We have had an okay past few days. It has been about 3 1/2 weeks since the girls moved in. Both girls have had rough times today. They cried and got angry at things that weren't very big. I tried to ask them if something else was bothering them. They both said nothing else other than the known problem. Maybe I am treating them too much like my own. I don't respond to whining very well or manipulation. I don't do well with blaming and tattling on someone because they ate the last piece of cheese pizza and you didn't get it when they didn't even eat it!! Ugh!! They want to be waited on sometimes and we just don't do that. If my kids want milk, they go get milk. I will be glad to help them get it if they can't reach it, but I am not their servant. Is that wrong of me? I am struggling with if I am doing this right or not. Am I messing all five kids up?
We pretty much confirmed some suspicions I had when the counselor came yesterday. I had researched a few things the day before she came and she mentioned the same things after meeting with each of the kids. I read through the pile of records given to me when we signed the letters of intent to adopt the girls. Of course, some things were never told to us. Some things were denied that are written in black and white. We would not change taking the girls at all. However, it does change some of the rules and boundaries in our house. An obvious diagnosis didn't occur. I wonder why?
Nothing I discovered will ever make us love the girls any less or not take them. They are our girls and will always be. God knew they would be ours. He will not give us more than we can handle. After I figured out things, I was very depressed. I did get better after being alone and processing everything. I relate it to being pregnant and having an ultrasound. They tell you something is wrong and you are shocked and overwhelmed. After you have time to process the news, you continue on and adjust accordingly. I am glad we have pediatrician appointments next week. I can talk to him about everything.
I am rocking the girls regularly and we all enjoy it. Can I do this forever? I know the answer is yes I will, but some days I am just not sure.
I completely understand. Believe me there are days I wonder why in this world God chose me for this and if I can really do it for the rest of my life. It can be overwhelming at times and you just have to take it one day and one prayer at a time. You are doing great, don't question yourself. What works one day may not work the next just like what works for one child may not work for the other. So much of this is trial and error. You are still getting to know each other. The longer they are home the better you will know how to handle things. I am still, 18.5 months later, trying new things.
ReplyDeleteFor the last 2 weeks or so when Nate gets wild or starts screaming he has to go on our back deck and run from one end to the other over and over. It is amazing how quickly this calms him down and he always comes in with a new attitude. If only I had tried this a year ago. :)
Another example: For the longest we had a time-out chair, well no more. They have to stand with their nose in the corner now.
Keep on keeping on. You are doing great!
I smiled when I read this because I know exactly the feeling... I am not a servant, either. I expect the children to do for themselves what they are capable of. Unfortunately, it seems someone has done everything for them in the past and they totally expected me to jump up at every command. They'll be sitting there and out of the blue you'll hear "Milk" and they truly expected someone to jump up and fill them a cup of milk. After we had taught them the correct way to ask for something we made a game of their impertinence. One of the twins would say, "bread" and without missing a beat one of the girls would say, "peas" and the next would say "peanut butter", etc..and very quickly the twins caught on. But I too struggled with whole philosophy of the adoption world where you treat them like infants when you first get the kids... these two have been treated like infants their whole lives and that's partly why they are where they are developmentally. I can't continue that injustice, but it's a struggle because much of the advice given me in my most trying moments are to do exactly that and so it makes me feel inadequate for the job at times. I see so much pride and happiness in their faces when they have accomplished for themselves the very things they expected me to do before and that makes it worth it.
ReplyDeleteI make my kids ask for things because I need them to learn to depend on me to meet their needs. My kids took care of themselves and one another for so long that letting someone else meet their needs is really hard for them. At first they were not allowed to help themselves to anything. Now they have to ask first and then they can go and help themselves. It cuts down on the sneakiness and it forces them to realise that I am here to take of them.
ReplyDeleteIt is different for every family, you need to do what you feel is best.