I am having a hard time knowing if I am being too strict on the girls. I don't want to let them get away with things they shouldn't because I will have a hard time changing the boundaries. They are not getting away with things that T, A, and M don't get away with. Today one started yelling at M in the car about helping with this Safe Fit adjuster for the seatbelt. I stopped backing up and sent Tucker back in the garage to get a booster seat. The girls are small so I have had a difficult time deciding the proper restraints in the car. Anyway, if she couldn't get buckled by herself or at least ask for help nicely, she could just ride in a booster seat. This twin doesn't want to ride in a booster, so maybe she will think before she chews out someone else for not waiting on her. Of course, this was the end of the day and I was tired of it all!
We are also having some manipulation issues. One seems to like to pick fights. Is it for attention or to get someone else in trouble? When do I let them start handling the fights themselves? One was caught getting something out of another girl's basket without asking. When the other girl asked where she got the item, she said she didn't know or couldn't remember. I am so glad I wasn't around. When I confronted her later, she didn't lie. That is a good thing!! She didn't seem remorseful at all. I guess that comes with foster children. They may have a fear of being here a while and going back. I don't know.
Where is the line? How strict do I be? I think GPS class was an eye opener, but nothing can prepare you for the real thing!!
We have had great friends bring us meals this last week. Thanks to everyone!! The meals have been a HUGE help!! Tomorrow night is church. All five kids will go. The adult home group we attend is cancelled tomorrow because the leaders are at the beach. My husband and I get to have a date night!! We have a coupon for a local restaurant that is really good. We are going there for dinner. Another night I don't have to plan a meal!! Praise God for the big and little things!!
It is easier to loosen the rains than to tighten them. Stay firm. It is so hard because you feel like all you are doing is correcting them. Be firm and matter of fact so they know you are in control. It will make them feel more secure with you and help with the bonding, trust and attachment process.
ReplyDeleteI can't say it enough though... Don't put Morgan or the boys in a position of authority over the girls. It is so hard when they need soooo much supervision but I made this mistake (I needed a break sometimes) and I am still paying for it. Let all 5 of your kids just be kids together. Also, don't expect Morgan to always set the example of your house rules. There may be times she will do what the twins are doing even though she knows it's wrong, just because. I made this mistake with Raleigh and expected too much from him and he came through most of the time but it has turned him into a monster. :) He is soooo bossy of Nate and Beth. Now I am having to tame the monster and let him just be a kid.
Just sharing from my experience. Don't want to come across as too bossy or a know-it-all because I sure don't know much at all. I am still trying new things and learning everyday.
What works today may not work tomorrow...never a dull moment. :)
Just my two bits from a mom only a few weeks ahead of you with our twins.... I'm really being firm and holding the reigns tight!!! It's paying off. The kiddos are realizing I don't change my mind, screaming or crying or throwing a tantrum won't change a thing, and being disrespectful is NOT at all acceptable. I always expect a "Yes MOM!" and when they say "NO!" the consequence is always the same and they are not battling me as hard or as long over that anymore. I was able to sit back today and consider all the things these twins are doing and saying today that two weeks ago anyone would have thought was impossible... It's downright amazing. I'm exhausted to be sure, but I'm hyper-vigilant in making sure that we follow through with the requirements no matter how long it takes and we've gone from taking 2-4 hours to come around and saying "yes mom" and obeying to 5 or 10 minutes - if any time at all. What a blessing!
ReplyDeleteImage a home on the edge of a cliff. There is a large deck overlooking the valley. Now imagine that deck with wobbley or missing railings. You would not enjoy the complete deck for fear of falling off. Rules are like that railing - they don't limit, they give freedom to enjoy the entire deck. They give a child security. They may kick at the railing to make sure it's secure but they are relieved when they see that it's solid.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing long with lots of structure, my kids thrive on it and when it is not there we ahve problems. You can all it whatever you want but kids who experienced loss and trauma need a lot of structure to help them to contain all of the things that are going on for them. Love them, guide them and be as patient as you can.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement and advice. I will keep on with the strong structure and boundaries. I do feel like I am always correcting. I try to always manage to get them in my lap or hug them shortly after without making it obvious that I am trying to reassure that I am going to love them and keep them even after correction. Patience gets harder and harder as the day goes on. I guess that is the Mommy they have been given. The seem to respond well with correction. Prayer, prayer, prayer!!
ReplyDeleteHope you are all doing well.... thinking of you and your family as you adjust meld with the twins to become one family.
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