Okay...the struggle for the weekend is this...
Beth and Ann, in my opinion, aren't as mature and responsible as an average almost nine year old. Morgan is only nine months older than them but is more responsible and trustworthy. Her decisions do not revolve around what everyone else is doing. She knows the difference between right and wrong and usually makes good choices. Yes, she does make poor choices at times. However, she understands consequences for her actions. I am not sure Beth does. Whatever Morgan does they want to do.
Well, they didn't get to spend the night out last night. Morgan did spend the night away. I didn't hesitate one bit allowing her. Morgan wants to go to camp next summer. She probably won't, but we will consider it. I have already told the girls they will not be going. The girls think whatever she does, they automatically get to do. Well, no. Morgan would do great at an overnight camp. There is no way they are going anywhere overnight without my husband or me.
Morgan was allowed to go in the woods with Alex and a friend today. She is able to get up and down the hill by herself. She needs very little assistance in the woods. Beth asked to go. The answer was no again. We tried that one time and it wasn't a good thing. So, she gets mad and gets in the bed and cries. My husband told her she could choose how to spend her day, in the bed or playing, her choice. I am sorry, but everyone doesn't get to do everything around here.
Beth isn't having a good day. She got in trouble for leaving the door open again. Our power bill was over $500 this month. Ugh!! My husband took everyone swimming. The last time they went swimming she left her new competition goggles somewhere where Reesie, our dog, got them and was chewing them up. They each have a swim bag on a hook in the mud room to put their swim items in. I took them from the dog and put them away. Today she wanted them back. I made her explain why she didn't have them. If the dog has them again she will lose them again. She wasn't a happy camper when she left. I am sure she is sick of me correcting her today. She definately does better during the school week with very strict structure.
I have learned that children which are affected like my girls don't mature at the same pace as children with non alcohol affected brains. My girls just don't act almost nine. I am sure being in the foster system doesn't help either. How do I explain this to them? How do I explain I have to totally trust before they spend the night away? Will they ever get the same opportunities as Morgan? I have to accept that they may not. Children with these issues often take longer to mature and some continue to struggle with cause and effect problems. We shall see....
This calling by God is so exhausting...
TRUST. Hmm. That is a word I have decided I may never be able to use in the same sentence with the names Nate or Beth.
ReplyDeleteTheir past? The warped things their parents taught them? Learning disabilities? Prenatal drug exposure?
Who knows what the root of the cause is for my two, but what it boils down to is that they can't be trusted.
They can't be trusted to tell the truth. They can't be trusted to think for themselves. They can't be trusted to make the right decisions, even when they know what the right thing to do is. They can't be trusted to know the right thing. They can't be trusted to understand what the consequence of making the wrong decision is.
But... They can trust me to protect them. That is one of our jobs as parents and for these two children it is a very critical part of their development right now.
I make it clear to my two every time this issue comes up that I can't trust them. I use the word trust everyday...often. I use it to say, "You just built the trust." or I use it to say, "You just broke the trust."
Keep up the good work. Think of your girls at their mental age rather than their physical age. What are they, around 5 mentally? Well, would you allow a 5 year old to spend the night away from home with a friend? It all makes sense how you are parenting them when you consider their mental age over that of their physical age.
Kelly, you are right. They can trust me to protect them also. I would say they are around 6 or 7. It varies depending on what is going on. I wouldn't be protecting them properly if I let them do things that aren't appropriate for their age. I always try to consider their mental age. They don't understand that though. It is such a struggle.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree that you have to treat kids as individuals based on their own needs and strengths, it seems you do a great job at that and don't buy into fair=equal.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I wonder if doing what's best may not mean adopting the activity so the child that struggles get's to do some fun things that siblings and friends are doing based on age. For example, going to an overnight camp for kids with similar issues or a regular camp for a shorter session. Even though they may not be as mature as chronological age, it be disheartening and feel like a punishment not do some things over almost nine year olds do. Protection and safety always come first but adapting things can be a way to meet safety needs and a sense of progress your child may want/need.
Also complete trust may be too high an expectation- you may not get there based on there early issues. Defining specific behaviors that go along with each request might be a better gauge. For example keeps up own belongs for a month, remembers to shower every day etc...those all go along with spending the night away but may not lead to total trust. In the end if they make not good choices they still can get the consequences, even if it's coming home early from camp or spending the night etc.
Just wanted to add this perspective.