Neurologist

Hannah saw the pediatric neurologist yesterday.  We are scheduled for a 48 hour outpatient EEG next week.  We will go to the hospital an hour away and have the leads attached to her and she will receive a backpack that will be her best friend for two days.  She will wear the the testing gear for 48 hours and we will return early Friday morning to have them removed. 

I have mixed feelings because I don't want her to be having seizures, but I want something to happen in the 48 hours so we can tell what is going on.  I hope the eye dilation happens, so we can see if it is fight or flight or seizures.  We are going to record times that we see events happen, so the doctor can check those times first when he is reviewing the thousands of pages of results he will receive. 

What's Up?

We are wondering what the trigger is for Hannah right now.  Is it Gotcha Day coming up on April 6th?  This is the time of year when a lot of her losses occurred.  She has committed basically the same offense for the third time in 5 days.  She is struggling with respecting the boundaries of others.  It may be walking through a closed door without knocking, writing on someone elses picture or putting on her sister's clothes without permission.   However, it is getting more and more obvious each time.  The punishment is getting a little bit worse each time also. However, none of the punishments have been that severe, in my opinion.

My husband and I are praying that God will give us the proper way to deal with the issues.  We have talked about the punishment, but aren't going to tell her until after church what it will be.  I am praying for a revelation during our praise and worship time today.

Trust is improving

I felt God was leading me to talk with Hannah last night about some of her fears and the root issues behind them.  It was like God brought a picture into focus for me about some of the fears she has displayed over the last two years.  I talked with her alone for about thirty minutes last night.  She wasn't able to tell me what had happened in her past that made her so fearful regarding the situation I mentioned, but she did start opening up with me about other things. 

She told me about things she witnessed her parents doing and how they would copy those things as well.  She has told me about situations like this in the past. She got very emotional and didn't want to share with me what they had done.  She finally shared and like the other things she has shared it wasn't as bad as she thought.  I explained to her again that she was very young and didn't know any better.  It is not her fault and that I am glad she wouldn't want to do those things now.  It wasn't nearly what I was expecting for her to tell me.  She decided she wanted Haylee in the room for the rest of the story.
We called Haylee in the room and continued talking.  It was a good conversation.  I think Haylee has everything stuffed very deeply away inside of her.  The look on Haylee's face was of disgust when Hannah told her what she had told me.  It wasn't disgust at Hannah, but disgust at what they did.  I am protecting my girls and not sharing the details here, but it isn't as bad as one might think. 

I am glad they were sharing with me.  It is amazing how resourceful they were as such little girls.  I guess when a bad situation would come their way, they would do whatever needed to get help.  They told me about stacking chairs and pillows so they could climb up high enough to unlatch the door to get help.  Now remember, my girls are very small.  At ten they are about 48 pounds and 48 inches tall.  So, all these years ago, they were very, very small. 

Haylee shared some not so pleasant memories about her birth parents with me.  She rarely talks about her past.  It was interesting the types of things she remembered versus what Hannah remembers.

I am glad Hannah knows that what she revealed to me isn't as bad as she thought.  I believe as she reaches puberty she would have questioned her identity even more due to this issue.  I reassured her that she is okay and to not worry about what happened.  They were very young little girls. 

I believe Hannah and I are reaching a new milestone in our attachment.  I am very happy for each step.

On another note, I ordered Haylee and pressure tank top and a cushion for her seat.  It is suppose to help with ADHD and sensory needs.  I ordered a S and XS tank.  She put on the S first and it was snug.  However, she wanted to try on the smaller one.  It was hard to get over her head, but she loved it and wanted to keep the smaller one.  She has worn it all day today.  We shall see over time if it helps meet her sensory needs. 

We aren't able to get Hannah seen by a neurologist at our Children's Hospital three hours away because her tests were okay.  My doctor still wants her to be evaluated.  They are going to see if the pediatric neurologist will see her one hour away. 

I want them to start in the therapeutic horse riding group we have here.  Haylee has been approved by the doctor, but Hannah won't be approved until we see the neurologist.  Haylee is very excited about starting.  She loves horses.

Fetal Alcohol

GB's Mom at Adopting Special Needs posted an article on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome on the Foster 2Forever page here.  It was good for me to see the items she posted in her article again.  When the girls came to our family, I did a lot of research on FAS.  I used both of these items when discussing things with the doctors.  As I was reviewing the items today, I was reminded that these issues don't go away.
We have learned to live adjusting for their needs.  It makes some very difficult days for our entire family.  Some of the items I wasn't sure of two years ago, I am sure of now.  It is amazing how God has helped us adjust.  Our family definitely functions differently than before the girls came.  It is all part of God's plan, the good and the bad. 

What I often wonder is should I be getting more outside help.  We do okay now.  A lot of teaching goes on around here all the time. 

Thanks to GB's Mom for sharing today.  It reminds me that the things I see and live with are real and not just in my mind.  It is hard when the issues happen mainly at home.  They are beginning to be seen by people that my girls are with on a regular basis now.

Like Minded

I had the pleasure of talking with another Adoptive Mom on the phone last night for three hours.  Her children were placed in her home in December.  We would talk and she would say how glad she was to hear me say things because she had thought things and felt bad for thinking them.  Talking with her reminded me again that so many of Hannah's struggles are due to trauma, abuse, and neglect.  Her ten year old and Hannah are very similar in actions.  It was a great conversation!  I couldn't believe that it had already been three hours! 

It made me start thinking that maybe I should consider going to one of the retreats for adoptive moms. 

It is so nice to spend time with like minded people that "get" what we are doing in our crazy life.

Her daughter's eyes dilate when she is lying, in trouble or insecure.  It makes me really thing Hannah's are trauma related and not seizures.  Hopefully, we will find out something soon.

Praying

I am praying about what to do next with Hannah.  As of now, I am going to get an appointment with a pediatric neurologists out of town.  It may be six months before we can get an appointment.  During that time I will watch and document these episodes. 

I had her speech evaluated today and she was fine.  The lady noted that she needed to work on eye contact.  That is not surprising.  We are always asking her to look at us when she talks. 

So, it appears the stuttering and eye dilation are either the results of the fight/flight/freeze situation or a small seizure.  Even though the EEG didn't show anything, we could be dealing with seizures.  The characteristics can happen in either situation. 

If it is all part of fight/flight/freeze, is that dealing with PTSD?  Is this something I need to seek treatment for or just keep loving her and continue building her trust and security within our family?

Lots to think about...

Negative

The test results for Hannah was negative.  However, the doctor feels like I need to go ahead and see a pediatric neurologists in the next few months.  She hasn't had another episode since the one that caused the doctor visit.