My heart...

I truly love my girls. I am very proud of how far they have come in the almost five months they have been my daughters. They are improving a little each day. I am questioning about what to share and not to share. I don't want to hurt my girls in any way. Maybe I have messed up. I don't want to be fake at all. If people ask me how things are going, I will be honest. I hope you know my heart is not to hurt my children.

Maturity

Okay...the struggle for the weekend is this...

Beth and Ann, in my opinion, aren't as mature and responsible as an average almost nine year old. Morgan is only nine months older than them but is more responsible and trustworthy. Her decisions do not revolve around what everyone else is doing. She knows the difference between right and wrong and usually makes good choices. Yes, she does make poor choices at times. However, she understands consequences for her actions. I am not sure Beth does. Whatever Morgan does they want to do.

Well, they didn't get to spend the night out last night. Morgan did spend the night away. I didn't hesitate one bit allowing her. Morgan wants to go to camp next summer. She probably won't, but we will consider it. I have already told the girls they will not be going. The girls think whatever she does, they automatically get to do. Well, no. Morgan would do great at an overnight camp. There is no way they are going anywhere overnight without my husband or me.

Morgan was allowed to go in the woods with Alex and a friend today. She is able to get up and down the hill by herself. She needs very little assistance in the woods. Beth asked to go. The answer was no again. We tried that one time and it wasn't a good thing. So, she gets mad and gets in the bed and cries. My husband told her she could choose how to spend her day, in the bed or playing, her choice. I am sorry, but everyone doesn't get to do everything around here.

Beth isn't having a good day. She got in trouble for leaving the door open again. Our power bill was over $500 this month. Ugh!! My husband took everyone swimming. The last time they went swimming she left her new competition goggles somewhere where Reesie, our dog, got them and was chewing them up. They each have a swim bag on a hook in the mud room to put their swim items in. I took them from the dog and put them away. Today she wanted them back. I made her explain why she didn't have them. If the dog has them again she will lose them again. She wasn't a happy camper when she left. I am sure she is sick of me correcting her today. She definately does better during the school week with very strict structure.

I have learned that children which are affected like my girls don't mature at the same pace as children with non alcohol affected brains. My girls just don't act almost nine. I am sure being in the foster system doesn't help either. How do I explain this to them? How do I explain I have to totally trust before they spend the night away? Will they ever get the same opportunities as Morgan? I have to accept that they may not. Children with these issues often take longer to mature and some continue to struggle with cause and effect problems. We shall see....

This calling by God is so exhausting...

Update and incident

I received the info I needed from the geneticist to confirm the diagnosis. Praise God!! I received an email today with dialogue between my state worker and the head of the office of adoption regarding our subsidy and the approval. My worker is on special assignment this week so she won't have time to complete our paperwork until next week sometime. I am happy that we are coming to the end of this phase of the journey. Hopefully, next week, we will get some official paperwork to sign to finalize what has been discussed.

Good news. Ann's auditory processing testing came back normal. I am very happy about this. I believe her problems come from her ADD. I don't want to medicate, if possible, because she isn't hyper. She has a hard time focusing. Beth was tested today and I should receive the results next week.

While we were out of town for Beth to be tested today, we went into a restaurant. The place had just opened because it was only about 10:30. The lady behind the counter was loudly "discussing" with the guy behind the window in the kitched that someone is not taking care of their children and the state should take custody and have them adopted. They keep having children and not providing for them. The man in the kitchen said no matter how many children he has, he will provide for them. When we came in, she looked at us, turned her back to us and continued arguing with the guy. Well, I started getting upset because I was worried how this would affect Beth. She heard the main words, DHR, adoption, not taking care of, take them away. Finally someone else came and took our order. I finished paying and asked Beth to go pick a table. We were the only ones in the place so I was comfortable with her doing this. I then proceeded to tell the lady that she needs to be careful what she is saying with customers in the building. My child is currently being adopted from the foster care system and I didn't appreciate her yelling these things in front of her. She should have stopped as soon as we walked in. She started telling me about her "old man" that keeps having children. I told her I didn't want the story, she just needs to be more considerate. She kept trying to justify and I just kept reminding her that she doesn't know who is listening and who she is affecting as she discusses things in the restaurant.

I went to the table to join Beth. She asked me if the lady knew she was adopted. I told her no. I tried to distract her and talk with her so she wouldn't hear the lady. Obviously it didn't work. She said it reminded her of her BM and BD yelling at each other. It has never crossed my mind that she probably did hear her birth parents talk about them losing their girls and DHR coming to their home, ect. It did bother her. For the first time, I believe I was hurt and offended for her. I explained to her that when my babies are hurt, I also hurt. She said, "and I am your baby." She is getting it. I got upset because I was afraid what the lady was saying would upset her. She did hear and it did bother her. Later the manager came to refill our drinks and I tried to talk with him about what happened. He didn't seem bothered by any of it. I told him that I was always taught to be quiet and pay attention to the customer, not continue a conversation with another employee. People just don't understand good customer service any more. He didn't say much.

The girls are all at a birthday party tonight. My husband and I went to dinner for his 42nd birthday. We had a nice time. I will pick the twins up at 9pm and Morgan will spend the night. They were very excited. I preached all the way there. I have to state every rule or who knows what they might do. I will be anxious to hear how things went.

Maybe...

The doctor just called. I explained what the state wants. He said he would send me an addendum stating this is more than likely what we are dealing with and he would send a brief paragraph about their diagnosis.

I hope this will be what I need. I am praying that God will guide him as he types the letter or dictates it and it will be exactly what we need.

Frustration!

I received the long awaited letter with our diagnosis today. It isn't a complete diagnosis, it is a "maybe" or "possibility" diagnosis. The doctor told me they had it and he was going to send a letter stating that. Now I get this! I called his secretary back and explained the situation. She said she would try to get him to call me. I pray he calls and is understanding in our situation.

I feel as if it is going to appear that I have misrepresented our situation to the state. Lord you know the truth...please reveal it where it needs to be!!

Precious moments!

My girls are in their room taking turns reading the Bible. From what I can tell, they are reading in Genesis. We are also studying that in history. What sweet moments!

Cause and Effect

Okay...so we are having a pretty good day yesterday. Everyone was getting school work done and I was praising Beth for such good work and attitude. I have read that sometimes children of abuse and neglect start acting out after praise. I can't remember why. I overheard Beth and Ann in the kitchen. Ann was emptying the dishwasher. I hear Ann tell Beth in a worried voice to stop and put it back now. I step out of the laundry room and ask what is going on. With a smirk on her face Beth tells me she was going to try to twirl the knife on her fingers like Zach and Cody. OH MY GOODNESS!!! By the way, it was one of the largest knives in the drawer. I was not happy to say the least. I believe she thought they really did that on the show. Thank goodness Ann stopped her. Later she was trying to get Ann with the can opener. Maybe I could have brushed that off as a five year old acting thing if the first incident with the knife hadn't happened. The worst part is that when I asked her if she knew why I was concerned about her choices she said that if she got hurt before the adoption was final, they would take them away. I didn't know what to say to this. She had an okay night, but was in trouble with attitude first thing this morning. She had to write Philippians 2:14 in her best handwriting 10 times before lunch. "Do all things without murmurings and disputings." She completed the task and has been okay the rest of the day. We are headed to the soccer field tonight for Alex's tryouts. I have never had to worry about Morgan playing with others. I will have to have a watchful eye with Beth and Ann. What a day!

I spoke to the geneticist this morning. Still no letter with the diagnosis. They say I should have it by Thursday. I will email it to the state that day also. I am ready to get this thing finalized!!

Is there an actual contract you add things into? How does this work?

Weekend

We had a pretty good weekend. I attended the conference Thursday. My husband and the other three children came to my parents Friday morning. We had a large family get together Saturday so everyone could meet the girls and my brother's precious new baby girl. It went pretty well. The girls reverted back a little to their insecure voices but behaved well. Overall, they did very well. They appear to be attaching and becoming a little more secure everyday.

We are ready to start another school week tomorrow. I am excited because we only have one doctor appt this week and one couselor appt. We also extra classes for the boys, dance for the girls, scouts for the boys, and piano for two kids. We haven't even started piano for the twins and swim team for the fall yet.

I am hoping the state will move quickly so we can get this adoption final!! It sounds like it may be soon. I am going to contact the attorney so he can make sure he has the ball rolling on his end. Any suggestions on how to move this along quickly? I am not sure what the process is with the court system.

Conference

The conference was great today. I could have listened to Kari much longer. She is a great speaker and really knows her stuff. I need to reconsider how I am parenting my girls. I think I will continue to use the things that are working, but change the obvious things. Ann needs something to do with her hands while I am teaching her. She is constantly trying to do something and I am always taking whatever it is away. Well, I need to let her have something. Kari mentioned putting velcro on her son's pencil or on the table. I may try it and see if it helps. It is an easy thing to try. She also has sand timers for all lengths of time. She suggested using them for children that do not function well with 5, 3, 1 minute warnings. My girls are not good judges of time. I think I will be purchasing them soon.

The meeting was worth the trip. I met with the head of the State Office of Adoption and I think since we have a diagnosis she is going to approve my requests. Yeah!! I was very thrilled. She told me before Kari started speaking. It isn't signed yet. I have to wait on the paperwork from the doctor we saw Monday. She told me she had an inbox full of emails from me with my data and research. I apologized and said I was told to advocate for my children and that is what I have done. She said she is glad and wishes more parents would. She said that I had obviously educated myself very well in a short amount of time. I am very happy and glad I came to the meeting. I am enjoying time at my parents with Alex and Morgan. Life is so easy now with only two. These two are easy. I can totally trust them.

Conference

I am head this morning with two of the children to travel to hear Kari Fletcher speak today. I am excited to meet her and to sit with all of the DHR workers and learn more about how to effectively discipline and teach my children to be all they can be.

Ann had an auditory processing test done yesterday and Beth will have it next week. I wonder what the results will be?

God is so good!!

We have a diagnosis!

The genetic doctor said we have FAE. We were expecting this diagnosis. He is going to send a letter this week stating the diagnosis and the other items we discussed. I discovered this with the help of counselors early on in the placement. He is also concerned about other syndromes we may be dealing with. Ugh! Both girls had blood work done that will take about 4-6 weeks for results. A full body x-ray was done on Beth. He said we only had to do one child because they are twins. I am confused a little bit about this because they are fraternal. I may have misunderstood what he was testing for. Anyway, hopefully we will have results from x-rays pretty quickly.

This morning I received an email from Kari Fletcher. She is a well know advocate for FAE and other related disorders. We had spoken with her about a month ago about FAS and our children. She is speaking at a permanancy conference in our state Thursday. She was checking in with me to see if I would be able to attend. Wow! How cool of God!! The day after we get a definate diagnosis, I get an email from Kari. I called her immediately to find out the details and to ask her opinion about our diagnosis. She said the FAE kids are sometimes the hardest to parent. They have average IQ's and they often don't look affected. These kids often do okay until their early teens. They begin falling behind academically and have a hard time processing their difficulties as they get older.

So, after speaking with her I contacted my state worker and told her what information I received from the doctor and asked about the conference. Anyway, I have arranged to be at her conference with all of the state workers that make these decisions on Thursday. We will all hear the same info at the same time!! I am so excited. She spoke in May at our state foster parent conference and I was unable to attend. I can't wait to hear her speak.

I sent an email to the state workers which includes the decision maker for my assistance request. She replied stating she will re-evaluate our case after the paperwork is received from the doctor. Yea!! At least she is going to reconsider. Hopefully after hearing Kari speak tomorrow, she will reconsider.

This will hold up the finalization again. I am okay with this because we need everything handled before we finalize.

God is in control!!! He is bigger than any of this!! I am so blessed that he has worked out every detail so I can attend this conference three hours from my home!! Now I just need the strength and energy to make it through the week. Tomorrow I will be out of town again with Beth and Ann for different testing and orthodontic appointments. I am so glad we homeschool because it travels!!!

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! Philippians 4:13

Hard

Ann and Beth have appointments Monday with a geneticist in a large city about three hours from us. The state didn't approve requested items because we don't have a diagnosis. We already had the appointment scheduled, thank goodness. The state notified us Thursday of their decision.

I am having to complete forms for the appointment on Monday. It is very hard for me handle my feelings as I read back over their birth records and family history. I have such mixed emotions. The feelings and thoughts are so different than four months ago. When I read the documents before, I knew the girls were ours, but didn't know them yet. They are now my daughters and this makes me angry as I read. How could parents make the choices they did when two precious children were involved. This is what addicitions can do to you. I wonder why things weren't followed up on by DHR. I can't change the past, I just have to deal with it and move forward. I will press forward reviewing their history as I prepare for our appointment. I hope we get answers and not receive the run around again. It is hard to find a person that will diagnose.

Ann sucks two of her fingers. We have tried many things to help her stop. We have painted a yucky polish on. It worked for a few days and that is all. We have been putting band aids on her fingers. When she didn't have them on, they went straight in her mouth. She said she only needed one band aid, so we started only using one. I discovered this morning that she has been moving the band aid so she can suck them. She was watching TV and I saw her with them in her mounth. I checked her fingers and she had moved the band aid up so she could suck them. I was not happy at all!!! Intentional defiance!! I know it is an addiction that she has, but she knew exactly what she was doing when she moved the band aid. I told her I would be putting the band aids on both fingers and I will check them. The other girls told me they could hear her moving the band aids at night. Ugh!! Her days of sucking her fingers are numbered. We are having an appliance placed in her mouth Wednesday so she can't suck them. I hope it works. My husband says she won't be able to take it out, so it should work. I hope so!!

Sisters...having fun!

A friend of mine sent me these cute pictures of the girls from the pool this summer. I thought I would share them with you. It reminds me that even though the girls argue and fuss, they really do love each other. Once again, I wish I could show their beautiful faces. When the adoption is final, I will be posting many pictures WITH faces.

What a glorious Day!!

Beth getting in the water to be baptized.


Beth listening as they are talking with her about baptism.

Ann getting used to the water. The heater must not have helped too much. Ann listening to the questions as they prepare her for baptism.

My husband and the elders praying over Ann after her baptism. They prayed for Beth also, but I didn't have a picture without her face showing.

Morgan about to be baptized. I love the way she is looking at her daddy.

Morgan is so happy about being baptized. She asked Jesus in her heart when she was 4 1/2 but never would get baptized. How neat of God to plan it so all of my girls would be baptized on the same day.

Morgan being prayed for after her baptism.

Before the girls were baptized, various members of our church body shared scripture and words God had given each of them. One thing shared by a friend of ours was the connection between being adopted into God's family and being adopted into our family. She reminded them they are all princesses of the King. It was so neat for someone else to share this with them. The friend is 19 and babysat Morgan for many years when she was younger. It was very sweet.

Sorry!

I will get the baptism pictures posted soon. I just haven't had time. Well, I started one time and loaded five pictures and then they disappeared. I haven't started again. I have some precious pictures.

We started school yesterday. T, A, and M did well. Ann and Beth struggled some. Beth is doing great so far today. She has "turned her brain on" today. It sure makes things easier on everyone. Ann is not focused today. We use office chairs in our school room so the height can be adjusted for each child. Well, after too many warnings, she lost hers because of the constant spinning and twisting. She almost ended up in her bed after I took it away because of the pouting and tears. Later, she was lying on the table...ugh! She got it together enough to make it to break. I am about to go teach more so we will see how she is acting. She will not get it back until tomorrow.

Please pray for us, we have some spiritual warfare going on with Beth. The world calls it something major, but we believe she has a music or praise and worship calling on her life and therefore we are having to fight for her. Please intercede for her and me as well as we fight with and for her.

Baptizing tomorrow!

We are baptizing all three girls. It has been totally crazy around here. My parents are here and my husband's parents are here. We are having 22 people for lunch tomorrow. I think I have everything ready. The girls are loving the attention, but behaving well.

We are going to start school Monday, ready or not. I know I can open the math and grammar books and begin. I can also probably begin literature. I believe it will help everyone to be back to more structure.

Ann is being referred for auditory processing testing. I am glad the doctor suggested this. I really didn't know where to begin to get this done. We have wanted this done for a while.

I spoke with my state social worker yesterday. I am given the impression that she believes everything I have told her about my girls. She is going to push them to make some decisions next week regarding our subsidy. Once that gets made, hopefully we can finalize the adoption. I am more than ready!! I am ready for them to be totally mine where I can make decisions and not worry about what the state thinks.

The state has decided they shouldn't have been placed on my private insurance after all. They don't legally have our name. The doctor's office couldn't use two last names so they can't file on two insurances. What a mess!! I am going to call our insurance company Monday and see if we can get them retroactively removed. What a mess!!

Busy Times

This week has been really busy. My sister-in-law and her three boys were here Sunday afternoon until Monday. She was able to finally meet the girls. All 8 eight of the children played well together. We were able to plan our Disney trip. We are going to go in September. We will have about 2 days with them while we are there. It is totally unbelievable the cost to go to Disney. We were able to find a newly renovated hotel for abouyt $78 a night and it includes a full breakfast. Well, the included meal is worth at least $50 more dollars. We found a resort for not much more but it didn't include breakfast. We couldn't pass up the breakfast being included.

Monday night we had a swim team end of the year party. The kids had dinner and cake and awards. They all seemed to enjoy the party.

Tuesday we had counselor appointments. Everything was good until they started talking about insurance. We aren't sure if they are suppose to be on my insurance and Medi*aid or just Medi*aid. They have been added to our private insurance, but should they have been since we aren't their legal parents yet. Their name hasn't changed. One more mess to figure out. I am so ready for this two be final so we can just live our lives!

Today Tucker had his wisdom teeth removed. He did well, but always has blood pressure problem in recovery. It takes him longer to be able to leave. He had done well today. I hope he continues to improve.

The girls are doing okay. They revealed some new things to the counselor yesterday that were surprising to me. I am digesting these things and hoping they aren't really a big deal. The couselor did suggest Auditory Processing Testing for Ann. We weren't surprised about this at all. I am almost glad we now have this referral. Which insurance do we use?

I am hoping to start school again Monday. I am hoping to get prepared over the next few days. Our life has been so busy, I haven't been able to get my act together. We will have school next week and then the next week we have three doctors appointments. Two about three hours away, one on Monday and one on Friday. One on Wednesday about an hour away. Will this ever slow down?

All three girls will be baptized on Sunday. We are very happy and all grandparents will be here for the big day. Beth and Ann are new Christians. Morgan was saved a few years ago but has been afraid of being baptized. Now that she is the big sister, she isn't missing out. How sweet of God to work it out so they will be baptized together. My husband will baptize them with our preacher and elders around him. How awesome!!