This weekend T,A, and M participated in a swim meet. Well, that means we were at the pool all day Saturday. The girls kept asking if we were done and if we could leave. I finally had to tell them this is what our family does together. We would be at the pool until we were all finished and received the awards. They finally realized I meant it and adjusted. One girl napped and the snacked. Survival at its best!!
After such a big weekend, we decided to nap Sunday. The boys and one girl slept and me, of course. MISTAKE!! I will not do that again. The girl that slept couldn't go to sleep that night. We even rode our bikes five miles after naps. She kept getting out of bed, waking up the other girls, not being honest, becoming fearful, among other things. We had a rough night. My wonderful husband had them in bed early tonight since I was at a meeting. It is very quiet in my house. All I hear is the dishwasher and washing machine. Peaceful!!
How do you handle manipulation? I am struggling to tell the difference between tears for manipulation or real tears. When the bad tears come often and appear like the real tears, I struggle with helping her. As the night went on when she kept waking others up I became less and less sensitive. I didn't like the way I was feeling. However, she gave the same tears earlier about not going to BK to eat lunch. She said we had not been since she had been here. I wanted say to her, lets name where we have been. I didn't to that, but I thought it. I feel really bad for thinking that way. I don't want to feel that way. However, I finally got her to admit to me that she was crying because she wanted to go there for lunch and she thought we would change our mind. Well, she is learning quickly that acting that way makes it that much longer before you get to go with us as parents. (We are as stubborn as the come. My husband and I both received a good dose of this in our genetics!!) This is happening more and more. Needless to say, I am staying firm and hopefully it will eventually improve. I think she doesn't realize she is being dishonest and manipulative. Well, maybe she does. Today, when I could tell she was going to say whatever to get her way, I stopped and made her think about it a few minutes and then tell me. Both times after thinking for a few minutes, she chose to tell the truth. I told her she was still in trouble for the action but not for lying. She told the truth!!! I think she is learning the difference. I think she has had to act this way in her past for survival at times. Hopefully as she becomes more and more secure, this will improve.
The girls have check-ups tomorrow. I hope all goes well. I have many questions for our pediatrician. I hope he is ready!! He is wonderful, so I am sure he will be very patient with me.
It's a hard call. I must say that I usually go to manipulation if the tears are as a result of anything other than being physically hurt. As you get to know the girls you will start to see when they are acutally feeling hurt or sad and when they think that the tears will get them what they want. It was an interesting journey with Calvin because at first he would not cry, ever. Now he is drama queen and turns the tears on if you look at him cross eyed. I can tell the difference now but it took awhile.
ReplyDeleteIt is so hard to know what is real and what is superficial. It is funny you wrote about this because I was thinking about this in the van this morning. I am still struggling with this 18.5 months later. Not so much the crying because just like with an infant, a mother recognizes their babies cries for what they mean, that will come pretty quickly.
ReplyDeleteThe hardest thing for me now is the lying and manipulation. There are times I think I give Beth more credit than is due but then again she is so skilled in manipulation it is hard for me to know if she is conscious of what she is doing or if she really has no clue. Makes it hard to know how and when to discipline.
I just have to take it day by day and one situation at a time. Do I mess up and guess wrong and discipline then question myself. Absolutely..daily.
You are doing great. You are still getting to know them and their little ways. What makes that so hard is that they are ever changing so it's hard to know them for who they are. What happened to them made them what they are today but what you are doing for them is shaping them into what they are going to be in the future. With so much change it's hard to keep up.
I am struggling this morning myself. I have gotten (sadly) to a point that I am questioning everything Beth is doing and saying. I honestly question if she understands what I am saying to her and what she is saying to me.
It is putting a strain on our relationship and bonding. I don't want this for her. It's not fair. All I can do is pray. For wisdom. patience. kindness. understanding. forgiveness. I will be praying for you at the same time.
Have a great day.
Our twins are younger. I can't take anything at face value at all, yet. They don't know the right answer most of the time.... but they are manipulators, too. It's very childish and I can see through it - definitely, so far. I have to watch that I don't distance myself when they are manipulating. It's my gut instinct but I know it isn't right and I am certainly on a spiritual, character journey and this has brought me to my knees like nothing else has.
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