I really blew it...

Tonight, I blew it.  I lost my temper and was ugly to Haylee.  It has been a rough few days around here and lost it tonight.  It was the final straw.  I said some things I shouldn't have.  I am not sure why it happened.  I was upset at myself as soon as it happened.  My husband is out of town tonight because he has a meeting tomorrow three hours away.  We try to keep each other pretty calm.  I called him as soon as the incident was over.  He didn't say anything.  I knew I was wrong and he knew it.  I acted like a selfish child. 

Thanks goodness Jesus has shed His blood for us and we are forgiven.

  I climbed up in the bed with Haylee and asked for her forgiveness.  We cuddled and talked for a long time.  I told her that mommy's make mistakes just like kids and we have to ask for forgiveness.  I told her that that isn't how a mommy should act.  I said I am not proud of it at all.  She said she forgave me.  Something bad turned into something very precious that I won't ever forget.  I don't think she will either.  We had a very sweet bonding conversation.  She opened up to me about things that happened with her birth parents and the aunt and uncle that she lived with.  She told me again that the aunt and uncle were very rich.  She told me about all of the toys that they used to get at Christmas.  I reminded her that trust, love and commitment are more important than toys.  I don't think she realized they made the choice not to keep them.  She thought DHR wouldn't let them.  I gently told her that they made the choice, not DHR.

I am sorry to say, but the way I acted probably brought back some not so good memories for her. It hurts to write these things, but I am being brutally honest. I am a sinner and make mistakes too often, unfortunately. However, I asked for forgiveness from God and then from Haylee. I believe that we must allow our children to see us make mistakes and show them the correct way to repent. I felt much better after I repented to God and Haylee and was forgiven. I also apologized to the other children because they did witness some of it.

I was able to share with Haylee a sign the DHR worker received on the way home from the staffing when they matched us with the girls.  She was driving home and praying the God would give her a sign that she made the right choice for girls.  She went around a curve and saw a billboard that said, "Dentist."  Well, my husband is a dentist.  She took that as a confirmation that she had done the right thing.  Haylee told me she loves how God works things out.  She is so joyful!!

I love my children so much!!  I am so blessed!!  I owe every bit of it to God!!

 Tomorrow is a new day...