will continue the good work and progress will continue!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Beach pictures...finally
The last day at the beach, we took a trip on a large catamaran. I have never been on one this large before. It was a lot of fun. The kids all enjoyed it. Of course, they thought it was really neat that we ate lunch on the boat. It was just sandwiches, but they were very excited. We were able to take out paddle boards and kayaks in the bay. That was a lot of fun. My husband took the twins out with him. As you can see, the boys went together and Morgan and I went. I didn't want to get in the water because you could see jelly fish and stingrays everywhere!!
As you can see, they had fun burying Hannah standing up in the sand. Haylee is loving it. However, I think Hannah loved the attention just as well.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Camp
Morgan had a wonderful time at camp!!! The transition for all of us was difficult today. The twins have been following around Alex at my parents lake house this weekend. He is tired of it I believe. Well, today they attached to Morgan again. This was hard for especially because she was so tired.
The girls would like to go to camp like Morgan. They aren't ready. They haven't attached nearly enough to even consider them spending a night away except with my parents or my in-laws. They still have nightmares. They aren't as regular, but we do have them, especially when we aren't at home. Hannah was afraid of all of the water rides. She watched as she stood and chewed on her fingers. We went the pool and she did play on the water slide. Haylee loved the little zip line and the diving board and water slide at the pool. Haylee kept wandering off from us as we were walking around. She would get so lost.
After they swam, they put on dry clothes and we went to the arcade. The girls have never played many video games, so they didn't know what to do. By this time, they were very overwhelmed. I could tell it was too much. We then went to the trampolines. They last there about 1 minute. All of our group went to get a soda and the kids began playing a game in a small area enclosed by a half wall. I was getting a drink and wasn't paying much attention. When I walked up, I heard a girl ask Hannah is she was going to play. Hannah said yes. She was standing there a scared look with her hands in her mouth. I think they were playing a type of dodge ball. Well, they started playing and the ball hit her about three times in the legs. She just stood there petrified. I told her to get out because she isn't playing. She argued and said she was. Whatever!! She got out and was mad at me.
Hannah would be absolutely miserable at camp. Haylee would probably stay in trouble for not paying attention and getting lost. We will have to try to explain the best we can why they aren't ready if any of our kids go next summer. I did tell all of them in the car today that decision whether anyone attends camp is based on each person as an individual, not as a group. Just because one person attends, doesn't mean everyone gets to go. I explained that everyone is different and Daddy and I have to evaluate each child abilities separately.
What a tough thing. I am sure it appears rough, but it is the way it has to be for us.
The girls would like to go to camp like Morgan. They aren't ready. They haven't attached nearly enough to even consider them spending a night away except with my parents or my in-laws. They still have nightmares. They aren't as regular, but we do have them, especially when we aren't at home. Hannah was afraid of all of the water rides. She watched as she stood and chewed on her fingers. We went the pool and she did play on the water slide. Haylee loved the little zip line and the diving board and water slide at the pool. Haylee kept wandering off from us as we were walking around. She would get so lost.
After they swam, they put on dry clothes and we went to the arcade. The girls have never played many video games, so they didn't know what to do. By this time, they were very overwhelmed. I could tell it was too much. We then went to the trampolines. They last there about 1 minute. All of our group went to get a soda and the kids began playing a game in a small area enclosed by a half wall. I was getting a drink and wasn't paying much attention. When I walked up, I heard a girl ask Hannah is she was going to play. Hannah said yes. She was standing there a scared look with her hands in her mouth. I think they were playing a type of dodge ball. Well, they started playing and the ball hit her about three times in the legs. She just stood there petrified. I told her to get out because she isn't playing. She argued and said she was. Whatever!! She got out and was mad at me.
Hannah would be absolutely miserable at camp. Haylee would probably stay in trouble for not paying attention and getting lost. We will have to try to explain the best we can why they aren't ready if any of our kids go next summer. I did tell all of them in the car today that decision whether anyone attends camp is based on each person as an individual, not as a group. Just because one person attends, doesn't mean everyone gets to go. I explained that everyone is different and Daddy and I have to evaluate each child abilities separately.
What a tough thing. I am sure it appears rough, but it is the way it has to be for us.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
What a day...
Testing is going on around here. Yes, our rules are still the same. No, we will not send you back. If you cheat in school, the same punishment applies. It has not been a fun day for one little princess today. It has been a hard week for both of us. It really makes me wonder what happened to the glasses.
It will be one year April 6th. I guess they are getting nervous. They told me today their Aunt which they lived with for 10 months told them they would adopt them, then "gave them back". I explained that we adopted them, which means they are never going back.
Hannah dreamed last night that we sent them back.
I have been reading "The Connected Child" this week. God knew I would need the info this week. I was able to handle today better, I think, because I had been reading this book. I have read most of the info before, but it is helpful for me to review and be reminded that my girls are different than my birth children. It has helped me to remember why they do some of the things they do. I has reminded me of what is behind some of there actions.
Morgan has a barium swallow tomorrow to check for any visible problems with her stomach and esophagus. She is still having stomach troubles. This started when we found out the girls were going to be placed with us. We have to leave way too early in the morning.
I actually cooked dinner Monday, Tuesday and Thursday this week. Amazing!! I think my family was shocked. They have been very appreciative.
Tucker is going camping again this weekend with the scouts. He is going to Ordeal with the scouts to become part of the Order of Arrow. He is excited. He said he likes being away from the girls and their noise. This makes me sad in some ways. Maybe this is normal for a 14 year old, even if he doesn't have three younger sisters.
It will be one year April 6th. I guess they are getting nervous. They told me today their Aunt which they lived with for 10 months told them they would adopt them, then "gave them back". I explained that we adopted them, which means they are never going back.
Hannah dreamed last night that we sent them back.
I have been reading "The Connected Child" this week. God knew I would need the info this week. I was able to handle today better, I think, because I had been reading this book. I have read most of the info before, but it is helpful for me to review and be reminded that my girls are different than my birth children. It has helped me to remember why they do some of the things they do. I has reminded me of what is behind some of there actions.
Morgan has a barium swallow tomorrow to check for any visible problems with her stomach and esophagus. She is still having stomach troubles. This started when we found out the girls were going to be placed with us. We have to leave way too early in the morning.
I actually cooked dinner Monday, Tuesday and Thursday this week. Amazing!! I think my family was shocked. They have been very appreciative.
Tucker is going camping again this weekend with the scouts. He is going to Ordeal with the scouts to become part of the Order of Arrow. He is excited. He said he likes being away from the girls and their noise. This makes me sad in some ways. Maybe this is normal for a 14 year old, even if he doesn't have three younger sisters.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Rocking along...
Everyone is doing pretty well. Hannah continues to get in trouble because she doesn't want to use her brain to think. She would prefer to use Haylee's. She does well when she exercises her brain. She also doesn't think before poor choices and often forgets that the world doesn't revolve around her. For example, I told her not to let the dog get a bug outside. She got the bug on a stick and gave it to the dog. Needless to say, I wasn't a happy mother and the rest of her afternoon and evening wasn't very fun. I am praying that the confidence she has in herself will continue to increase and she will overcome her struggles. Some days are better than others.
Haylee is doing pretty well in school. She does well most days. I am really starting to see confidence issues in her as well. Since she has really improved her "baby talk" I am able to see that she uses it when she isn't sure about herself. I can always tell when she is afraid to tell me something or not sure of an answer in school. I have been reminding them this week to speak boldly and with confidence even if you aren't sure. It is better to appear confident and be wrong than not confident and wrong. The other benefit is that when she speaks boldly she can't speak like a baby.
All in all, they are doing pretty well if you think of them as their maturity age of about 7, instead of a young nine year old. Morgan is definitely more mature than Haylee and Hannah.
Morgan's birthday party went well. Feeding the dog the bug happened the afternoon after the party. Hannah always seems to have issues when something big happens and it isn't about her. She is doing much better. She usually takes her punishment well. She doesn't voice her disagreement, but you can see it all over her face. I believe I did see some repentance this time when I discussed the issues with her later.
Haylee is doing pretty well in school. She does well most days. I am really starting to see confidence issues in her as well. Since she has really improved her "baby talk" I am able to see that she uses it when she isn't sure about herself. I can always tell when she is afraid to tell me something or not sure of an answer in school. I have been reminding them this week to speak boldly and with confidence even if you aren't sure. It is better to appear confident and be wrong than not confident and wrong. The other benefit is that when she speaks boldly she can't speak like a baby.
All in all, they are doing pretty well if you think of them as their maturity age of about 7, instead of a young nine year old. Morgan is definitely more mature than Haylee and Hannah.
Morgan's birthday party went well. Feeding the dog the bug happened the afternoon after the party. Hannah always seems to have issues when something big happens and it isn't about her. She is doing much better. She usually takes her punishment well. She doesn't voice her disagreement, but you can see it all over her face. I believe I did see some repentance this time when I discussed the issues with her later.
Monday, November 29, 2010
What a treat...
The girls and I worked diligently for a long time practicing the motions they are doing in two songs in our homeschool Christmas musical in a few weeks. Everyone was tired afterwards and had some quiet time. I let them end the quiet time early and we had hot chocolate with whip cream and homemade Christmas cookies which they helped make the day before!! Wow, at that moment, I was the best Mom in the world!!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Remember...
Today, in the busyness of it all, I was reminded of the life my girls have in their past. They started talking about their birth parents and things that happened in their past. They said they thought they could trust them, but really they shouldn't have. Haylee said, "But they were our parents and we thought we could." It just broke my heart!!! I try really hard to never say anything negative about their birth parents. They remember them very well. I mean they came to us at eight years old, of course they remember. The stories they tell!! The lies they were told by their parents. It is so heartbreaking!!
We had a really tough day homeschooling, so I believe this was God's gentle reminder to me of the trauma my girls have been through and that it will take time to heal all of their hurts and wounds. Eventhough sometimes I expect them to be like my birth children, they aren't. They have come so far in only 7 months. Well, in three days it will be seven months. I look back at where this journey started and I am truly amazed at the work God has done!!
They are behind academically, but they are slowly catching up. I think they have the ability, they have been taught to think for themselves. Believe me, they aren't enabled in around here. They told me when they were in school they didn't have to rework their mistakes, the teacher did them on the board. I told her that with me homeschooling them, they will rework their mistakes so that I know they understand the concept. She was of course not happy because she was preparing to rework her math, as she does everyday. We work and work until we get it. My husband worked with Hannah when he got home tonight with fractions. Hopefully this time she got it and it will stick. If not, I will teach it again tomorrow.
My husband and I went to dinner with friends tonight. It was nice to relax and eat without children and hundreds of comments and questions. The waitress couldn't believe that we had nine children between the two couples. It was pretty funny.
We had a really tough day homeschooling, so I believe this was God's gentle reminder to me of the trauma my girls have been through and that it will take time to heal all of their hurts and wounds. Eventhough sometimes I expect them to be like my birth children, they aren't. They have come so far in only 7 months. Well, in three days it will be seven months. I look back at where this journey started and I am truly amazed at the work God has done!!
They are behind academically, but they are slowly catching up. I think they have the ability, they have been taught to think for themselves. Believe me, they aren't enabled in around here. They told me when they were in school they didn't have to rework their mistakes, the teacher did them on the board. I told her that with me homeschooling them, they will rework their mistakes so that I know they understand the concept. She was of course not happy because she was preparing to rework her math, as she does everyday. We work and work until we get it. My husband worked with Hannah when he got home tonight with fractions. Hopefully this time she got it and it will stick. If not, I will teach it again tomorrow.
My husband and I went to dinner with friends tonight. It was nice to relax and eat without children and hundreds of comments and questions. The waitress couldn't believe that we had nine children between the two couples. It was pretty funny.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Wonderful Weekend!
We had a great weekend celebrating the girls ninth birthday! We had a 30 foot waterslide in our front yard from lunch Friday until 8 pm Saturday night. They had a blast!! By the time the party was here, the girls were getting tired of the slide. I gently reminded them all of those kids are here to play with them. They went and continued to play. They were beyond excited with all of the many presents they were blessed with by our wonderful friends. There were about 30 kids here for the party. Of course, with a slide that big, we let all of the siblings participate also. I believe our oldest child was 16 and the youngest was 3 on the slide. I went down one time when we had an injured child at the top that wouldn't come down. It was fast and fun coming down.
The girls were exhausted by Saturday night, but they hung in there. Beth started getting a little short and snappy with me, but we got through it until bed time. She put a cute bracelet around her ankle after the party. We told her that we didn't wear things tied around our ankles, even bracelets, and she needed to take it off. Se proceeded to tell me that she couldn't and it was meant to stay on her ankle. I asked her why she put it on then and she said that she wanted it there and it was meant to stay and she had done it before. I told her very quickly that she would just have to cut it off then and that she is a ***(our last name) now and that we don't do that. Amazing, after I put my foot down, she was able to untie it. (One of my husbands pet peeves is people wearing bracelets around their ankles.) It is really cute for her WRIST so I am glad she was able to get it untied. She did get past it and move on.
The girls had Happy Birthday sang to them at church today. They seemed to really like that.
All in all, it was a great weekend. Ann melted this afternoon because she couldn't make a bracelet. Ann has made a new best friend. It is a sweet little girl that I would call my own. I am happy for her. She was making her a friendship bracelet tonight. The little girls Mom and I are good friends. (She is probably reading this also.) Our only concern is that they both are totally in la-la land sometimes. They have a great time playing together, but they are clueless to anything going on around them. They sit together in church and dance during praise and worship together. I knew she would be the first to make a friend.
I doesn't come easy for Beth at all. She was dancing in church with her new doll today and it was very sweet. Morgan was dancing with her best friend and Ann with hers. Beth appeared totally happy with her doll.
My mother gave them both Amer*ican Girl dolls for their birthday. A friend gave them Madam*e Alex*ander dolls. They absolutely love all of them!! I am so happy they are happy!!
I am so thankful that God is healing their little hearts. I think they are healing a little everyday. This is a hard time for them with their birthdays and the adoption becoming final. Please pray for them over the next week two weeks.
The girls were exhausted by Saturday night, but they hung in there. Beth started getting a little short and snappy with me, but we got through it until bed time. She put a cute bracelet around her ankle after the party. We told her that we didn't wear things tied around our ankles, even bracelets, and she needed to take it off. Se proceeded to tell me that she couldn't and it was meant to stay on her ankle. I asked her why she put it on then and she said that she wanted it there and it was meant to stay and she had done it before. I told her very quickly that she would just have to cut it off then and that she is a ***(our last name) now and that we don't do that. Amazing, after I put my foot down, she was able to untie it. (One of my husbands pet peeves is people wearing bracelets around their ankles.) It is really cute for her WRIST so I am glad she was able to get it untied. She did get past it and move on.
The girls had Happy Birthday sang to them at church today. They seemed to really like that.
All in all, it was a great weekend. Ann melted this afternoon because she couldn't make a bracelet. Ann has made a new best friend. It is a sweet little girl that I would call my own. I am happy for her. She was making her a friendship bracelet tonight. The little girls Mom and I are good friends. (She is probably reading this also.) Our only concern is that they both are totally in la-la land sometimes. They have a great time playing together, but they are clueless to anything going on around them. They sit together in church and dance during praise and worship together. I knew she would be the first to make a friend.
I doesn't come easy for Beth at all. She was dancing in church with her new doll today and it was very sweet. Morgan was dancing with her best friend and Ann with hers. Beth appeared totally happy with her doll.
My mother gave them both Amer*ican Girl dolls for their birthday. A friend gave them Madam*e Alex*ander dolls. They absolutely love all of them!! I am so happy they are happy!!
I am so thankful that God is healing their little hearts. I think they are healing a little everyday. This is a hard time for them with their birthdays and the adoption becoming final. Please pray for them over the next week two weeks.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Control?
Why does a child insist on happily wearing jeans when it is 95 degrees outside and they are burning up?
Why does a child insist on wearing shorts and a tank top when it is chilly outside?
She is outside picking up pine cones in a tank top and shorts.
Is this control? I am not making a big deal about it with her. She has been to the soccer field this week in shorts, short sleeve shirt and flip flops when it is freezing to me. She does take a light jacket. I don't want her to get sick, but she loves to get the attention. We are trying not to give it to her. Eventually, I will have to put the clothes in the attic for her health.
I think she is testing, trying to find out what she can control.
All of you experienced readers with neglected children, what do you think?
Why does a child insist on wearing shorts and a tank top when it is chilly outside?
She is outside picking up pine cones in a tank top and shorts.
Is this control? I am not making a big deal about it with her. She has been to the soccer field this week in shorts, short sleeve shirt and flip flops when it is freezing to me. She does take a light jacket. I don't want her to get sick, but she loves to get the attention. We are trying not to give it to her. Eventually, I will have to put the clothes in the attic for her health.
I think she is testing, trying to find out what she can control.
All of you experienced readers with neglected children, what do you think?
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Okay day today...
No court date yet...miscommunication again. We must have the post placement visit before the hearing. Our new social worker, lovely, a new one at the end of this process, is coming tomorrow to do the post placement visit. I hope we have the procedures clear now.
Ann took forever to do her school work. The girls loves to color!!! It prevented her from finishing her other work. She did finish after her music class today, before we went to the soccer field.
Beth doesn't understand the value of things. She spent her only dollar, a gold coin given to her as a gift, for a candy bar at the field tonight. I told her if she bought something she could only have one piece because it was so late. She returns with a large candy bar which she was able to take one bite of and then put away. So she paid way too much for the candy, only got one bite, and spent her gold coin. How do we teach her the value of things?
Ann took forever to do her school work. The girls loves to color!!! It prevented her from finishing her other work. She did finish after her music class today, before we went to the soccer field.
Beth doesn't understand the value of things. She spent her only dollar, a gold coin given to her as a gift, for a candy bar at the field tonight. I told her if she bought something she could only have one piece because it was so late. She returns with a large candy bar which she was able to take one bite of and then put away. So she paid way too much for the candy, only got one bite, and spent her gold coin. How do we teach her the value of things?
Monday, October 4, 2010
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I have always loved this verse. I have played it over and over in my mind thousands of times since we brought the girls home.
Our days aren't always easy or peaceful. I often don't have time to stop and think. I get really tired and grumpy sometimes. I get very selfish some days. I can make many reasons and excuses for my issues. But really all that matters is that I do my best for God.
God has always known the plan for my life. It is for my good, not to harm me. Even on the bad days, God has given me hope and a future. He is in control of everything. He knows every mistake I will make each day. He knows when I repent and when I don't. HE KNOWS MY HEART!!
Each time he calls us to change, or a different season, it is for His glory and our good. It may not seem that way when we are going through it, but He knows the big picture. He knows the result. I have been through seasons, whether days or months, where I can't seem to find the good things. We often get stuck on all of the negative and forget about all of the things we have.
God knows the plan for our life. They are for good, not to harm us. They are plans to give us a hope and a future.
We know God called us to adoption. It would have been easier to make excuses about why we couldn't adopt. I can still name many reasons. However, we chose to focus on the reasons we could adopt. We chose to think of how God had prepared us for adoption.
About 1 1/2 years after having Morgan, I was having female problems. The doctor told me the only way to help was to have a hysterectomy. My husband and I had been praying about whether to have more children. We decided this was the answer to our prayer. I was relieved to have a way to relieve the pain I was having, but sad that I wouldn't have anymore birth children. I had the surgery. A couple years later, I really wanted more children. God gave my husband and I both the strong call to adoption. Years after surgery, we have five, instead of three, beautiful children. God knew the plans he had for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us...
We had always dreamed of building our own house. We were sad when we weren't able to build the house we wanted. We ended up purchasing and renovating the one we have. This house is ideal for adoption. The bedrooms are much larger than we would have built. Perfect for adding children to our family. We were sad and discouraged when we made the decision not to build. However, this house is perfect for His plan for our family. God knew the plan for us...
I am sure Ann and Beth have questioned things that have happened in their life in such a short 8 1/2 years. They continue to question and try to understand the best they can. As they grow older and begin puberty the questions will change and continue. I remind them when they ask that God knew them in their mother's womb. He knew the plan for each of their lives. He designed them perfectly. He knew they would be my girls one day. He designed them to look just like my family. (I can't wait to show you our family pictures. They look so much like our family.) He knew the plans for their life, plans to prosper and not to harm them, plans to give them hope and a future.
Wow, just writing this now makes me feel so selfish. My children have had days where they had no idea what was in their future. Would they ever have a forever home? Would they ever have a forever Mom and Dad that would love them unconditionally? Would they ever be able to trust anyone again? So many worries for such sweet little girls. No wonder they have problems. They are such sweet girls. We are so blessed to have them in our lives. I have learned so much from their little lives already. God uses the trials to teach me something every time.
I have always loved this verse. I have played it over and over in my mind thousands of times since we brought the girls home.
Our days aren't always easy or peaceful. I often don't have time to stop and think. I get really tired and grumpy sometimes. I get very selfish some days. I can make many reasons and excuses for my issues. But really all that matters is that I do my best for God.
God has always known the plan for my life. It is for my good, not to harm me. Even on the bad days, God has given me hope and a future. He is in control of everything. He knows every mistake I will make each day. He knows when I repent and when I don't. HE KNOWS MY HEART!!
Each time he calls us to change, or a different season, it is for His glory and our good. It may not seem that way when we are going through it, but He knows the big picture. He knows the result. I have been through seasons, whether days or months, where I can't seem to find the good things. We often get stuck on all of the negative and forget about all of the things we have.
God knows the plan for our life. They are for good, not to harm us. They are plans to give us a hope and a future.
We know God called us to adoption. It would have been easier to make excuses about why we couldn't adopt. I can still name many reasons. However, we chose to focus on the reasons we could adopt. We chose to think of how God had prepared us for adoption.
About 1 1/2 years after having Morgan, I was having female problems. The doctor told me the only way to help was to have a hysterectomy. My husband and I had been praying about whether to have more children. We decided this was the answer to our prayer. I was relieved to have a way to relieve the pain I was having, but sad that I wouldn't have anymore birth children. I had the surgery. A couple years later, I really wanted more children. God gave my husband and I both the strong call to adoption. Years after surgery, we have five, instead of three, beautiful children. God knew the plans he had for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us...
We had always dreamed of building our own house. We were sad when we weren't able to build the house we wanted. We ended up purchasing and renovating the one we have. This house is ideal for adoption. The bedrooms are much larger than we would have built. Perfect for adding children to our family. We were sad and discouraged when we made the decision not to build. However, this house is perfect for His plan for our family. God knew the plan for us...
I am sure Ann and Beth have questioned things that have happened in their life in such a short 8 1/2 years. They continue to question and try to understand the best they can. As they grow older and begin puberty the questions will change and continue. I remind them when they ask that God knew them in their mother's womb. He knew the plan for each of their lives. He designed them perfectly. He knew they would be my girls one day. He designed them to look just like my family. (I can't wait to show you our family pictures. They look so much like our family.) He knew the plans for their life, plans to prosper and not to harm them, plans to give them hope and a future.
Wow, just writing this now makes me feel so selfish. My children have had days where they had no idea what was in their future. Would they ever have a forever home? Would they ever have a forever Mom and Dad that would love them unconditionally? Would they ever be able to trust anyone again? So many worries for such sweet little girls. No wonder they have problems. They are such sweet girls. We are so blessed to have them in our lives. I have learned so much from their little lives already. God uses the trials to teach me something every time.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Movie Night
The boys are camping this weekend, weekend so the girls, my husband and I are all about to watch a movie. The girls are very excited. The simple pleasures in life.
They decided to have a ballet theme for their birthday party. I have ordered all of the matching plates, blowers, pinatas, ballooons, etc for their party. We usually don't purchase all of this, but we are for them this time. They are VERY excited.
Ann's meds aren't working. She was very moody and emotional today. She wasn't finished with her school work at 4:30. She couldn't read clock time. She could this morning. I told her to finish it tomorrow morning. I thought we had mastered that skill. Hopefully, in the morning she will be able to do it.
I am being paged...
They decided to have a ballet theme for their birthday party. I have ordered all of the matching plates, blowers, pinatas, ballooons, etc for their party. We usually don't purchase all of this, but we are for them this time. They are VERY excited.
Ann's meds aren't working. She was very moody and emotional today. She wasn't finished with her school work at 4:30. She couldn't read clock time. She could this morning. I told her to finish it tomorrow morning. I thought we had mastered that skill. Hopefully, in the morning she will be able to do it.
I am being paged...
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Questions
Last night as I helped Ann and Beth pack for our Disney trip, they began asking questions. Questions like, will we be able to see our BM and BD again?, Why can't we go see them?, Why can't they know where we are?, Why can't Aunt *** and Uncle *** know where we are?, They told us we were going to live with them forever. They also told me about another person that said they were going to adopt them and didn't. These questions break my heart. They wanted to know why their birth parents couldn't keep them. Why did they want alcohol instead of them? They told me about finding a lot of alcohol in the kitchen closet. The alcohol scares them. They were surprised they never hurt them when they were drunk. I told them I was very thankful that they hadn't. Beth wants see them again. I told them about the time they graduate from high school they could find their parents if they wanted. They asked if they could write them a letter. Beth wanted to tell them to follow Jesus and to stop drinking. They said if they have pictures of Jesus in their house and a Bible why do they still drink? I answered the questions the best I could. When we started the adoption process, we never imagined adopting eight year olds. I always pictured younger kids. These girls remember their past, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It breaks my heart. They miss their friends from their old school. They want to invite them to their birthday party. Ann has received letters back from her friend, but not Beth. It is sad for her.
We are trying to show them the love of Jesus. I pray that God will help me love them as He loves us. I have to say, it is getting easier. This may sound crazy, but Ann testing has helped improve my relationship with Beth. I think it is because she sees the same rules apply to all of the kids. I am very proud of how far my girls have come in five months. They are really doing well considering their past. I believe God is healing their hearts and minds. I believe it will take a long time. We will get there only by following God.
I am praying for guidance regarding the treatment of Ann's ADD this week. I want the path to very clear.
We are trying to show them the love of Jesus. I pray that God will help me love them as He loves us. I have to say, it is getting easier. This may sound crazy, but Ann testing has helped improve my relationship with Beth. I think it is because she sees the same rules apply to all of the kids. I am very proud of how far my girls have come in five months. They are really doing well considering their past. I believe God is healing their hearts and minds. I believe it will take a long time. We will get there only by following God.
I am praying for guidance regarding the treatment of Ann's ADD this week. I want the path to very clear.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Things
We have been pretty busy around here. We went to my parent's lake house for two days. Everyone did great. We have a lot of baby talk going on, but gentle reminders and they would be back to their normal voices. I think this must happen when they get insecure or are experiencing something new. I wonder if it is when they are processing and learning things as a younger child. No person argued about wearing life jackets to the pier or boat house, they just wore them. Yea!! We were very happy! The girls rode the tube behind the boat for a long time. The fear is gone. We were talking about how far they have come. Beth was terrified the first time she went behind the boat. This time she was standing on the tube...amazing!! She even fell off and cried a minute and got back on and continued riding. God is so good!!
Morgan's best friend was baptized this morning. What a precious memory!!
The men in the church prayed over all of the single females in the church. They prayed for their husbands and that they would be equally yoked with them. They prayed the girls would be patient and wait on the man God has planned for them. Don't make it happen. It was great!! I am not sure our girls totally understood, but they received it on their level. I wish I had understood this many years ago.
I often feel led to hold them and pray over them as I sing and worship our Lord. It is an amazing time of bonding, healing and being filled each time it happens. I believe God can heal my girls. I believe he is greater than any diagnosis. We serve an amazing God!!
I believe our Consent to Adopt papers are in the mail. Hopefully they will be in our hands this week. If so, I can get them to the attorney and get a court date. I can't wait!!
Morgan's best friend was baptized this morning. What a precious memory!!
The men in the church prayed over all of the single females in the church. They prayed for their husbands and that they would be equally yoked with them. They prayed the girls would be patient and wait on the man God has planned for them. Don't make it happen. It was great!! I am not sure our girls totally understood, but they received it on their level. I wish I had understood this many years ago.
I often feel led to hold them and pray over them as I sing and worship our Lord. It is an amazing time of bonding, healing and being filled each time it happens. I believe God can heal my girls. I believe he is greater than any diagnosis. We serve an amazing God!!
I believe our Consent to Adopt papers are in the mail. Hopefully they will be in our hands this week. If so, I can get them to the attorney and get a court date. I can't wait!!
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Maturity
Okay...the struggle for the weekend is this...
Beth and Ann, in my opinion, aren't as mature and responsible as an average almost nine year old. Morgan is only nine months older than them but is more responsible and trustworthy. Her decisions do not revolve around what everyone else is doing. She knows the difference between right and wrong and usually makes good choices. Yes, she does make poor choices at times. However, she understands consequences for her actions. I am not sure Beth does. Whatever Morgan does they want to do.
Well, they didn't get to spend the night out last night. Morgan did spend the night away. I didn't hesitate one bit allowing her. Morgan wants to go to camp next summer. She probably won't, but we will consider it. I have already told the girls they will not be going. The girls think whatever she does, they automatically get to do. Well, no. Morgan would do great at an overnight camp. There is no way they are going anywhere overnight without my husband or me.
Morgan was allowed to go in the woods with Alex and a friend today. She is able to get up and down the hill by herself. She needs very little assistance in the woods. Beth asked to go. The answer was no again. We tried that one time and it wasn't a good thing. So, she gets mad and gets in the bed and cries. My husband told her she could choose how to spend her day, in the bed or playing, her choice. I am sorry, but everyone doesn't get to do everything around here.
Beth isn't having a good day. She got in trouble for leaving the door open again. Our power bill was over $500 this month. Ugh!! My husband took everyone swimming. The last time they went swimming she left her new competition goggles somewhere where Reesie, our dog, got them and was chewing them up. They each have a swim bag on a hook in the mud room to put their swim items in. I took them from the dog and put them away. Today she wanted them back. I made her explain why she didn't have them. If the dog has them again she will lose them again. She wasn't a happy camper when she left. I am sure she is sick of me correcting her today. She definately does better during the school week with very strict structure.
I have learned that children which are affected like my girls don't mature at the same pace as children with non alcohol affected brains. My girls just don't act almost nine. I am sure being in the foster system doesn't help either. How do I explain this to them? How do I explain I have to totally trust before they spend the night away? Will they ever get the same opportunities as Morgan? I have to accept that they may not. Children with these issues often take longer to mature and some continue to struggle with cause and effect problems. We shall see....
This calling by God is so exhausting...
Beth and Ann, in my opinion, aren't as mature and responsible as an average almost nine year old. Morgan is only nine months older than them but is more responsible and trustworthy. Her decisions do not revolve around what everyone else is doing. She knows the difference between right and wrong and usually makes good choices. Yes, she does make poor choices at times. However, she understands consequences for her actions. I am not sure Beth does. Whatever Morgan does they want to do.
Well, they didn't get to spend the night out last night. Morgan did spend the night away. I didn't hesitate one bit allowing her. Morgan wants to go to camp next summer. She probably won't, but we will consider it. I have already told the girls they will not be going. The girls think whatever she does, they automatically get to do. Well, no. Morgan would do great at an overnight camp. There is no way they are going anywhere overnight without my husband or me.
Morgan was allowed to go in the woods with Alex and a friend today. She is able to get up and down the hill by herself. She needs very little assistance in the woods. Beth asked to go. The answer was no again. We tried that one time and it wasn't a good thing. So, she gets mad and gets in the bed and cries. My husband told her she could choose how to spend her day, in the bed or playing, her choice. I am sorry, but everyone doesn't get to do everything around here.
Beth isn't having a good day. She got in trouble for leaving the door open again. Our power bill was over $500 this month. Ugh!! My husband took everyone swimming. The last time they went swimming she left her new competition goggles somewhere where Reesie, our dog, got them and was chewing them up. They each have a swim bag on a hook in the mud room to put their swim items in. I took them from the dog and put them away. Today she wanted them back. I made her explain why she didn't have them. If the dog has them again she will lose them again. She wasn't a happy camper when she left. I am sure she is sick of me correcting her today. She definately does better during the school week with very strict structure.
I have learned that children which are affected like my girls don't mature at the same pace as children with non alcohol affected brains. My girls just don't act almost nine. I am sure being in the foster system doesn't help either. How do I explain this to them? How do I explain I have to totally trust before they spend the night away? Will they ever get the same opportunities as Morgan? I have to accept that they may not. Children with these issues often take longer to mature and some continue to struggle with cause and effect problems. We shall see....
This calling by God is so exhausting...
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Precious moments!
My girls are in their room taking turns reading the Bible. From what I can tell, they are reading in Genesis. We are also studying that in history. What sweet moments!
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Swim Meet
We have had a great, but hot two days at the state swim meet. All of the kids participating did well in their events and made personal best times. My parents came to cheer everyone on. Beth and Ann enjoyed the time with their grandparents. They so desire love and attention. My parents come ready to give because they aren't with them all the time like us. They don't hear the same thing over and over all the time. They have a lot more patience and endurance when we do. This morning they wanted to ride with my parents to the meet. (We had to travel about 1 1/2 hours to the pool.) Beth and Ann rode with them and Tucker, Alex, Morgan rode with my husband and me. It was weird, but a nice break. Well, it was nice after I regained my composure after backing into my parents van. They will now be getting their van repaired and I will be getting a new bumper. This was on the driver's side and the passenger side was already scratched up from a car hitting us in a shopping mall parking lot and not bothering to leave a note with their name. Anyway, I guess now I will get a new bumper. Not a good way to start the day. My father was great about it. He just hugged me as I cried. I was so mad at myself. We usually back into that spot to turn around in the driveway and I forgot his van was there.
At least nobody was in the car and of course there were no injuries.
The twins were great at the meet. They didn't swim, but the made it through the heat without to much complaining. They are slowly adjusting to our ways of doing things, I think.
Ann keeps calling Morgan mom. She always says they are playing when I ask about it. I have told them to not call her mom because I am their mom. Is that bad that I made that request? I want them to rely on me and not her. I guess this could show me how superficial the term mom is to them. What do you think?
At least nobody was in the car and of course there were no injuries.
The twins were great at the meet. They didn't swim, but the made it through the heat without to much complaining. They are slowly adjusting to our ways of doing things, I think.
Ann keeps calling Morgan mom. She always says they are playing when I ask about it. I have told them to not call her mom because I am their mom. Is that bad that I made that request? I want them to rely on me and not her. I guess this could show me how superficial the term mom is to them. What do you think?
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Three truths...
One of my cyber friends asked about what truths I claim from scripture when I am struggling with my girls. I prayed about this for a few days before I posted. I really needed to renew my focus on what God told me about this adoption.
1. The scripture I claim the most often is Jeremiah 29:11. It reads, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." God is in control of my family. I am trusting you to protect my birth children by guiding me through this process.
2. Before we received the girls, I was praying one morning about adoption. I was reading Psalm 139. I read the following verses:
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
When I read those verses that morning, I felt God telling me that He knew me in my mother's womb. He knew at that time that I would be called to adoption and obey. I was born very premature and the doctors weren't sure I would even live. If I did, they weren't sure I would walk or talk. I believe one reason He saved me was so that I could help some children heal from abuse and neglect through adoption. I could give them a better home and life. Most importantly, I could share Jesus with them. I could show them Jesus in me. This is my job, though it isn't an easy one at times.
3. God showed me more about these verses as we learned about our girls. We had been waiting and waiting for a placement. We thought we wanted younger children in a sibling group. We knew we wanted younger than Morgan.
I was teaching Morgan math one morning when the phone rang. It was our social worker. She told us they had selected us for a set of twin girls that are eight years old. Talk about overwhelming. I had prayed and prayed, but it really happening was very exciting and scary. Then she told me their names. I was almost speechless. Their names are the names Morgan has called her twin baby dolls. I had chills and told the kids and the social worker what God had done. How could I say no? We talked a little more and I asked if she had a picture. She said she would contact their worker and see if she had one. I called one of my dear friends that has walked this entire journey with us and told her about the call and the names. I told her I would really be amazed if the worker called me and said they are tiny and blonde. Morgan is small and I really was hoping they would be smaller than her. About that time the phone beeps and it is my worker. I switch over to talk with her and she tells me that she is having a picture sent, but to tell me they are tiny and blonde. Wow!! Only God could do this!!! I knew these girls were meant for us. How could anyone not see that!! I received the red flag I always want when we are praying for something so big. God is so faithful!! So, God revealed to me again through the same scripture that he knew these girls in their mother's womb. He knit them together. He knew they would be in our family. He knew they would look like our family. We have taken them even if they weren't tiny and blonde. However, what a cool thing that they look like our family. They all three have the same color hair right now because of the sun and chlorine.
On my harder days, I remind myself of this story. God planned for these girls to be in my home. I have no doubt they are suppose to be my girls. He knew they would have undiagnosed issues. He knew I would advocate and fight for them. I have pleaded their case to the highest person available. They are precious in His sight and in mine.
We will continue this journey with God. We know God has called us and we have followed. There are many joys as well as heartache in this journey. I wouldn't change it for the world. I can't imagine life without my girls anymore. Thank you God for blessing me with my girls!
1. The scripture I claim the most often is Jeremiah 29:11. It reads, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." God is in control of my family. I am trusting you to protect my birth children by guiding me through this process.
2. Before we received the girls, I was praying one morning about adoption. I was reading Psalm 139. I read the following verses:
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
When I read those verses that morning, I felt God telling me that He knew me in my mother's womb. He knew at that time that I would be called to adoption and obey. I was born very premature and the doctors weren't sure I would even live. If I did, they weren't sure I would walk or talk. I believe one reason He saved me was so that I could help some children heal from abuse and neglect through adoption. I could give them a better home and life. Most importantly, I could share Jesus with them. I could show them Jesus in me. This is my job, though it isn't an easy one at times.
3. God showed me more about these verses as we learned about our girls. We had been waiting and waiting for a placement. We thought we wanted younger children in a sibling group. We knew we wanted younger than Morgan.
I was teaching Morgan math one morning when the phone rang. It was our social worker. She told us they had selected us for a set of twin girls that are eight years old. Talk about overwhelming. I had prayed and prayed, but it really happening was very exciting and scary. Then she told me their names. I was almost speechless. Their names are the names Morgan has called her twin baby dolls. I had chills and told the kids and the social worker what God had done. How could I say no? We talked a little more and I asked if she had a picture. She said she would contact their worker and see if she had one. I called one of my dear friends that has walked this entire journey with us and told her about the call and the names. I told her I would really be amazed if the worker called me and said they are tiny and blonde. Morgan is small and I really was hoping they would be smaller than her. About that time the phone beeps and it is my worker. I switch over to talk with her and she tells me that she is having a picture sent, but to tell me they are tiny and blonde. Wow!! Only God could do this!!! I knew these girls were meant for us. How could anyone not see that!! I received the red flag I always want when we are praying for something so big. God is so faithful!! So, God revealed to me again through the same scripture that he knew these girls in their mother's womb. He knit them together. He knew they would be in our family. He knew they would look like our family. We have taken them even if they weren't tiny and blonde. However, what a cool thing that they look like our family. They all three have the same color hair right now because of the sun and chlorine.
On my harder days, I remind myself of this story. God planned for these girls to be in my home. I have no doubt they are suppose to be my girls. He knew they would have undiagnosed issues. He knew I would advocate and fight for them. I have pleaded their case to the highest person available. They are precious in His sight and in mine.
We will continue this journey with God. We know God has called us and we have followed. There are many joys as well as heartache in this journey. I wouldn't change it for the world. I can't imagine life without my girls anymore. Thank you God for blessing me with my girls!
Monday, July 26, 2010
Tired.
I am tired. I am ill. I am tired of the girls yelling at each other for nothing. I am tired of having to be on my toes all the time. My husband can just choose to ignore. Should I do more of that? I am afraid if I ignore things, they will build to even bigger things. Should I get them in routine counseling? I am afraid another layer is coming off. I can see it in Beth's eyes. She is changing. I can almost see the anger building behind her eyes. Beth and Ann are yelling at each other more and more. Morgan is very emotional today. Beth and Ann are mad because Morgan was invited to go to an alumni dinner for one of our major universities tonight. Morgan is very excited because the mascot will be there. Beth is very jealous, which usually causes problems. It has been Ann as much as Beth today. I have sent the girls to their beds for thirty minutes. We are going to start school in some form or fashion next week. We need some structure around here.
We had a lesson on giving for selfish, manipulative reasons and expecting something in return. I tried to explain that you give from your heart expecting nothing in return. I am so tired. I am struggling today.
We had a lesson on giving for selfish, manipulative reasons and expecting something in return. I tried to explain that you give from your heart expecting nothing in return. I am so tired. I am struggling today.
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