The sweet side...

I read this blog today, http://ouralabamaadventure.blogspot.com/.  Sharon wrote a great description of what we deal with as parents of older adopted children. 

You can link to the blog above and/or read a portion of it here.  This is what I wish people would understand about us instead of judging us.


One of the biggest frustrations we all face, though, is the judgement we get from those around us that don't understand RAD. And let me stop right here and say - if you have done this, don't beat yourself up - everyone does, you are not alone. Heck - >> I << did it, to other parents of RAD kids, before we got ours!!

But our kids' behaviors often come across as sweet and cute to those who don't know them well, or, even, sometimes to those who DO know them pretty well, but don't understand their 'issues'. And our responses, as parents, to those 'sweet and cute' behaviors will often come across as somewhat harsh. It's so tiring to know that people whom I care about sometimes judge me to be part of the problem because I am being 'too harsh' with them. It's a TOUGH style of parenting, and not our first choice of ways to have to treat them, but there are indications that it WORKS, we have SEEN it help in our own kids' lives, so we DO it because we want what is best for our kid. Please don't judge us.

It's also TIRING. And often people don't understand just HOW tiring it is, because when they (KINDly) take our kids for us for short periods of time, the kids are angelic! "What could possibly be so hard about parenting these wonderful children?" But the kids save their 'behaviors' for when other people are not around.

The human spirit is incredibly deeply programmed for survival. And when the psyche is injured at a young age, it becomes VERY defensive by nature and VERY capable of manipulating and playing the situation to it's best advantage. These kids are PROFESSIONALS at this process. They are generally very sweet in public and to those who they do not see on a daily basis. They save their 'behaviors' for those who are trying to get the closest to them, because, deep down inside, they know that we hold the most power to hurt them again. So they work VERY hard at making SURE we can not get close enough to have that power.


Also, Hannah is really wanting to see her birth parents to ask them some questions.  Our counselor suggested she start a journal of what she would like to ask them.  Of course, we are not going to allow her to see them anytime soon.  I hope this journal doesn't become a big ordeal.  She made a few comments about it last night that I am not sure how to take. 

When she first came, if she got in trouble, she would ask to call her foster mother.  We eventually ended that.  Now, if she is in trouble or in the middle of a punishment (ie: no TV) she will tell me she is going to write in her journal to her BP.