Am I doing this whole parenting thing even close to right? Sometimes I feel like I am too strict, but if I let up, everything goes down hill. If the boundaries get to loose, we have a mess. I feel like people think I am mean. Some say my expectations are too high. I believe that God wants us to train our children to be all they can be. Until they appear to not be able to learn anymore, we keep teaching, encouraging and teaching more. I believe people can always learn, no matter what level of learning they are at.
I know I mess up along the way. Thank goodness for the mercy and grace of our heavenly Father! This journey has definately taught me to rely on Him more!
I realize my adopted children issues aren't as severe as others. We are blessed by that. My trials may seem petty and minor compared to others. I pray for many of the children of blog friends because their struggles appear harder than mine. (At least the fits last longer.) However, God has blessed us with our children and their struggles seem really huge to me some days.
The diagnosises my girls have overwhelm me some days. I try not to claim them because I know God can heal their brains and their hearts. They are continuing to learn. However, some connections are not being made. I don't know if they will ever be made. Each of them have different needs. It is a daily challenge, moment by moment, deciding how to respond and handle each situation. The parenting is so much harder and confusing than my birth children ever were. No amount of teaching can ever prepare you for this journey. It does teach you what may be the underlying cause of the issues.
God knows the detail of every moment in the past of Haylee and Hannah. He gives me what I need to parent them just at the moment I need it. Thank goodness we serve a loving and forgiving God!
You're a great mom. Don't ever question that!! Parenting hurt children can not be compared to parenting birth children...period. Sure you can do some things (very, very few) the same way but every child is different and every situation that arises is different and must be parented differently. Our hurt children are very different than our birth children but at no fault of their own. We have the birth parents to blame for that and it will FOREVER effect them and how they view the world. You are doing a great job with all of your children. We are both learning as we go and we will make mistakes and we will have to abandon certain ways of parenting to get on the level our hurt children are on. That is the hardest part for me.
ReplyDeleteFor example: Raleigh and Jackson had a baseball game the same night as Brantley's award night. Bailey took Raleigh to the game but I would not let Jackson go with them because I can't trust him to mind Bailey and behave without me or hubby with him. I am sure people thought that was mean for Raleigh to go and not Jackson and they lost really bad without him but I am doing what is best for my kids..individually..and that is what you are doing. Keep up the good work and stop questioning yourself. You are an awesome mom and God hand chose you for all 5 of your children!!
I know the feeling. It is NOT like parenting your bio kids. It is harder and you have to be so much stricter and people can't understand, because they don't live with these kids. I know. People think I'm way to strict, but if I let loose in the least I have more trouble on my hands than I can deal with. You are doing great and God will continue to help you. What a blessing these girls have someone who cares enough to want the best for them and for them to succeed. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteParenting children from the hard places is hard. It feels like failure some days. It challenges and stretches us beyond anything else we have ever known.
ReplyDeleteI think forgiveness is the key. We not only need to show it toward others (our children, their birth families, etc...) but also toward ourselves. We are not parenting neuro-typical children but most of us were taught neuro-typical parenting skills. Some of us will make shifts along the way and parent differently in a response to our children's needs. Diane Malbin is a national FASD speaker who talks about that shift.
Be gentle with yourself as you walk this very difficult path. I think you are pretty wonderful.
~Kari
P.S. I get the whole "too strict" thing, too. We don't use excessive punishments (which tend to be ineffective with FASD) but we do put a lot of effort into prevention. Structure, structure, structure. Supervision, supervision, supervision. If we don't have these things in place, the world falls apart. It's part of how we need to parent differently according to our kids' needs.
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog (don't quite remember how), but I have to say that what you're living really resonates with me. We adopted a 8 year old girl from South Africa - hands down the hardest thing we've ever done. We are ALOT stricter with her than our bio son. And get ALOT of criticism for it. But it works for her...when things are too loose, it always always goes downhill. We're trying out the Parenting with Love & Logic ideas - so far, so good. She's not good at owning her behavior, and this is really moving her along that path. Plus, big benefits for our bio son too! As my husband always reminds me, it's a long term strategy, and all God asks is that we do our best. Keep up with the great job you're doing. And take some time for YOU.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing an awesome job in a difficult situation. Other parents do not understand the need for prevention and supervision. We are not "helicopter parents". {{{Hugs}}}
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for all of the sweet comments and encouragement. It is great to have bloggy friends that TRULY understand what it is like!
ReplyDeleteI am oftern told that I am to strict, I take a deep breath and they not to strangle the well meaning parent. We do need more structure in our families, it helps our kids be successful. You are doing a great job!
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